delusion

Not all marriages succeed.
of this i believe.
for whatever reason or another, communication breaks down, agenda are lost , compromise is not working.

but it doesn't stop one from believing that when one gets married, it is for life.
there is reality and there is delusion,

some people may choose delusion ( i share this delusion sometimes), that marriage is for life but not always - because as people grow, people change, they have different focus, new direction and sometimes that direction cannot be reconciled with the life they may be living - someone had to re-adjust, put up with, sacrifice ,suffer the period of change.

my delusion ranges from that i think my man is organised, focused, and fair
but my reality is that he is not. he can only focus on one thing. and that to his detriment i think limits him in what responses he can offer in emergency situations - as his whole being is occupied by that one thought - focused - no other consideration given to anyone or anything else - till he resolved whatever issues he sets up for himself. This also is a great source of strength for him as he can attack ferociously any project and wont give up till he resolves it

as with any human being - i dont find him fair (this is a matter of subjection) - but then tell me who is fair - everyone i believe is naturally selfish and always guarding their own interest ( i included) - so i cannot fault him for this - but i can consider that as far as his criticism of me goes - it is always my fault - but my defence is that when you point one finger at someone - the other fingers are pointing back at you ( note to self)

but i think i try to be fair as i look at both angles - i try never to make a firm decision - because there are factors that i have to concede, may be there that i have not considered - but nevertheless - everything is an opinion/observation from my point ( how conceited i sound i am with this statement)

my delusion was that my man is a stubborn person - my reality is that he is.. but  stubbornness is a matter of degree.. i too am stubborn, headstrong so i understand the plight...

my delusion is that he is giving regardless of circumstances - but my reality is that he is selfish - my observation is that he considers circumstances before giving - but who can blame him - its his money he can do whatever he likes with it.
my delusion is that he is considerate - and my reality is that yes he is sometimes - but also considerate with conceit/arrogance

my delusion is that he would always stand up for what is right - but my reality is that he does not always - he would conform, will refrain from asking the difficult questions - though staring him in the face - but i will concede that truth is subjective - so my version of truth cannot be his version of truth - God guide us all to the truth.. Look at me coward that i am,, talking about standing up for a right???? Lord knows i always run away from a fight and don't have stamina for such..


my delusion is that he is thoughtful - but my reality is that a times he is not - but that is a trait of everyone...  sometimes it is what i consider to be important that he is never thoughtful about. but life is never meant to be equal for each person, we have different ways and different priorities.

so there lies the delusions and reality.

i still think he is lovely, caring and i love him dearly and deeply- but his lackability to focus but for only one thing at a time - puts me in the side lines because i feel i am forever in the side lines playing second fiddle.

no one wants to play second fiddle.

some may put up with it - but i reckon no one really likes it. but then who is anyone without fault?

look at me - i am a workaholic to a fault - i am bad with money management - i am selfish too, i am inconsiderate and not thoughtful..

mrs doom and gloom reporting live and direct-

People make mistakes, regret and change - but how much of a change is it when you make the same mistake and you dont want to learn.
forgiveness is easy, sometimes it is hard to forget - because the past in someways repeats itself - how many forgetting can one forget??,
but who knows who is ever right or wrong - there is my truth, there is your truth and there is THE TRUTH. God guide and help us all to his grace.

am i deluding myself that he loves me.
sometimes i get flashes from him on thoughfulness and care
and a times i get a treatment that i dont understand how, where or who it has come from
sometimes i dont understand him and sometimes i think i do.

who can i complain to?
who can i refer my case to except you Lord....

am i deluding myself that it is me he wants
am i deluding myself that he married me because he loved me..
a part of me thinks he married me cos i was" the only black female submitter he knew"
a part of me thinks he married me so that he would stop being single
a part of me thinks did not marry me by choice but settled for me as he could not find anything

who can i complain to
who can i refer my case to except you Lord

My mum used to say, men are callous
you help a man, he treats you like shit
you show your vulnerability to a man and he tramples on it
you care deeply for a man and he betrays you

but i choose to believe that not all men are like that
i want to believe that my man is not like that
i want to believe in that man from God that i asked for
caring, honest, patient, understanding and tolerant
maybe i am deluding myself again...
am i deluding myself again?

who can i complain to?
who can i refer my case to?

you berrated me, and act like its nothing....i keep quiet
you selfishly pursue your interestes above mine and i act like its nothing...i am expected to accept it

i sacrifice my time and affection for you
i try to be open and honest with you
i give myself willingly to you... but i dont think you do the same with me

in some ways, i think you think i am some helpless person that you can bully and order about - wanting your whims and your wishes fulfilled. i am not important to you, you dont really care about me do you.......

who can i complain to Lord?
who can i refer my case to?

there is always two sides to every story i guess.. nothing in life is ever straightforward
 the way i see it may not be the  way it is..