to call

 this a conversation i had..

 if a woman leaves  for  travel  for a weekend and does not call.. is that right.

 these are the issues we must consider..

Subhanaka lahuma rabbil ala'miin - Be Thou Glorified Our Lord - Lord of the Universe

there are some times that some songs resonate in your heart..  in whatever language whether you understand or not.. the intent is always carried on.
 this is one of the songs that i fell in love with...

Asmaa ALLAH (أسماء الله) Allah names

Lyrics and translation:

يا ذا الأسماء الحسنى يا خالقنا غفرانك نسألك وأنت الأسـمى نأمل عفوك سبحانك
O the one who belong to him the most beautiful names,
our creator we ask you the forgiveness

يا خالقنا يــــــا رب لعبـــيدك أنِر الدرب
O God...our creator for your slaves light up the road(x2)

واملأ عالمنا الحب يا ذا الأسماء الحسنى
and fill up our world with love, you the one who belong to him the most Beautiful Names(x2)

يا خالقنا سبحانك

الله التوّاب , الإله الوهاب , الرب القريب الطيب المجيب , الرقيب الحسيب
Allah, The Ever Returning, The Bestower,The One Who Is Nea,The Lord, The Closest, The Pure One, The Responsive, The Watchful, The Bringer of Judgment

يــــا رب
O lord

المقيت الوارث السبوح الودود , الفتاح الصمد الواحد الأحد
The Nourisher,The Inheritor of All,The One Praised,The Kind One, The Opener(The Victory Giver), The Eternally Besought of All(The Everlasting), The One(The Indivisible), the unequaledالجواد الهادي السيد الشهيد المجيد الحميد
The Magnanimous,The Guide, The master, The Witness, The All Glorious, The All Praiseworthy
يـــا رب
O lord

القهار النصير الغفار الكبير الجبار القدير , الظاهر الباطن القاهر
The All Compelling Subduer,The Helper, The Ever Forgiving, The Great, The Compeller,The All Powerful, The Manifest(The All Victorious),The Hidden One, The All-Conquering(The Dominator)

الغفور القادر الستير, الشاكر الشكور
The All Forgiving, The All Able,===,The Rewarder of Good, The Grateful

الآخر المؤخر الوتر المصور البر المتكبر المقتدر الخبير البصير
The Last(Omega),The Deferrer(The Keeper Behind) ,the independent, The Fashioner of Forms, The Most Kind and Righteous, The Tremendous, The All Determiner(the Dominant), The All Aware, The All Seeing

نور السماوات والأرض بديع السماوات والأرض
The Light of earth and heaven, The Originator of earth and heaven
(x2)

يـــا رب
O lord

العزيز القدوس , المعطي المحيط , الحفيظ العليم , القابض الباسط
The Almighty(the Self Sufficient), The Most Holy, the giver,All- Pervading, The Preserver,The All Knowing, The Restrainer(the Straightener), The Expander(The Munificent)

جامع الناس الحافظ العظيم
The Gatherer(The Unifier),The Guardian, The Magnificent

يــــا رب
O lord

الواسع السميع اللطيف الرءوف الخالق الرازق الرفيق الكريم الكافي
The Vast(the All Encompassing), The All Hearing, The Subtly Kind,The Compassionate(the All Pitying), The Creator, The Providing,The Most Kind, the Generous,The Sufficient One


الشافي الرازق الخلاق الحق الحليم
The Healer,The Ever Providing,The One who continously creates, The Truth, The Indulgent

مالك الملك الملك المليك الولى الوكيل , الأول الجميل
The Owner of All Sovereignty, The King(The Sovereign), The Protector , The Trustee(the Dependable), the first, the virtuous(x2)

متعالٍ رحيم العالم الحكم المقدم الأكرم
The Self Exalted,The Most Merciful,The Knower of All,The Judge(the Arbitrator), The Expediter(He who brings forward),The Most Generous

يــــا رب
O lord

ذو الجلال والإكرام
The Lord of Majesty and Generosity

السلام القيوم الحكيم
The Peace and Blessing, The Self Subsisting Sustainer of All, The Wise(x2)

المؤمن القوي المتين المهيمن العلي المولى الرحمن المحسن المنان المبين
The Guarantor,The All-Strong, the Steadfast,The Guardian,The Highest, The Patron,The All-Merciful,The Doer of Good,The Giver of Good,The Clarifier

الولي الحي العفو الأعلى الحفي الباريء الغني
The Protecting Friend, The Ever Living, The Pardoner(the Effacer of Sins),the Most High ,The Recognizer, The Maker,The self-sufficient

يا خالقنا يــــــا رب لعبـــيدك أنِر الدرب
O God...our creator for your slaves light up the road
(x2)واملأ عالمنا الحب يا ذا الأسماء الحسنى
and fill up our world with love, you the one who belong to him the most Beautiful Names

يا خالقــــــــــنا سبحانك يا خالقــــــــــنا سبحانكيا خالقــــــــــنا سبحانك

i got the translation from: http://arabicnasheedlyrics.blogspot.co.uk/search/label/Mishary%20Al-Afasy

i dont know if everything is word perfect translation - but i think "ya khaliqana subhaanaka" means  our creator be Glorified.. this is the part that resonates with me... for one there is a phrase somewhere in the Quran that i read where the angels greet our Lord.. by saying - subhanaka llahuma - Be thou (you) glorified our Lord...
 this for  me is a good way to accord God, our creator...

I want to worship you Lord in all that i do...

I want to bless You Lord in all that I do
Let my life bring glory to You
Fill my heart so Your love can flow
Use me Lord,  wherever I go


I want to bless You Lord in all that I do
Let my hands bring glory to You
Reaching out to the one in need
Touch me Lord,  so You can use me


I want to bless You Lord in all that I do
Let my words bring glory to You
Guard my thought so that they might be
Filled with love and praises to Thee....

this is a song i remember from my childhood - @salamatu's house... and i fell in love with this song..

 today the words resonate with me but i prefer to say - i want to worship you lord.. because i question the statement - i want to bless you lord.

 i understand praise God, but i don't understand the phrase = "bless God" - 

 because God is in no need of anyone - whether we do what he asks or not - He is in no need.. He is the one to bless us with his mercy, guidance, provisions and not the other way round - this is my view and thoughts on the matter..

Ashira Adonai

This song is from The Prince of Egypt (part of "when you believe") - i fell in love with this part even before finding out  what it means....

any song to praise god, gw resonates in my heart and soul..
may God be praised and glorified always....

Adonai means "Lord" - God, Most Gracious, Creator...


Ashira l'adonai ki ga'oh ga'ah
Ashira l'adonai ki ga'oh ga'ah
Michamocha, ba-elim adonai
Michamocha nedar-bakodesh
Nachitah v'chasd'cha, am zu ga'alta
Nachitah v'chasd'cha, am zu gaalta
Ashira, Ashira, Ashira...


Translation:
I will sing unto Adonai for He has triumphed gloriously.
I will sing unto Adonai for He has triumphed gloriously.
Who is like You, O Adondai, among the gods?
Who is like You, glorious in holiness?
In Your mercy, you lead the people You redeemed.
In Your mercy, you lead the people You redeemed.
I will sing, I will sing, I will sing...

Help

My Lord, if i am falling catch me
If i am about to go wrong, set me on the right path
If i am digging a hole, then break my shovel
My Lord if i am going wrong set me right..
Help me always in each and every situation to do the right thing by you..
I need advise and counsel from thee alone Lord..

Musings of a lonely heart

Dear Lord,
 i started with asking for forgiveness for my sins of which there are many.
I need your counsel and direction.
i ask of thee so that i don't let stubbornness hinder my progress
I ask of thee so that i do not let nearsightedness draw me back.
I am seeking from thee humility and understanding but at the same time i need to be able to voice my fears and say what is on my mind..

 i have lived there with you before  first for 2 months then for 6 months..
the time was there for you to capitalise to show direction  for us and to draw us together for us to bond and lead instead you focused on work.. as this was  i felt the most important thing for you.. the human connection was not a priority for you..

i remember when i was always singing quality time quality time.. for you for me for us...
 i dont want to be a broken record thinking all the time " i remember this and that"
 i only know that my time there by and large was not enjoyable.. even the shorter visits initially also but i always overlooked and made excuses that things will get better
 yes in life there is difficulty and adjustment... this much i agree.. i also agree that i don't like difficulty.. but i would have done anything for you, went to the ends of the earth for you..
i was eager to be with you and when i was there, you ignored me..
i was eager to love you but when i was there you brought your work home, cutting into the little time that we had anyways.. i felt you were more comfortable with work than you were with being alone with me..
maybe what i has envisaged was not what you had in mind.. maybe we should have been clearer
i envisaged being in love doing things that lovers do... and you in my view envisaged doing things that you want to do  but that did not include what couples do
i am afraid to live with you.. and this is a recurrent thought that goes through my mind..
I am afraid that through no fault of yours other than condition, i will be left with no support and left by myself whilst you focus on your work and let it consume you... the issue of work/home balance always  at odds and i am left in the lurch.
  we have no common friends, we seldom go out.

I am trying to deal with this matter without letting emotion cloud my better judgement .. i am wanting to try to be fair but i have trusted you before and you broke my trust and it is hard for me to trust you again
you say you will take care of me and by all means you do, you feed me and get me provisions but all i required from you was for you to love me, show that you love me and care for me.. connect with me.. laugh with me, play with me, talk to me..patience, understanding and tolerance... all interactions on a "couple level" that is vital for their development.
 i required you to be the leader for us.. to deal with things in matters of best and logical.
 i didn't require you to bully me or oppress me or stifle me or disregard me because you didn't understand or didn't want to create time to understand..

Supplication

La Ilaha illa anta, Subhanaka inni kuntu minna zalimiina.. faghfirli anta aRrahman aRrahim.

Ta', Ra, Fa

Noun

(14:43:7) ṭarfuhum	their gaze	مُهْطِعِينَ مُقْنِعِي رُءُوسِهِمْ لَا يَرْتَدُّ إِلَيْهِمْ طَرْفُهُمْ
(27:40:14) ṭarfuka	your glance	أَنَا آتِيكَ بِهِ قَبْلَ أَنْ يَرْتَدَّ إِلَيْكَ طَرْفُكَ
(37:48:3) l-ṭarfi	(will be) companions of modest gaze	وَعِنْدَهُمْ قَاصِرَاتُ الطَّرْفِ عِينٌ
(38:52:3) l-ṭarfi	(will be) companions of modest gaze	وَعِنْدَهُمْ قَاصِرَاتُ الطَّرْفِ أَتْرَابٌ
(42:45:9) ṭarfin	a glance	يَنْظُرُونَ مِنْ طَرْفٍ خَفِيٍّ
(55:56:3) l-ṭarfi	(will be) companions of modest gaze	فِيهِنَّ قَاصِرَاتُ الطَّرْفِ لَمْ يَطْمِثْهُنَّ إِنْسٌ قَبْلَهُمْ وَلَا جَانٌّ

Noun

(3:127:2) ṭarafan	a part	لِيَقْطَعَ طَرَفًا مِنَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا أَوْ يَكْبِتَهُمْ فَيَنْقَلِبُوا خَائِبِينَ
(11:114:3) ṭarafayi	(at the) two ends	وَأَقِمِ الصَّلَاةَ طَرَفَيِ النَّهَارِ وَزُلَفًا مِنَ اللَّيْلِ
(13:41:8) aṭrāfihā	its borders	أَوَلَمْ يَرَوْا أَنَّا نَأْتِي الْأَرْضَ نَنْقُصُهَا مِنْ أَطْرَافِهَا
(20:130:17) wa-aṭrāfa	(at the) ends	وَمِنْ آنَاءِ اللَّيْلِ فَسَبِّحْ وَأَطْرَافَ النَّهَارِ لَعَلَّكَ تَرْضَىٰ
(21:44:16) aṭrāfihā	its borders	أَفَلَا يَرَوْنَ أَنَّا نَأْتِي الْأَرْضَ نَنْقُصُهَا مِنْ أَطْرَافِهَا

This one is a bit trick as there seems not to be a clear correlation as before??
 but i am inclined to - based on logic at present to go for a general meaning if a  part, border

http://corpus.quran.com/qurandictionary.jsp?q=Trf

The word(s) "tarafa" appears 3 time(s) in 3 verse(s) in Quran. http://www.searchtruth.com/search.php?keyword=tarafa&chapter=&translator=6&search=1&start=0&re cords_display=10&search_word=all

(1) Falamma fasala talootu bialjunoodi qala inna Allaha mubtaleekum binaharin faman shariba minhu falaysa minnee waman lam yatAAamhu fainnahu minnee illa mani ightarafa ghurfatan biyadihi fashariboo minhu illa qaleelan minhum falamma jawazahu huwa waallatheena amanoo maAAahu qaloo la taqata lana alyawma bijaloota wajunoodihi qala allatheena yathunnoona annahum mulaqoo Allahi kam min fiatin qaleelatin ghalabat fiatan katheeratan biithni Allahi waAllahu maAAa alssabireena ( سورة البقرة , Al-Baqara, Chapter #2, Verse #249)

(2) LiyaqtaAAa tarafan mina allatheena kafaroo aw yakbitahum fayanqaliboo khaibeena ( سورة آل عمران , Aal-e-Imran, Chapter #3, Verse #127)

(3) Waaqimi alssalata tarafayi alnnahari wazulafan mina allayli inna alhasanati yuthhibna alssayyiati thalika thikra lilththakireena ( سورة هود , Hud, Chapter #11, Verse #114)  also  on a different note please examine these two verses  in relation to TRF.. 11:114 Khalifa You shall observe the Contact Prayers (Salat) at both ends of the day, and during the night. The righteous works wipe out the evil works. This is a reminder for those who would take heed. Waaqimi alssalata tarafayi alnnahari wazulafan mina allayli inna alhasanati yuthhibna  alssayyiati thalika thikra lilththakireena   20:130 Khalifa Therefore, be patient in the face of their utterances, and praise and glorify your Lord before sunrise and before sunset. And during the night glorify Him, as well as at both ends of the day, that you may be happy. Faisbir AAala ma yaqooloona wasabbih bihamdi rabbika qabla tulooAAi alshshamsi  waqabla ghuroobiha wamin anai allayli fasabbih waatrafa alnnahari laAAallaka tarda  the Arabic is not the same.. whilst the top one is tarafayii, the second is atrafa.. ????

Zain, Lam, Faa,

Verb (form IV) - to bring near

(26:64:1) wa-azlafnā	And We brought near	وَأَزْلَفْنَا ثَمَّ الْآخَرِينَ
(26:90:1) wa-uz'lifati	And (will be) brought near	وَأُزْلِفَتِ الْجَنَّةُ لِلْمُتَّقِينَ
(50:31:1) wa-uz'lifati	And will be brought near	وَأُزْلِفَتِ الْجَنَّةُ لِلْمُتَّقِينَ غَيْرَ بَعِيدٍ
(81:13:3) uz'lifat	is brought near	وَإِذَا الْجَنَّةُ أُزْلِفَتْ

Noun

(34:37:8) zul'fā	(in) position	وَمَا أَمْوَالُكُمْ وَلَا أَوْلَادُكُمْ بِالَّتِي تُقَرِّبُكُمْ عِنْدَنَا زُلْفَىٰ
(38:25:7) lazul'fā	surely is a near access	فَغَفَرْنَا لَهُ ذَٰلِكَ وَإِنَّ لَهُ عِنْدَنَا لَزُلْفَىٰ وَحُسْنَ مَآبٍ
(38:40:4) lazul'fā	surely is a near access	وَإِنَّ لَهُ عِنْدَنَا لَزُلْفَىٰ وَحُسْنَ مَآبٍ
(39:3:16) zul'fā	(in) nearness	مَا نَعْبُدُهُمْ إِلَّا لِيُقَرِّبُونَا إِلَى اللَّهِ زُلْفَىٰ

Noun

(11:114:5) wazulafan	and (at) the approach	وَأَقِمِ الصَّلَاةَ طَرَفَيِ النَّهَارِ وَزُلَفًا مِنَ اللَّيْلِ
(67:27:3) zul'fatan	approaching	فَلَمَّا رَأَوْهُ زُلْفَةً سِيئَتْ وُجُوهُ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا

taken from site: http://corpus.quran.com/qurandictionary.jsp?q=zlf

 my general view : zulfan - near, close to,

The word(s) "zulfa" appears 5 time(s) in 5 verse(s) in Quran. http://www.searchtruth.com/search.php?keyword=zulfa&chapter=&translator=6&search=1&start=0&records_display=10&search_word=all

(1) Wama amwalukum wala awladukum biallatee tuqarribukum AAindana zulfa illa man amana waAAamila salihan faolaika lahum jazao alddiAAfi bima AAamiloo wahum fee alghurufati aminoona ( سورة سبأ , Saba, Chapter #34, Verse #37)

(2) Faghafarna lahu thalika wainna lahu AAindana lazulfa wahusna maabin ( سورة ص , Sad, Chapter #38, Verse #25)

(3) Wainna lahu AAindana lazulfa wahusna maabin ( سورة ص , Sad, Chapter #38, Verse #40)

(4) Ala lillahi alddeenu alkhalisu waallatheena ittakhathoo min doonihi awliyaa ma naAAbuduhum illa liyuqarriboona ila Allahi zulfa inna Allaha yahkumu baynahum fee ma hum feehi yakhtalifoona inna Allaha la yahdee man huwa kathibun kaffarun ( سورة الزمر , Az-Zumar, Chapter #39, Verse #3)

(5) Falamma raawhu zulfatan seeat wujoohu allatheena kafaroo waqeela hatha allathee kuntum bihi taddaAAoona ( سورة الملك , Al-Mulk, Chapter #67, Verse #27) The word(s) "zulafa" appears 1 time(s) in 1 verse(s) in Quran. (1) Waaqimi alssalata tarafayi alnnahari wazulafan mina allayli inna alhasanati yuthhibna alssayyiati thalika thikra lilththakireena ( سورة هود , Hud, Chapter #11, Verse #114)

Ramadan and fasting 2

As it turns out the timing given by the mosque  here are out of sync.. as i checked online and had different times re fajr times and sunset..
 i used as comparison  http://www.gaisma.com/en/dir/gb-country.html for sunset and dawn times and this is far off from the ones in the central mosque??
i also checked myself this  morning and as far as my knowledge is, it is in sync with the web searches that i used..
 so a bit of my worry is taken off my shoulder as its means fasting begins around 4am for where i am and ends around 9:45pm..
 so today i tried woke up  to eat a meal of porridge and milk and loads loads water..
  right now i have a big big headache and i have 4 hours to go.. i don't know if i can last that long though..
  my milk supply feels funny now, i was able to pump 120mls this morning before going out and in the afternoon baby ate direct from source.. this evening at around 5pm i could only manage about 60 mls when pumping.. i don't know why? given that i have hardly expressed 60mils unless when  i first tried the pumping??
 but  i will monitor it and see how it goes..

 also i was able to read some info on http://www.babycenter.com.ph/baby/breastfeeding/breastfeed-during-ramadan-fast/

on another note... My Lord i need help from thee.. for i am having those feelings again..i don't know what to do i don't know  how to deal with it..
When he cries  and anguishes, i feel like killing myself.. I don't know what to do to help him stop crying.
I know all he can do - communication wise is to cry, he wants to eat he will cry, he wants to sleep he will cry, he wants to fart he will cry.. but some cries are ok for me to deal with but at times when i go into this low mood and he cries, i feel  like death is approaching and dying myself.

 i remember Mr Lord.. Abide with me, fast falls the eventide, the darkness deepens, Lord with me abide.. O help of the helpless, Abide with me

Ramadan and breastfeeding

My Lord i am at a crossroads right now.
I need your help  and advice.
How do i reconcile an issue of breastfeeding and Ramadan.
I know that i would prefer to fast, not in the least because the hardship will remind my soul of staying true to God, but also because the easy option for me will make me feel like i am skiving off.

 i remember last year when i was pregnant and i did not do Ramadan.. i intend to fast the days back.. as yet i have not had the chance to do it.. laziness i reckon and being nonchalant about it.. the option was there to ransom myself by feeding a poor person.. but i don't know any poor person.. who do i feed, the option was given to me to send money back home for feeding as they are generally considered to be poor there.. but i felt this was a cheats way of doing this as the money i would send will be far far less than if i found someone here.. I would rather find someone here that i can feed with the same food that i eat.. hopefully they will eat as i do.. but any hows, i can only feed then that which i can afford any case..
  Regardless of it, i am still yet to fast it all back.

this time around, its the issue of breastfeeding and fasting.
this years fasting is about 19-20 hours... i am considering how this will affect my milk supply as i am breastfeeding my baby constantly..
 i don't know how to do it my Lord.. I am already falling short of my obligations as i get more tired, baby needs my attention, and i am lacking in my duties to thee..

 i am afraid that 20 hours of not eating/not drinking for 29-30 days will impinge on my supply of milk and as i have been breastfeeding i don't want to loose the milk supply that i have.
 to be honest i don't know if it would only that i have been told and i have read milk supply is a use it or loose it sort of thing.

 then again i have to contend that we break fast at around 10pm and resume fast at around 2.15am.. this in effect given me about 4-5 hours to re-hydrate and eat... and i don't know if i can sustain this for the whole 30 days.

suggestions have been put to me to fast one day and not fast the next.. which seems a good plan as it will give my body time to rest and re-hydrate so in essence i will do 30 days of fasting over a period of 2 months.. which as i  note this down seems to be a good idea.

the other option  i was given my friends would be to fast but allow myself to drink water to re-hydrate myself.. to help my breast supply.... this i consider is beating about the bush.. you either fast or you don't fast.. there is no(for me) applying certain rules to suit ones situation especially when those rules don't exist.. its either fast or don't fast.. not saying i will fast and still drink but not eat, but then again..the Most Gracious alone knows our intentions and the hardships we face and it is to him we all must answer to for our actions.

The other  option given to me was to fast but to break my fast earlier i.e start fasting around 5am and break around 7pm.. to be honest if these were the  time constraints of fasting for this year i would gladly be able to do the Ramadan and will not have any issues as the time for not eating is not that bad... and i would have ample time to eat and re-hydrate to help and replenish me for the next day.. but my issues with this is as per the above option...  i don't subscribe at present to making up rules for ones self i.e cutting time to fast.. which is not something that is in the Quran..

A friend advised me that  the nutritional value of breast milk will not diminish cause of fasting... which is a good news  but i am not sure about  the availability of milk...

 i intend to express milk for baby to have whilst i am at work.. and i know that expressing milk at intervals throughout the day will help with supply.. i fear though that i will get more fore milk than hind milk...

 all thorough this thinking is the fact that i can feed my baby with formula milk.. but if i resort to formula milk  and i forgo the breast milk  the supply process will dry up and that is it..

I prefer to breastfeed my baby for as long as i can  - in my mind this is about 1 year but nevertheless.. man proposes and God disposes...
 so therein lies my delima..

SD says i should not fast and he cited the verse for me 2:184

Ayyaman maAAdoodatin faman kana minkum mareedan aw AAala safarin faAAiddatun min ayyamin okhara waAAala allatheena yuteeqoonahu fidyatun taAAamu miskeenin faman tatawwaAAa khayran fahuwa khayrun lahu waan tasoomoo khayrun lakum in kuntum taAAlamoona


RK edition: Specific days (are designated for fasting); if one is ill or traveling, an equal number of other days may be substituted. Those who can fast, but with great difficulty, may substitute feeding one poor person for each day of breaking the fast. If one volunteers (more righteous works), it is better. But fasting is the best for you, if you only knew.
YA edition: (Fasting) for a fixed number of days; but if any of you is ill, or on a journey, the prescribed number (Should be made up) from days later. For those who can do it (With hardship), is a ransom, the feeding of one that is indigent. But he that will give more, of his own free will,- it is better for him. And it is better for you that ye fast, if ye only knew.
PM edition: A limited number of days. Whoever of you is ill or traveling, then the same number from different days; and as for those who can do so but with difficulty, they may redeem by feeding the needy. And whoever does good voluntarily, then it is better for him. And if you fast it is better for you if you knew.
RK is Rashad Khalifa, YA is Yusuf Ali, PG is Progressive Muslim..

So my Lord i am in your hands entirely as ever and i feel it more than ever..
i need your guidance to choose the right thing, the right way to help me redeem my soul before thee..
if i can get assurance  and peace of mind from thee somehow that my milk supply will not diminish, that the quality will be great for my child then my lord, i will try to fast this Ramadan.. and i will suffer the hardships that the Ramadan will bring.. with this thought in my head i am reminded of somewhere i read of the issue of asking for miracles to be brought forth before doing anything.. but God this is not my intention in the slightest.. You are a Lord of Miracles.. this much i can testify to, for in my life alone is a miracle time and time again... and i do not mean any disrespect because You are a God that provides.. i mean to ask that i beseech Thee to provide for my child through the milk that You have produced in me.
Its like i tell my child,., that  in my view, breast milk is equivalent to "Manna and Quail" that You provided to the Israelite during their sojourn in the wilderness.. it is what You have considered as the best form of food and we should be grateful that we receive it..

but whilst i have these thoughts in my head.. i know that  you are the one who has given me the child, He belongs to you, He is dedicated to you.. should you want to take him.. you have every right to do so...
i said in the beginning that  i do not want any child or family member or husband or friend to take me away from thee o Lord that if they intend or want to do so.. please take that person away from or/me away from them...
Lord help me to make the right decision for me..
Help me to redeem myself, my soul and gain a place with thee in Paradise..
Help me O lord with my milk supply and best quality milk
Help my child tooo, to sleep by himself without fuss
Help me to always remember thee, never forget thee, always remember to pray, to praise, to glorify to exalt, to sing with joy and with remembrance to Thee o Lord...

My Lord, you are God, Creator of the world, You have decisive control over all things in my life and in this world.. For anything to be done you but only have to will it and it is.. this is the Kun fa ya kun that i read in the Quran.., So my lord I beseech thee to please Kun fa ya kun for these issues and more in my life and redeem me, accept me in they service to worship and praise thee.

a thought

 a thought crossed my mind - conspiracy theorist that i sometimes confess to be .. lol.. why not get all the missing Arabic words from the rk  translation of the quran and see if there is a message by reading them out, first in order of revelation and second in order of compilation...

 i.e 2:286..  wa afuwana, waghfirlana warhamna.. he translated as pardon and forgive us.. thereby omitting have mercy on us (warhamna)

 or another example in

37:93
Faragha AAalayhim darban bi alyameeni


rough transtation:Them he turned upon them, striking with the right..
RK: He then destroyed them
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
http://corpus.quran.com/qurandictionary.jsp?q=ymn


in my view, RK translated omitting the use of alyameeni which indicates right ??? why do i say this.. well i searched the  rk translation for another comparison  in arabic and english usage..and deduced that in

16:48
Awa lam yaraw ila ma khalaqa Allahu min shayin yatafayyao thilaluhu AAani alyameeni waalshshamaili sujjadan lillahi wahum dakhiroona


he translates this as: Have they not seen all the things created by GOD? Their shadows surround them right and left, in total submission to GOD, and willingly.

Or

18:17
Watara alshshamsa itha talaAAat tazawaru AAan kahfihim thata alyameeni waitha gharabat taqriduhum thata alshshimali wahum fee fajwatin minhu thalika min ayati Allahi man yahdi Allahu fahuwa almuhtadi waman yudlil falan tajida lahu waliyyan murshidan


 his translation is : You could see the sun when it rose coming from the right side of their cave, and when it set, it shone on them from the left, as they slept in the hollow thereof. This is one of GOD's portents. Whomever GOD guides is the truly guided one, and whomever He sends astray, you will not find for him a guiding teacher.


Or


37:28
Qaloo innakum kuntum tatoonana AAani alyameeni
RK translation: They will say (to their leaders), "You used to come to us from the right side


 that will be interesting to see what develops there.. he  he he he - ( sheepish laughter)

tired

Most High, I am tired....
I am fraught with worry and I am tired..
I am tired as i have no strenght left.
some days are good days and some days are not..
Tonight is not a good night..

delusion

Not all marriages succeed.
of this i believe.
for whatever reason or another, communication breaks down, agenda are lost , compromise is not working.

but it doesn't stop one from believing that when one gets married, it is for life.
there is reality and there is delusion,

some people may choose delusion ( i share this delusion sometimes), that marriage is for life but not always - because as people grow, people change, they have different focus, new direction and sometimes that direction cannot be reconciled with the life they may be living - someone had to re-adjust, put up with, sacrifice ,suffer the period of change.

my delusion ranges from that i think my man is organised, focused, and fair
but my reality is that he is not. he can only focus on one thing. and that to his detriment i think limits him in what responses he can offer in emergency situations - as his whole being is occupied by that one thought - focused - no other consideration given to anyone or anything else - till he resolved whatever issues he sets up for himself. This also is a great source of strength for him as he can attack ferociously any project and wont give up till he resolves it

as with any human being - i dont find him fair (this is a matter of subjection) - but then tell me who is fair - everyone i believe is naturally selfish and always guarding their own interest ( i included) - so i cannot fault him for this - but i can consider that as far as his criticism of me goes - it is always my fault - but my defence is that when you point one finger at someone - the other fingers are pointing back at you ( note to self)

but i think i try to be fair as i look at both angles - i try never to make a firm decision - because there are factors that i have to concede, may be there that i have not considered - but nevertheless - everything is an opinion/observation from my point ( how conceited i sound i am with this statement)

my delusion was that my man is a stubborn person - my reality is that he is.. but  stubbornness is a matter of degree.. i too am stubborn, headstrong so i understand the plight...

my delusion is that he is giving regardless of circumstances - but my reality is that he is selfish - my observation is that he considers circumstances before giving - but who can blame him - its his money he can do whatever he likes with it.
my delusion is that he is considerate - and my reality is that yes he is sometimes - but also considerate with conceit/arrogance

my delusion is that he would always stand up for what is right - but my reality is that he does not always - he would conform, will refrain from asking the difficult questions - though staring him in the face - but i will concede that truth is subjective - so my version of truth cannot be his version of truth - God guide us all to the truth.. Look at me coward that i am,, talking about standing up for a right???? Lord knows i always run away from a fight and don't have stamina for such..


my delusion is that he is thoughtful - but my reality is that a times he is not - but that is a trait of everyone...  sometimes it is what i consider to be important that he is never thoughtful about. but life is never meant to be equal for each person, we have different ways and different priorities.

so there lies the delusions and reality.

i still think he is lovely, caring and i love him dearly and deeply- but his lackability to focus but for only one thing at a time - puts me in the side lines because i feel i am forever in the side lines playing second fiddle.

no one wants to play second fiddle.

some may put up with it - but i reckon no one really likes it. but then who is anyone without fault?

look at me - i am a workaholic to a fault - i am bad with money management - i am selfish too, i am inconsiderate and not thoughtful..

mrs doom and gloom reporting live and direct-

People make mistakes, regret and change - but how much of a change is it when you make the same mistake and you dont want to learn.
forgiveness is easy, sometimes it is hard to forget - because the past in someways repeats itself - how many forgetting can one forget??,
but who knows who is ever right or wrong - there is my truth, there is your truth and there is THE TRUTH. God guide and help us all to his grace.

am i deluding myself that he loves me.
sometimes i get flashes from him on thoughfulness and care
and a times i get a treatment that i dont understand how, where or who it has come from
sometimes i dont understand him and sometimes i think i do.

who can i complain to?
who can i refer my case to except you Lord....

am i deluding myself that it is me he wants
am i deluding myself that he married me because he loved me..
a part of me thinks he married me cos i was" the only black female submitter he knew"
a part of me thinks he married me so that he would stop being single
a part of me thinks did not marry me by choice but settled for me as he could not find anything

who can i complain to
who can i refer my case to except you Lord

My mum used to say, men are callous
you help a man, he treats you like shit
you show your vulnerability to a man and he tramples on it
you care deeply for a man and he betrays you

but i choose to believe that not all men are like that
i want to believe that my man is not like that
i want to believe in that man from God that i asked for
caring, honest, patient, understanding and tolerant
maybe i am deluding myself again...
am i deluding myself again?

who can i complain to?
who can i refer my case to?

you berrated me, and act like its nothing....i keep quiet
you selfishly pursue your interestes above mine and i act like its nothing...i am expected to accept it

i sacrifice my time and affection for you
i try to be open and honest with you
i give myself willingly to you... but i dont think you do the same with me

in some ways, i think you think i am some helpless person that you can bully and order about - wanting your whims and your wishes fulfilled. i am not important to you, you dont really care about me do you.......

who can i complain to Lord?
who can i refer my case to?

there is always two sides to every story i guess.. nothing in life is ever straightforward
 the way i see it may not be the  way it is..

Mr dearest one

My dearest one,
i am grateful to God for you..
I wanted you
I needed you
God gave you to me..
with the loneliness and your crying.... my crying and my despair
I am wondering if i am the best for you..
The change in my life is so startling..
I dont know what to do
I feel desolate and i feel alone
 i want to understand you but i dont know if  i am able to
 i have never been in this situation before
I want to be able to know you, but i dont know if i can
 i have never been in this situation before
I want to be able to be there for you but i dont know if i will stay
but i do love and care for you..
you are from the Most Gracious, I asked for you, i begged for you
In the face of my detractors, My God came through for me
i worry when you cry..  i dont have anyone to talk to
 i worry when you hurt, i don't know who i can tell it to
i worry when you don't eat, i dont know who i can run to
i worry i will harm myself and i wont be there for you
 i just want to protect you, to give you the best in life
may my weakness be  your strengths
 may my strengths be second nature to you
May the Most Gracious guide you in righteousness and truth
May you worship God alone..