Debt in my head

Debt - this is my fault - due to my recklessness, ignorance, passiveness and impatience - i made wrong decisions, spent money that i didn't own and i have resolved that by God's grace that i will be rid of it. You don't want to accept that i do not want you to help me pay it off. You have offered help as an enticement to get me here to stay in december - ( but it turns out that the bank did not approve the loan)  - you asked me the minimum amount i needed and said that you will help me every month - the only amount you have given me is £500 towards the car to get rid of it.( i am very very and still am undoubtedly grateful for this amount) but further than that, each month you did not help me as you said you would. i didn't ask you either.

- it is my responsibility and my mistake therefore i should be given the chance to address it myself

- it is not pride or arrogance but plain simple i need to teach myself a lesson so that i do not ever make the same mistake again

-i did not keep the fact that i had financial responsibility away from you - i only did not tell you the details of them. but in my defense ( a poor one at that), everyone has financial responsibility - mortgage, car payments, card payments etc..

-i am afraid that if you pay this money for me, later on in future it will be an issue  that you will throw back in my face.

- if places were reversed, i am not sure to be honest i would do the same unless i had the money to spare, but i would help with it.

- please understand - how can i let you borrow money from the bank to pay the debt and then you pay it back with wages you earned . if i was another girl and you were my brother, i would say that the girl is a gold digger. how can i let you sell your house, to help me pay a debt that you had nothing to do with.

- I am working - and i asked to give me time to pay off my debts and save money - so i can come to you secure with my position. God willing with determination and Gods help i can do this - but you do not like that because you want me to be with you.  but you disregard me and alienate me when i am with you.. so i do not understand..

- marriage is a partnership - yes but in this instance this financial burden was when i was single - i was happy paying it off  little by little, never in any rush ( knew the issue of usury but never really understood its practical applications in my life and commitments) - i was just lazy - if i had focused on it then it would have been done. and we may not be having this conversation.

- about 12 hours of the day, i am left alone. I am like a prisoner here, in summer, i cant go out much due to the sun and pollen, i do not speak the language, but i can about manage to get by - when you come back from work, you do not have time for me. i sit in the house watching TV - albeit in foreign language - if i am lucky it will have english translations - and when you come home - we don't talk,  you want me to watch tv with you?? to you this is ok - because you have not had to watch tv all day..

 you are not the one at home with suicidal thoughts because there is nothing for me to do, i feel lost and trapped and alone..

 when i used to come here 2010 - it was the same - when you came back from work - you went on your computer - you did not understand the meaning of Quality time - for us to spend time together. i tried to introduce lazy days for us to bond together - but  you refused  to commit - i felt like you were running away from me - whenever someone called for your help - you jumped at it - you left me alone most times, to run errands for other people- and then i will ask myself - is it me? you never seemed to want to spend time with me to do the things i liked - movies, eating out,  window shopping( i understand you are a guy, but even an attempt to say for instance - i will drop you there and you will come back for me after i am done goofing around looking at things) - fooling around, but you did try - i remember when you took me out on the tour bus ride, when we went out to eat at tabla pizza, or when we went for movie at opera - you did try a a bit - it is like you tried once or twice and then forgot about it. its like you do it once and hope that i would shut up about it..

in august/september 2011 when i came my time was not wholly enjoyable  - there were issues btw me and you back and forth - i was lonely, being in the house by myself nothing to do, i was starving affection  i wanted to be cuddled and told sweet nothings to, there were some crazy allegations from you that i considered they were unfounded.I was pregnant and you were physical with me - that was a mistake probably - but all the same that was in you as you behaved in that manner..

there was the issue that you hold to your head - one incident that i went to the bank with you and i regarded myself -o i must look like shit today - this is one issue that you keep playing in your head over and over again - but you forget the other mornings that you leave the house do not have your bath or you leave wearing clothes that you have worn before - or you leave without combing your hair -

this is  in my view - double standards - and hypocrisy - one rule for you another for me??

i went back and we had a war of words in october and november regarding the issue of debt and where to give birth to the child. with you threatening to dissolve our relationship if i had the child in the uk, so i came here. this in my view is bullying because the health and welfare of myself and the child should have been the topmost priority - what i saw from you  was that  it was convenient for you in order to see the child was your priority not my health or welfare - you did not put me first or my considerations. there is nothing wrong with  your hospitals other than i did not speak the language and i wanted to give birth in a place where i would have been comfortable  in terms of care and communications.

in december i came here, it was a difficult month for me, i was lost i felt so alone, after the war of words - i didn't know how it would be with us - i was alone most of the time, no one to speak to, no one to ask after me - you tried to make me talk but i was suffering inside still unsure how you truly felt about me, not about the child about me as a woman, as a wife, as a partner to you, i was starving affection, - you fed me, and watered me the only thing you left off was emotional connection and intimacy.

you then disrespected me - this is the incidence of me coming out one sunday morning to find you in the living room. i wonder if the tables were turned how you will feel. that was rejection in my face.

communication is the key in any relationship - you did not communicate with me, you did not tell me how you felt - even if it was difficult to speak to me - we always had letters - this is how we communicated to ourselves initially - there you can say your piece w/o any interruptions and try to make the other person see where you were coming from.

i was in the house by myself lonely as heck, i had no motivation to do anything...