sleep

Right now Most Gracious i feel anger..
anger towards SD because of issues i feel he has contributed to making my PND worse.
 i feel a failure as a mother because i was not able to do  what i considered right for the child at the time that it was needed.
sleep is a major issue and when i feel we had the time to correct the issue, i was not given the helping hand i felt i needed  to help settle him off to sleep.
rather i was thwarted at the chances.
 trying to get him to sleep at night for 8pm was thwarted because he came home late and would then want to play with a child that should otherwise be going to sleep, thereby exciting  the child and making sleep harder to come by.
when the child was settling to sleep, he would sometimes make noises that woke up the child and the process will have to start again, sometimes it felt as if he was oblivious to what the child/I was doing.
trying to get the child to soothe himself to sleep was thwarted because i felt each time the child cries, he would go to hold the child.. the child now has a correlation between crying and being held.comforted and finds it hard to soothe himself to sleep.

Most Gracious, i am at a crossroad in my life and i dont know right from left.. i feel i am not doing enough for the child to set him off onto a great start.. regardless of what i may or may not do, you my Lord are the one in charge of his welfare, his upbringing, his guidance.
I have asked of thee a righteous child and you have noted in your scriptures that the righteous are the ones who will succeed, therefore i implore thee to let my child succeed over this issue of sleep.... let him be able to sleep by himself with as little fuss as needed.
Animals when they are born, they sleep easily.. you my Lord has made it so..
Human beings when they are born may or may not have difficulty to sleep,, You my Lord are in charge of that...

i am trying to understand with a patience that as first time parents we make mistakes along the line.. but the anger reserved anger that is within me is not a good one, because it makes me think of how i was feeling, how down i felt, how hopeless i felt he made me feel, how unloved i was and how desperately close to suicide/running away.

 it is with this notion that was able to look at those who commit suicide and i  felt i could understand their pain and anguish... i would not say that i am sympathetic towards those that take their life... but i can understand how  and why sometimes that choice is what they thought they had.. because i too came that close..
 i felt trapped, lost,  hopeless, alone.. i felt abandoned and shunned.. i  did not feel i had any support but rather i felt that i was being undermined in terms of my looking after the child....

nevertheless Most Gracious, i am before thee again asking on behalf of my child.. knowing that as usual i am guilty of acts of omission and commission in that since i have known about this child, i have slowly slowly fallen at the wayside in terms of my worship to thee, but i ask that you overlook with the mercy and redemption of which yours is magnificent, I beg of thee that you do not take my sins out on my child and help him to sleep... it is discomforting to me to see him anguish over what i consider one of the simplest of tasks..
 in your scripture.. alladzi ja-alla lakumu layla li basan, wa nawma subatan - something along the line that you created the night as a cover for sleep and rest and the day for Resurrection... help him to rest at night, help him to sleep at night with little fuss, to sleep by himself, just as you have helped me i when in my youth to do please help him.`
 in return my Lord, whilst i know that at present i am struggling to find a balance in my life with my obligations, i will try to pay more attention/devotion to finding time to worship thee. thought in my defense( human being that i am) i will say that you (by your grace) are forever  in my thoughts.. with each passing day time,  or hour, on my  in my heart is that Be you glorified and all praise be to thee Most gracious, Lord of the universe.

slowly slowly the darkness and the anger  is receding in my head but sometimes it comes on when i  get into a situation that i feel trapped in..
I need thy help O lord.. i am  of your stock ( i make that claim because i accept that you are my Lord and creator and that i want to worship thee alone) please do not let me alone, but  be forever on my side and support and help me..
O lord of Abraham, the God of Jacob and Moses, the mighty Lord  of Solomon, the God of David please let me not alone, lest i go astray..