it is not as i imagined it to be

today,.. i want to reflect.. the words for which have been accumulating over 6 months.. it has taken me some time to sort out clarity from "mind machines".. to try to think clearly, logically, not letting emotions cloud my judgement.
But i guess this is hard .. because emotions are so entwined with thoughts that sometimes it is easy to  follow its path but as with truth, one knows that emotions can cloud judgement and can taint innocence.. making false look like truth and feeding the ego.

Marriage they say is a partnership, with both parties working towards a mutual goal/understanding.

It is not - in my view - a dictatorship nor is it an oppressive affair. It is a democracy with each party sharing an equal weight in responsibilities though it is understood that with male and female genders - there may be certain qualities that each gender is predisposed to naturally. I.e. women are generally considered to be docile/homemakers and men breadwinners/providers. However in this day and age it is an often recognised fact (my opinion) that one must adapt to fill in whatever situation one meets them – whilst still maintaining the cordial balance.

We are both Africans,  but we are not from the same dialect or culture – in general our customs are similar – though the finer details may be slightly more complicated.

We  both practice “Islam” – and in this sense I use the term “Islam” loosely – but what I really  want to say is that we both regard ourselves as “submitters” – now don’t let me fool myself or you for that matter when I say “submitter “because it transpires that “submitter” is the English translation of the word “Muslim” the reason that some people prefer it over the word “Muslim” is to differentiate between what some may regard as different practices of mainstream “Muslims” and that of “Submitters”.

 Which by and large is that while mainstream Muslims say they worship God, they also in some peoples opinion, dedicate the religion to Muhammad and saints – and prefer hadiths over the words of the Quran Submitters on the other hand  say they worship God alone and dedicate the religion to God alone and prefer words of the Quran over any hadiths( however let me be honest – a leopard never changes it colour - unless by special dispensation from the Almighty – many submitters in my view are falling  in the same trap as previous generations, when they inadvertently shift away from what is clear and evidence based(Quran) for what is someone’s opinion and thought – they are ready to accept someone else’s opinion and findings without questioning it for themselves or checking to see if it is true or not.. but nevertheless I digress.

In terms of religion, we both grew up with more or less the same structure – heavy dependence on African Islam (which I can only explain as an awareness of God but also a dependence on other “African style” deities as a source of quick help, a veneration of saints and prophets bla bla bla.)

We both grew up wanting in  this religion whilst inwardly we had an awareness of God ( in all fairness only God knows those who are aware of him); we both thought that there was something much more that what we were being told about worshipping God.

It is through this route that we met.

Previous to this, I had been in a relationship with someone i could see myself marrying but I would not take the plunge because we were of different beliefs when it came to God – the fundamentals of which we could not reconcile – ( it is easy to marry while of different faiths but when children are concerned one must get their story right – I am a firm believer in unity for children and not to let any signs of disunity affect a child’s thought process/upbringing)

 For him, he agreed to marry someone due to pressure from his family – African traditional marriage – but that in itself did not work out.

 I guess through our numerous emails back and forth and conversations – the shared notion was that we wanted away from our families, - he wanted to be in a place where he could be himself and didn’t have all the family worries placed on his head whilst I wanted some sort of freedom from my family – I had only ever lived with my mum, I have never had the chance to live away from home or fend for myself etc, there is always the comfort of home.

 Somewhere along the line, he proposed, I accepted agreeing to marry him - with the notion that we would move away together to a place and start a life together – God and us...

Fast forward to  now...