Musings of a lonely heart

Dear Lord,
 i started with asking for forgiveness for my sins of which there are many.
I need your counsel and direction.
i ask of thee so that i don't let stubbornness hinder my progress
I ask of thee so that i do not let nearsightedness draw me back.
I am seeking from thee humility and understanding but at the same time i need to be able to voice my fears and say what is on my mind..

 i have lived there with you before  first for 2 months then for 6 months..
the time was there for you to capitalise to show direction  for us and to draw us together for us to bond and lead instead you focused on work.. as this was  i felt the most important thing for you.. the human connection was not a priority for you..

i remember when i was always singing quality time quality time.. for you for me for us...
 i dont want to be a broken record thinking all the time " i remember this and that"
 i only know that my time there by and large was not enjoyable.. even the shorter visits initially also but i always overlooked and made excuses that things will get better
 yes in life there is difficulty and adjustment... this much i agree.. i also agree that i don't like difficulty.. but i would have done anything for you, went to the ends of the earth for you..
i was eager to be with you and when i was there, you ignored me..
i was eager to love you but when i was there you brought your work home, cutting into the little time that we had anyways.. i felt you were more comfortable with work than you were with being alone with me..
maybe what i has envisaged was not what you had in mind.. maybe we should have been clearer
i envisaged being in love doing things that lovers do... and you in my view envisaged doing things that you want to do  but that did not include what couples do
i am afraid to live with you.. and this is a recurrent thought that goes through my mind..
I am afraid that through no fault of yours other than condition, i will be left with no support and left by myself whilst you focus on your work and let it consume you... the issue of work/home balance always  at odds and i am left in the lurch.
  we have no common friends, we seldom go out.

I am trying to deal with this matter without letting emotion cloud my better judgement .. i am wanting to try to be fair but i have trusted you before and you broke my trust and it is hard for me to trust you again
you say you will take care of me and by all means you do, you feed me and get me provisions but all i required from you was for you to love me, show that you love me and care for me.. connect with me.. laugh with me, play with me, talk to me..patience, understanding and tolerance... all interactions on a "couple level" that is vital for their development.
 i required you to be the leader for us.. to deal with things in matters of best and logical.
 i didn't require you to bully me or oppress me or stifle me or disregard me because you didn't understand or didn't want to create time to understand..