delusion

Not all marriages succeed.
of this i believe.
for whatever reason or another, communication breaks down, agenda are lost , compromise is not working.

but it doesn't stop one from believing that when one gets married, it is for life.
there is reality and there is delusion,

some people may choose delusion ( i share this delusion sometimes), that marriage is for life but not always - because as people grow, people change, they have different focus, new direction and sometimes that direction cannot be reconciled with the life they may be living - someone had to re-adjust, put up with, sacrifice ,suffer the period of change.

my delusion ranges from that i think my man is organised, focused, and fair
but my reality is that he is not. he can only focus on one thing. and that to his detriment i think limits him in what responses he can offer in emergency situations - as his whole being is occupied by that one thought - focused - no other consideration given to anyone or anything else - till he resolved whatever issues he sets up for himself. This also is a great source of strength for him as he can attack ferociously any project and wont give up till he resolves it

as with any human being - i dont find him fair (this is a matter of subjection) - but then tell me who is fair - everyone i believe is naturally selfish and always guarding their own interest ( i included) - so i cannot fault him for this - but i can consider that as far as his criticism of me goes - it is always my fault - but my defence is that when you point one finger at someone - the other fingers are pointing back at you ( note to self)

but i think i try to be fair as i look at both angles - i try never to make a firm decision - because there are factors that i have to concede, may be there that i have not considered - but nevertheless - everything is an opinion/observation from my point ( how conceited i sound i am with this statement)

my delusion was that my man is a stubborn person - my reality is that he is.. but  stubbornness is a matter of degree.. i too am stubborn, headstrong so i understand the plight...

my delusion is that he is giving regardless of circumstances - but my reality is that he is selfish - my observation is that he considers circumstances before giving - but who can blame him - its his money he can do whatever he likes with it.
my delusion is that he is considerate - and my reality is that yes he is sometimes - but also considerate with conceit/arrogance

my delusion is that he would always stand up for what is right - but my reality is that he does not always - he would conform, will refrain from asking the difficult questions - though staring him in the face - but i will concede that truth is subjective - so my version of truth cannot be his version of truth - God guide us all to the truth.. Look at me coward that i am,, talking about standing up for a right???? Lord knows i always run away from a fight and don't have stamina for such..


my delusion is that he is thoughtful - but my reality is that a times he is not - but that is a trait of everyone...  sometimes it is what i consider to be important that he is never thoughtful about. but life is never meant to be equal for each person, we have different ways and different priorities.

so there lies the delusions and reality.

i still think he is lovely, caring and i love him dearly and deeply- but his lackability to focus but for only one thing at a time - puts me in the side lines because i feel i am forever in the side lines playing second fiddle.

no one wants to play second fiddle.

some may put up with it - but i reckon no one really likes it. but then who is anyone without fault?

look at me - i am a workaholic to a fault - i am bad with money management - i am selfish too, i am inconsiderate and not thoughtful..

mrs doom and gloom reporting live and direct-

People make mistakes, regret and change - but how much of a change is it when you make the same mistake and you dont want to learn.
forgiveness is easy, sometimes it is hard to forget - because the past in someways repeats itself - how many forgetting can one forget??,
but who knows who is ever right or wrong - there is my truth, there is your truth and there is THE TRUTH. God guide and help us all to his grace.

am i deluding myself that he loves me.
sometimes i get flashes from him on thoughfulness and care
and a times i get a treatment that i dont understand how, where or who it has come from
sometimes i dont understand him and sometimes i think i do.

who can i complain to?
who can i refer my case to except you Lord....

am i deluding myself that it is me he wants
am i deluding myself that he married me because he loved me..
a part of me thinks he married me cos i was" the only black female submitter he knew"
a part of me thinks he married me so that he would stop being single
a part of me thinks did not marry me by choice but settled for me as he could not find anything

who can i complain to
who can i refer my case to except you Lord

My mum used to say, men are callous
you help a man, he treats you like shit
you show your vulnerability to a man and he tramples on it
you care deeply for a man and he betrays you

but i choose to believe that not all men are like that
i want to believe that my man is not like that
i want to believe in that man from God that i asked for
caring, honest, patient, understanding and tolerant
maybe i am deluding myself again...
am i deluding myself again?

who can i complain to?
who can i refer my case to?

you berrated me, and act like its nothing....i keep quiet
you selfishly pursue your interestes above mine and i act like its nothing...i am expected to accept it

i sacrifice my time and affection for you
i try to be open and honest with you
i give myself willingly to you... but i dont think you do the same with me

in some ways, i think you think i am some helpless person that you can bully and order about - wanting your whims and your wishes fulfilled. i am not important to you, you dont really care about me do you.......

who can i complain to Lord?
who can i refer my case to?

there is always two sides to every story i guess.. nothing in life is ever straightforward
 the way i see it may not be the  way it is..

Mr dearest one

My dearest one,
i am grateful to God for you..
I wanted you
I needed you
God gave you to me..
with the loneliness and your crying.... my crying and my despair
I am wondering if i am the best for you..
The change in my life is so startling..
I dont know what to do
I feel desolate and i feel alone
 i want to understand you but i dont know if  i am able to
 i have never been in this situation before
I want to be able to know you, but i dont know if i can
 i have never been in this situation before
I want to be able to be there for you but i dont know if i will stay
but i do love and care for you..
you are from the Most Gracious, I asked for you, i begged for you
In the face of my detractors, My God came through for me
i worry when you cry..  i dont have anyone to talk to
 i worry when you hurt, i don't know who i can tell it to
i worry when you don't eat, i dont know who i can run to
i worry i will harm myself and i wont be there for you
 i just want to protect you, to give you the best in life
may my weakness be  your strengths
 may my strengths be second nature to you
May the Most Gracious guide you in righteousness and truth
May you worship God alone..

Debt in my head

Debt - this is my fault - due to my recklessness, ignorance, passiveness and impatience - i made wrong decisions, spent money that i didn't own and i have resolved that by God's grace that i will be rid of it. You don't want to accept that i do not want you to help me pay it off. You have offered help as an enticement to get me here to stay in december - ( but it turns out that the bank did not approve the loan)  - you asked me the minimum amount i needed and said that you will help me every month - the only amount you have given me is £500 towards the car to get rid of it.( i am very very and still am undoubtedly grateful for this amount) but further than that, each month you did not help me as you said you would. i didn't ask you either.

- it is my responsibility and my mistake therefore i should be given the chance to address it myself

- it is not pride or arrogance but plain simple i need to teach myself a lesson so that i do not ever make the same mistake again

-i did not keep the fact that i had financial responsibility away from you - i only did not tell you the details of them. but in my defense ( a poor one at that), everyone has financial responsibility - mortgage, car payments, card payments etc..

-i am afraid that if you pay this money for me, later on in future it will be an issue  that you will throw back in my face.

- if places were reversed, i am not sure to be honest i would do the same unless i had the money to spare, but i would help with it.

- please understand - how can i let you borrow money from the bank to pay the debt and then you pay it back with wages you earned . if i was another girl and you were my brother, i would say that the girl is a gold digger. how can i let you sell your house, to help me pay a debt that you had nothing to do with.

- I am working - and i asked to give me time to pay off my debts and save money - so i can come to you secure with my position. God willing with determination and Gods help i can do this - but you do not like that because you want me to be with you.  but you disregard me and alienate me when i am with you.. so i do not understand..

- marriage is a partnership - yes but in this instance this financial burden was when i was single - i was happy paying it off  little by little, never in any rush ( knew the issue of usury but never really understood its practical applications in my life and commitments) - i was just lazy - if i had focused on it then it would have been done. and we may not be having this conversation.

- about 12 hours of the day, i am left alone. I am like a prisoner here, in summer, i cant go out much due to the sun and pollen, i do not speak the language, but i can about manage to get by - when you come back from work, you do not have time for me. i sit in the house watching TV - albeit in foreign language - if i am lucky it will have english translations - and when you come home - we don't talk,  you want me to watch tv with you?? to you this is ok - because you have not had to watch tv all day..

 you are not the one at home with suicidal thoughts because there is nothing for me to do, i feel lost and trapped and alone..

 when i used to come here 2010 - it was the same - when you came back from work - you went on your computer - you did not understand the meaning of Quality time - for us to spend time together. i tried to introduce lazy days for us to bond together - but  you refused  to commit - i felt like you were running away from me - whenever someone called for your help - you jumped at it - you left me alone most times, to run errands for other people- and then i will ask myself - is it me? you never seemed to want to spend time with me to do the things i liked - movies, eating out,  window shopping( i understand you are a guy, but even an attempt to say for instance - i will drop you there and you will come back for me after i am done goofing around looking at things) - fooling around, but you did try - i remember when you took me out on the tour bus ride, when we went out to eat at tabla pizza, or when we went for movie at opera - you did try a a bit - it is like you tried once or twice and then forgot about it. its like you do it once and hope that i would shut up about it..

in august/september 2011 when i came my time was not wholly enjoyable  - there were issues btw me and you back and forth - i was lonely, being in the house by myself nothing to do, i was starving affection  i wanted to be cuddled and told sweet nothings to, there were some crazy allegations from you that i considered they were unfounded.I was pregnant and you were physical with me - that was a mistake probably - but all the same that was in you as you behaved in that manner..

there was the issue that you hold to your head - one incident that i went to the bank with you and i regarded myself -o i must look like shit today - this is one issue that you keep playing in your head over and over again - but you forget the other mornings that you leave the house do not have your bath or you leave wearing clothes that you have worn before - or you leave without combing your hair -

this is  in my view - double standards - and hypocrisy - one rule for you another for me??

i went back and we had a war of words in october and november regarding the issue of debt and where to give birth to the child. with you threatening to dissolve our relationship if i had the child in the uk, so i came here. this in my view is bullying because the health and welfare of myself and the child should have been the topmost priority - what i saw from you  was that  it was convenient for you in order to see the child was your priority not my health or welfare - you did not put me first or my considerations. there is nothing wrong with  your hospitals other than i did not speak the language and i wanted to give birth in a place where i would have been comfortable  in terms of care and communications.

in december i came here, it was a difficult month for me, i was lost i felt so alone, after the war of words - i didn't know how it would be with us - i was alone most of the time, no one to speak to, no one to ask after me - you tried to make me talk but i was suffering inside still unsure how you truly felt about me, not about the child about me as a woman, as a wife, as a partner to you, i was starving affection, - you fed me, and watered me the only thing you left off was emotional connection and intimacy.

you then disrespected me - this is the incidence of me coming out one sunday morning to find you in the living room. i wonder if the tables were turned how you will feel. that was rejection in my face.

communication is the key in any relationship - you did not communicate with me, you did not tell me how you felt - even if it was difficult to speak to me - we always had letters - this is how we communicated to ourselves initially - there you can say your piece w/o any interruptions and try to make the other person see where you were coming from.

i was in the house by myself lonely as heck, i had no motivation to do anything...

start over

http://uk.match.yahoo.net/edito/index.php?mtcmk=080405&name=5/119/2854-going-the-distance.html

“Play kiss chase, tickle one another, have pillow fights.”

How to do it
If you’re in love: “The couple that plays together stays together” – how many times have you heard that? But then how often do you remember to do it? Taking time as a couple to have fun is vital. It can feel like an effort of time when you have work, domesticity and maybe children to raise, but think long-term: laughter releases dopamine in your brain which is a vital chemical for sexual attraction. So let go! If you don’t know where to start, a new shared hobby is great. Learning new sports often combines exercise with fun.

“Remembering when you met and treating your partner like your best friend.”

How to do it
If you’re in love: John Gottman, the highly respected director of the Gottman Institute in America that studies the science of love, believes a couple’s joint “love map” helps help them together. By talking with your partner about your shared memories – like your first meeting, your early dates – you are strengthening your unique love map all the time. So do your own love PR – talk about your relationship in positive terms. Don’t stew over the small stuff! Look for good things and you’ll both find them.


“Be responsible for your own happiness and be considerate of your partner’s well-being, but not responsible for it.”

How to do it
If you’re in love: This is really saying, don’t be co-dependent. Co-dependency is a psychological problem where we smother our partner and make their problems our own. Try to trust that your partner is capable of fighting their own battles! It can be scary to let go, but if you focus on making your own life as good as it can be, you will be happier and less likely to interfere with your partner’s issues (unless they ask for your support). They will feel that you respect their ability to deal with situations, and will relax.


“Loyalty and communication, stay true as individuals and come together often, keep life simple. We have reached our Pearl Wedding Anniversary (30 years) and look forward every day to just waking up together.”

How to do it
If you’re in love: Communication is the secret to many long term relationships, but it’s not as easy as just talking, talking, talking! More important is that your partner feels “heard” by you. Try to listen non-judgementally. If possible, start a system where each of you can share with the other in a “no comment zone” where you will not be criticised or rejected. Even if just for 30 minutes a week, this will help each of you feel more accepted and safe with one another.


“Patience, trust, honesty, never parting on an argument, and keeping the fridge stocked up!”

How to do it
If you’re in love: Keeping the fridge stocked with your partner’s favourite thing is a simple tip but works so well to make a house feel like “home” for both of you. When shopping, if you see something you know your partner likes, buy it and sneak it into the cupboard. When they find it, it’ll be like you’ve just given them a hug.

+++++++++++++++++
this song by beyonce captures how i feel today - i have played this song but i have never heard the lyrics until today

I feel weak, we've been here before
Cuz I feel we keep going back and forth
Maybe it's over, maybe we're through
But I honestly can say
I still love you

Maybe we reached the mountain peak
And there's no more left to climb
And maybe we lost the magic peace
And we're both too blind to find

Let's start over
Let's give love their wings
Let's start over
Stop fighting about the same old thing
Let's start over
We can't let our good love die

Maybe we can start all over
Give love another life

I can see that we're not happy here
So why would we keep pretending that there's nothing there
Maybe you like it, well I don't
And maybe you'll settle, well I won't

I know that this will hurt you
I know you'll cry - men dont cry
I know I called you selfish but that's a lie because i am selfish too
I feel I know what's the best for us - i dont,

i will start with this song.
I cannot live without love -
to know and feel that you belong to someone
to know and feel that the person to whom you want to belong to, accepts and confirms that you belong to him.
to create and share memories
to enjoy life, explore and have fun together
to discuss, debate and ponder on life's mysteries together.

Maybe i was blinded - i assumed that with God as the forefront in your life all your actions will be governed by this
maybe i was foolish - i refused to see we were two different people - despite our shared longing to worship God alone
maybe i was hasty -  i was searching for something i wasn't meant to receive,very likely you are not the one from my heart -

i am not perfect - i never claim to be
if i annoyed you or did something ou dislike - you dont tell me
if i hurt you, and you dont tell me, i don't know how to apoligise and made ammends - i wont apologise for that - for you don't talk to me and you don't take my concerns seriously
i am very vocal, i tell you how i feel... its not so hard for you to do the same and then maybe it is -

it is not as i imagined it to be

today,.. i want to reflect.. the words for which have been accumulating over 6 months.. it has taken me some time to sort out clarity from "mind machines".. to try to think clearly, logically, not letting emotions cloud my judgement.
But i guess this is hard .. because emotions are so entwined with thoughts that sometimes it is easy to  follow its path but as with truth, one knows that emotions can cloud judgement and can taint innocence.. making false look like truth and feeding the ego.

Marriage they say is a partnership, with both parties working towards a mutual goal/understanding.

It is not - in my view - a dictatorship nor is it an oppressive affair. It is a democracy with each party sharing an equal weight in responsibilities though it is understood that with male and female genders - there may be certain qualities that each gender is predisposed to naturally. I.e. women are generally considered to be docile/homemakers and men breadwinners/providers. However in this day and age it is an often recognised fact (my opinion) that one must adapt to fill in whatever situation one meets them – whilst still maintaining the cordial balance.

We are both Africans,  but we are not from the same dialect or culture – in general our customs are similar – though the finer details may be slightly more complicated.

We  both practice “Islam” – and in this sense I use the term “Islam” loosely – but what I really  want to say is that we both regard ourselves as “submitters” – now don’t let me fool myself or you for that matter when I say “submitter “because it transpires that “submitter” is the English translation of the word “Muslim” the reason that some people prefer it over the word “Muslim” is to differentiate between what some may regard as different practices of mainstream “Muslims” and that of “Submitters”.

 Which by and large is that while mainstream Muslims say they worship God, they also in some peoples opinion, dedicate the religion to Muhammad and saints – and prefer hadiths over the words of the Quran Submitters on the other hand  say they worship God alone and dedicate the religion to God alone and prefer words of the Quran over any hadiths( however let me be honest – a leopard never changes it colour - unless by special dispensation from the Almighty – many submitters in my view are falling  in the same trap as previous generations, when they inadvertently shift away from what is clear and evidence based(Quran) for what is someone’s opinion and thought – they are ready to accept someone else’s opinion and findings without questioning it for themselves or checking to see if it is true or not.. but nevertheless I digress.

In terms of religion, we both grew up with more or less the same structure – heavy dependence on African Islam (which I can only explain as an awareness of God but also a dependence on other “African style” deities as a source of quick help, a veneration of saints and prophets bla bla bla.)

We both grew up wanting in  this religion whilst inwardly we had an awareness of God ( in all fairness only God knows those who are aware of him); we both thought that there was something much more that what we were being told about worshipping God.

It is through this route that we met.

Previous to this, I had been in a relationship with someone i could see myself marrying but I would not take the plunge because we were of different beliefs when it came to God – the fundamentals of which we could not reconcile – ( it is easy to marry while of different faiths but when children are concerned one must get their story right – I am a firm believer in unity for children and not to let any signs of disunity affect a child’s thought process/upbringing)

 For him, he agreed to marry someone due to pressure from his family – African traditional marriage – but that in itself did not work out.

 I guess through our numerous emails back and forth and conversations – the shared notion was that we wanted away from our families, - he wanted to be in a place where he could be himself and didn’t have all the family worries placed on his head whilst I wanted some sort of freedom from my family – I had only ever lived with my mum, I have never had the chance to live away from home or fend for myself etc, there is always the comfort of home.

 Somewhere along the line, he proposed, I accepted agreeing to marry him - with the notion that we would move away together to a place and start a life together – God and us...

Fast forward to  now...

sleep

Right now Most Gracious i feel anger..
anger towards SD because of issues i feel he has contributed to making my PND worse.
 i feel a failure as a mother because i was not able to do  what i considered right for the child at the time that it was needed.
sleep is a major issue and when i feel we had the time to correct the issue, i was not given the helping hand i felt i needed  to help settle him off to sleep.
rather i was thwarted at the chances.
 trying to get him to sleep at night for 8pm was thwarted because he came home late and would then want to play with a child that should otherwise be going to sleep, thereby exciting  the child and making sleep harder to come by.
when the child was settling to sleep, he would sometimes make noises that woke up the child and the process will have to start again, sometimes it felt as if he was oblivious to what the child/I was doing.
trying to get the child to soothe himself to sleep was thwarted because i felt each time the child cries, he would go to hold the child.. the child now has a correlation between crying and being held.comforted and finds it hard to soothe himself to sleep.

Most Gracious, i am at a crossroad in my life and i dont know right from left.. i feel i am not doing enough for the child to set him off onto a great start.. regardless of what i may or may not do, you my Lord are the one in charge of his welfare, his upbringing, his guidance.
I have asked of thee a righteous child and you have noted in your scriptures that the righteous are the ones who will succeed, therefore i implore thee to let my child succeed over this issue of sleep.... let him be able to sleep by himself with as little fuss as needed.
Animals when they are born, they sleep easily.. you my Lord has made it so..
Human beings when they are born may or may not have difficulty to sleep,, You my Lord are in charge of that...

i am trying to understand with a patience that as first time parents we make mistakes along the line.. but the anger reserved anger that is within me is not a good one, because it makes me think of how i was feeling, how down i felt, how hopeless i felt he made me feel, how unloved i was and how desperately close to suicide/running away.

 it is with this notion that was able to look at those who commit suicide and i  felt i could understand their pain and anguish... i would not say that i am sympathetic towards those that take their life... but i can understand how  and why sometimes that choice is what they thought they had.. because i too came that close..
 i felt trapped, lost,  hopeless, alone.. i felt abandoned and shunned.. i  did not feel i had any support but rather i felt that i was being undermined in terms of my looking after the child....

nevertheless Most Gracious, i am before thee again asking on behalf of my child.. knowing that as usual i am guilty of acts of omission and commission in that since i have known about this child, i have slowly slowly fallen at the wayside in terms of my worship to thee, but i ask that you overlook with the mercy and redemption of which yours is magnificent, I beg of thee that you do not take my sins out on my child and help him to sleep... it is discomforting to me to see him anguish over what i consider one of the simplest of tasks..
 in your scripture.. alladzi ja-alla lakumu layla li basan, wa nawma subatan - something along the line that you created the night as a cover for sleep and rest and the day for Resurrection... help him to rest at night, help him to sleep at night with little fuss, to sleep by himself, just as you have helped me i when in my youth to do please help him.`
 in return my Lord, whilst i know that at present i am struggling to find a balance in my life with my obligations, i will try to pay more attention/devotion to finding time to worship thee. thought in my defense( human being that i am) i will say that you (by your grace) are forever  in my thoughts.. with each passing day time,  or hour, on my  in my heart is that Be you glorified and all praise be to thee Most gracious, Lord of the universe.

slowly slowly the darkness and the anger  is receding in my head but sometimes it comes on when i  get into a situation that i feel trapped in..
I need thy help O lord.. i am  of your stock ( i make that claim because i accept that you are my Lord and creator and that i want to worship thee alone) please do not let me alone, but  be forever on my side and support and help me..
O lord of Abraham, the God of Jacob and Moses, the mighty Lord  of Solomon, the God of David please let me not alone, lest i go astray..

Quick observations

Quick question and observations....

 how much of arab culture is rooted into the practice of islam... how do we distinguish culture from the practice of faith.
the practice of faith in my view, is independent of culture as it spreads  to new lands and encounters new cultures and people..


Second thing which was on my mind today is an admission that with children and responsibility you do stray away from practices of worshipping God.
My responsibilities as a mother and sometimes as a wife.. seeks to take me away from the path and practice of worshipping God.. it should not be like this  and as yet i am still trying to find a balance between the two.. and a third one will enter into the picture in terms of work..
God help me to stay on his path.. to worship Him, praise Him always, all days..

missing da mosque

you know my Lord, I miss going to the mosque..
 what i miss is really the kinmanship and the feeling of being among others of the same faith.
i miss the conjoined praises and sermons etc...
 why do i not go to the mosque.. well mainstream mosque is not for me in that when they pray there is a very high regard for prophet muhammed  over the other prophets.. there is emphasis on God and muhammed.. and all i want to concentrate on is God alone..
 i do not find a prayer house near me where the concentration is on God alone without involving other prophets bla bla bla
 i miss it.. i guess also because i grew up with it as part of me, in my psyche...
 i do miss it...
subhanallahi, wa-l-hamdullilahi, wa lahillaha  illalahu, wa llahu-l-hamdu,  fi -l-ardi wa-l-akhirat, wa huwa azizu-l-hakim.

Hello.. is there love there?

i don't know if he really loves me.. or  better i should say i don't feel as if he loves me.
I want to feel loved, cherished and wanted but i don't feel all these things.
Yes he cares for me, he provides for me in terms of food.. but food is not a high list on my priority. Yes it is important for nourishment but the Most Gracious provides that for me.
What i crave for is affection and intimacy - something  i feel he cannot provide me  or he does not know how to provide it for me and therefore does not care to provide it for me
the whole episode   from the beginning of the 9 months has left a bad taste in my mouth because in some ways he changed from what i knew.
Yes i understand in life that change is constant but  this change is not something i accounted for, as i had told myself he seems the sort of person who would not be this way..
i feel i am treated at best as a sister or a friend - someone you feed and worry about their safety but that is  all.
I want more than that, i need more than that...
i want to be his Queen, i want him to love and cherish me like his queen, madly love me and madly want me..
i  don't want to feel like i am just another mouth to feed,
 i want to feel that i am special, someone who sets me apart from everyone else..
someone for me as i want to be for him,
someone to share with me... in this regard i feel like he dictates and does for me rather than share with me..
I am not a possession but a partner...
 do i even know what i am saying here??
i don't think he can show me love.. he has said he will change but some changes he has said  he would do and he does/did not change..
i don't think he knows how to show me the love that i want/need
i worry about this, and its at the back of my mind..
the  pregnancy pimples issues was a big turning point for me.
All i have in my head is despite what i was going through, he did not try to understand  and embrace and support me, instead he distanced, regarded and treated me like a leper..
how can  someone you love treat you like that,
It makes me think, if something worse were to happen further down the line.. is this how i will be treated the same.
I felt sad and i did not understand how..
 see for me, when you love someone you accept them, imperfections and all.. you see in them perfection despite their imperfection.
a hard choice i am having to pay in this body conscious world of hours.. breastfeeding+ pimply face or No breastfeeding+no pimply face..
but the choice is easy for me.. but i then doubt.. my would-be lover did not deal very well with my pimply face.. so i should stop breastfeeding so i don't get pimply faced and he would not look down on me.
he does care.. there is some care  in him....
but how much of a care is there to sustain a relationship/partnership/affectionaship/intimaship
he talks a good talk but the actions are not there
 i want love, i need love..
 i want to be his Queen, but i fear he is happy without one.

Praise to The Lord, The Almighty, the King of Creation

I will Glorify the Lord
I will praise His Holy Name
I will Glorify the Lord
I will Praise His Holy Name
Oba N'la Oba Rere ( Great King, Good King)
Oba N'La Oba Rere

Reform and Social Acceptability

There was something in the news that a convicted sex offender was  on the same celebratory boat with  the royals during the jubilee celebrations.

My first thought at this was so what?

  this brought up an inner conversation on - repentance and social acceptability.
If a person truly repents from a previous bad action, then why should we not forgive and allow that person to start over again??

We are all to quick to judge, to label and to ostracise individuals that we deem have fallen fowl of social acceptability standards - sex offenders, rapists, murderers bla bla.. the list is endless

Whilst on some level I understand this as a natural  preventative reaction within ones self for one's safety and the safety of our loved ones... but in all consciousness i have to ask myself... if i were in their shoes wouldn't i want society to allow me to reform?

 take a longstanding position on forgiveness - "We all ask  God to forgive our sins and allow us to reform and start again.. so why cant we afford the same for our fellow human beings?"

Granted God is the Most Merciful.. and his patience and love knows no bounds.. but still in that we would want some mercy and repentance for ourselves.. why cant we afford to give such to others who come across our paths?

 The subject of repentance and reform, whilst on a broad angle is something we cannot truly know or understand.. i say this because the mind of another person is not something that we are privy to.. whilst an individual may show outwards behaviours of reform and remorse, this may just be an act to fool the society and inwardly they may have not changed in the slightest.. that is for God to judge and not for us to worry about.

Whilst on some level we would worry, but we can only deal with an open hand and make and informed decision based on what we see and also to a large extent what we feel.. this inner beacon of judging dangerous persons and dangerous situations...

 there is also an issue in the sense of why can we not separate person/responsibility from action/crime committed. The example for this is that an experienced underwriter who is arrested/indicted for sex offence looses his job with a company he has worked for more than 20 years?
 i personally do not think this is fair.. but i do understand the issues behind it.
Firstly i would think that the sex offence has nothing to do with his job or ability to perform his job.. in that sexual preferences are part of a persons make-up that has nothing to do with everyday contact in society.
Secondly i understand that  if word gets out.. this persons fellow colleagues may find it hard to work with him as they may not be able to separate person/ability from action..
Thirdly i understand the adverse publicity for the company for the same reasons as above.

It will be an unfairness because in my view these people who commit crimes loose everything they have built up for ages, acceptance( which should not be underrated.. no man is an island), social standing, source of income... at the same time  the effect on the victims should not be underplayed. If they truly reform/repent, they should be allowed to continue on with their lives.. it will be a lesson learned for them and a deterrent  not to oblige the same crime.

I guess with tolerance/understand both parties may be able to come to a leeway.. if the perpetrator apologises and repents and  tries to reform... this will only be possible in its full ramifications with the social pardon to allow then to rebuild and move on from the incident ( both parties) and not have the incident thrown in their face all the time.

This then brings on another issue in my mind re sexual offences and what we as a society finds acceptable.

 i will pose the question...  to criminalise a man for chatting with an underage minor when the underage minor was posing as an adult on a social chat room? the issues  for me will be if the older man knew the person was underage or not.. if he did not know and assumes that he was having explicit sexual conversations with a consenting adult.. then personally i don't think he has done  anything wrong.. if he knew that is another matter entirely.. will bring up issues of was the minor consenting as well/ how mentally aware was the minor etc..

This is a murky subject..

God help us all and guide us to truth.. May he accept our repentance and help us change our lives around.

Find Someone

Find someone that isn't afraid to admit they miss you. Someone that knows you're not perfect but treats you as if you are. Someone who couldn't imagine losing you. Someone who gives their heart to you completely. Someone who says I love you and proves it. Someone who wouldn't mind waking up to you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and grey hair but still find you attractive
Someone who sees beyond your physical flaws/attractions to the heart within
someone who isnt afraid to care for you in public
Someone who  will  support you
Someone who  will talk to you.. not just talk with you but talk to you...
Someone who will kiss you with affection
Someone who will share with you..
Someone who does not think a womans place is in the kitchen
Someone who will cook for you also

No Love...

i just want you to love me.. to care for me..
i just want you to show me that you love me..
i need you to be intimate with me to share your love and feelings with me
I need you to want me, caress me, and love me
 for insecure as i confess to be  - I need this affirmation to bond me to you
 what is a bond without affection, what is a life without love
What is love without intimacy...What is intimacy without showing it

What is love... that is the Question of the day

Fear of Falling......Failing

Someone once asked me what did i want to do with my life.. and my answer without much thought was " to worship God".
Uncanny as it seems, i have no great desire for anything in life.
My view at present is that i am not ambitious enough to  motivate me into any profession, I have no great love for riches other than to be comfortable -
 just want to be.. me.. just worship God with the grand aim for peace and paradise and joy in the  hereafter.

it is not a crime to want simplicity in life,  not to want to be burdened by chaos  that is life, job, family, money etc..

 i do know through experience that ambitiousness causes me to be egoistic with despotic tendencies, i know that too much money brings on arrogance and pride...

 contentment is the order of the day.. to be happy with/in what ever situation i find myself..
 but  with honesty in mind, i realise that i am not truly content in life.. for i fear i suffer from " i want what they have" syndrome.
this makes me crave things that ordinarily i may not want but for fear of being left behind in the "great movement of human race" i will pursue

Through this plague of a disease.. i come to slowly understand myself.. my capabilities.. my own desires...

I want to be in a place where there is no fear of worship.. where i can sing and dance my bubbly behind, where i can be eloquent with praises to my creator.

i want to be in a place where there is security and peace

I want to be with someone who will love me and share with me life, love, praise  for God and worship

I fear though that i may not achieve all this..

I fear that i will fail in this  regard..

 i remember when i was younger about 20 yrs ago, i always told God in my heart, whatever i do in this life.. bad or good that He will grant me paradise..i always maintained that in my mind.. going through life never caring, never committing myself to Him.. until i was about 20yrs after much thought on this issue.. i then said to God  that i wanted to know i deserved a place with Him so i then said that an easy ticket is too easy for me, i needed to deserve a place in paradise.. so i gave up my ticket and i said to God, i want to deserve   my place.. i want to do the deeds that earn me a place, i want to give the praise that will earn me my place..

 i dont know if this was foolish.. to give up the easy route for something much more harder.

I feel like life is getting in the way of my worship..
I feel like i am letting life get in the way of my worship
I feel like i am failing myself letting life get in the way of my worship

i need thee o Lord to guide me through.. for life is filled with temptations that may take me from thee. Steel my heart, and lead me back to thee. without any fear or favour  - to be able to say that I am from thee, I am of thee, to serve thee, to praise thee... all of my life dedicated to thee

Musings of a lonely heart

There is no right... no left.. no center... There is just God.

God knows our path.. He alone knows the route to our success..

In my view the true test of faith is to say.. to blazes with the world and everything/everyone in it.. I put my trust in God alone..

how many of us can say that with  true convictions?

 the world is attractive, very enticing...we rush around distracted by money, by power, by friendship.... however in the end of things.. it is not important at all...

 i am not saying live like a hermit.. far from it.. what we have  in this world.. that God has enabled us to achieve  we should enjoy...the enjoyment of it all should endear us more to God.. but often than not we find that the enjoyment and the pursuit of life takes us away from the path of faith.. the path of God..

 its a fine balance to strike.. enjoy life and be faithful to God.. but dont get trapped by life... remaining devoted to God..