U.. me.. Aur Um....

Life is fraught with problems.
and one mans blessing is another mans problem..

Lord, I am frail, I am gullible and i lack courage..

let this not be a kind of test fo rme dear Lord...
if it is, Let me remember thee always, remember to praise thee and to hold onto thee

i have no other but thee, know no other but thee and want no other but thee..

i think it is a test, so i turn to thee dear Lord, before the darkness comes ontowards, to shine a light for me, to help me see, to shine a light for me and lead me through, to shine a light for me and guide me through to success, to victory to righteousness and Peace....

it is a weird feeling and i have been here before, thinking that yes i have found it, for it only to be snatched away from me ( maybe snatched is not the right word because whatever is meant for me will always be for me and will never go by me)

i dont want any pollution, i need a clear mind, i need a firm heart, that inspite and despite, in the face of all or nothing, i dont cave in, that i dont run, but i stand with my heart firm and confident that inspite of loosing all, that i can say, that I stand with the Lord, come what may, in this life, with all it can throw at me, That i stand firm with the good Lord, who has always provided for me, sustained me and helped me, that i stand firm and that God will provide and adetutu knows that that which the good lord does provide is surely the best for her in any situation... n'est c'est pas?

13/02/2010 - 2:40am

Most Gracious, it hurts, it kind of does, but i am ok and i accept it.
A conversation i had today has made me look over an the actions and the subsequent consequences that i have recieved in life and dear Lord, i have no one to blame for myself.

For being afraid to say no and stick to my guns
for going along with things that i didnt want to do just because of peer pressure
For just doing things to please people or make people like me

Dear Lord, this is where it has got me...
but i am glad that i know now to say my piece and leave the rest with thee..
no arguements no fights, no quarrells, no anger no hurt
i just say my piece and then i hold onto thee dear lord...

i am not sad, i am glad for me it is a journey, it is a well learned lesson, it is an experience to understand myself, to know get to know thee better, appreciate thee better, love thee better...
it is a lesson, and some people are not fortunate enough to be taught a lesson and to realise their mistakes... but you have given me that opportunity.

Dear Lord, protect me from blaspheming against thee like others before me, Protect me from idol worship, pardon me and forgive me for my many mistakes
when at a time i forgot thee, i left thee, i closed my heart and my ears to thy words...
Dear Lord forgive me...Sorry cannot take back all that i done, all that i was party to...sorry for me is not just enough..
Dear Lord, let me walk in thy light, teach me thy truth and teach me how to worship thee, let me hold onto thee, let me never let go...

pain!! help me God

you know, when i was little, and i was sick...( in general the only sickness that i was terrified of was either a serious headache, serious belly ache or traumatic period pain. in short that is what my griper were growing up) i rememebr i would ask God to help me beat the pain...

most especially with belly ache, especially when i was far far away from a toilet and i was really really pressed, i would recite some verses from the Quran. on my hand...mainly Kursiyu and i would rub my belly with it.. yes it helped.. somehow somehow it worked...

not i am in pain.... this huge thing on my armpit is bothering me like mad....... its painful

God pls please, i need relief, i dont have any antibiotics at home( i need to get some and keep them at home, something like ampicillin or tetracyclin) its painful Lord...
help please.... how did it even happen , i have never had an ingrown hair under my arm before... honestly i thought i knew what pain was.. i didnt..
This is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo painffffffffffulll

ingrown hair

really its painfull,

and i dont know what to do.. its not about the size of a 5p coin...

its painful, it hurts and i want to cry...

it is really making me feel low..

cos i dont want it....

i want it to go..

so i keep squeezing it hoping it will draw the eye out then i can chook it..

but no nothings hapening...

the pain hurts and its addictive at the same time....

God please i want it to go....

Quarells and disputes

argue argue , quarell quarell, fight, fight,
Ego Ego,
knowledge knwoledge,
understanding understanding
tolerance tolerance.

i am reading this today and this for me epitomises the perfect resolve to any arguements or quarells... For those who think they know it all, for those who think they have grasped it all, for those who think others are wrong, for those who just decide to leave it up to God..

Our God, Initiator of the heavens and the earth, Knower of all secrets and declarations, You are the only One who judges among Your servants regarding their disputes.
39:46.

When all else fails or not and we fail to see reason, or not fail to exercise patience or not, fail to show understanding or not, let us remember God, To Him we have all come from and to Him we will all be returned... He will show us all our works, The Truth will be established with Him, we shall then all see, - what is and what isn't........... We shall them know -what was and what wasn't............ We shall then hear the Truth about all our quarrells and disagreements..

God knows while we dont.....

see, speak hear and know

Not all things i see showud be seen...
Not all things i hear should be heard
Not all things i say should be said
Not all things i know should be known..
Not all things i desire may be good for me
Not all things i despise may be bad for me

My God, Help me to know better, see better, understand better
Provide me with widsom, knowledge, and understanding and patience too.
in this life and in the hereafter there is no other God but thee. Be thou glorified Most Gracious God.

hmmmmmm

Dear Lord, After so many weekks and months of not having them, they came back yesterday night...

Dear Lord, if i am honest, for my sanity and my development, I wpuld prefer not tohave them...

Yes some people may find them interesting, i find them very disturbing...

It os not for me to think that someone out thre is planing for me and wants my downfall, for i believe that whatever happens is w test from Thee for everyone involved, - and Where is suffering, when Thy victory is always assured...

Is this how the devil thinks he can catch me, is this how it thinks it can infiltrate my mind....

hmmm,

Dear Lord, these dreams i dont want to have, i would prefer not to have.

So therefore, Most high, the only befiting thing for me to say at this point is that I seek refuge with thee O Lord, the Almighty Possessor of All Authority. I seek refuge with thee from the evils from among your creations, I seek refuge with thee from the evil of darkness as it falls, i seek refuge with thee from the evils of the troublemakers, and i seek refuge with thee Lord from the evils of the envious when they envy..

For with your protection I am assured safety, I come to thee dear Lord, to purify my heart and cleanse my thoughts... I run to thee dear Lord, please hold on to me and dont let go,........

father abraham

there is a programme on bbc being shown aout abraham - and for me the central message there is
HOw come that three faiths that share soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, have so much hostility towards themselves...

we are all claiming abraham, - claiming abraham is not worth any clout - is that a promise to paradise??
what did abraham stand for - one god - worshipping one God - now lets ask ourselves - are we all worshipping one God only..... abraham forsaked the worshipping of other than God, he stood true to his calling and he stood for God only - in the face of persecution - he trusted and trusted implicitly - this is what all our scriptures tells us.

abrahams covenant - Worship God only - devote religion to God only..

Remember there is only one truth - it is how we relate to this truth that creates divisions in society - but for where we rememebr God, worship God, observe his words, remember tolerance, remember to hold on to God only.. so where is the hostility if we rely and trust in God....

infact we human beings are stupid and crazy - we are all mad.......
God guide us all.




this life is funny,
i will watch this programme gw when i get back to g-town

untitled...

thia life is interesting and it is doing my head in...
i want to know soo much, i am consumed by wanting to find out answers, but it gets sooo complicated, it gets sooo hard.

infact thi slife is tiring, and i am tored, so much divisiom, so much insecurities, no much hardship, so much choice, so much wahala.....

maybe i have a preconvieved idea how i want the message to be, how i want the knowledge to be - but then that is not knowledge but rather that is self dellusion...

truth does not seek to agree or disagree with whatever notion that you may have in your head - Truth is truth, it is a fact, it is what it is -its how you relate to it that brings the chaos or order in your life.

God, help me to know your truth, help me to understand your truth, help me to worship thee, help me to glorify and praise thee... it is hard on th eonset and it is easy with hindsight, help m elord, direct me and accept me as a righteous servant of yours, a believing servant, a patient servant, a trusting servant, a submitting servant, a honest servant.
Guide me to the truth, above all deceptions, above all misrepresentations, and help me to realise, understand and accept. in my heart help me with the right logic, meaning and application of thy words...

God really this life is hard, i am finding all this information sifting hard to comprehend...
protect me from blaspheming against thee like others before me have, forgive me and pardon me, you alone are my Lord and master, on thee i depend, in thee i trust, grant me from thee acceptance in this life and the hereafter...

floor

you know what i have not done in a long long time... sleep on the floor...
in my lowest of lows that i can ever imagine, i was at the mercy of God, i was sunk low low and i slept on the floor for abut 9 months consecutively.

i remember the position exactly, where i was, how i was, how i felt, ...

anyways i am grateful that i am past all that , lord, yes i am past all that,

but i do miss sleeping on the floor, just the simplicity of it all, no stress of bed covers, no stress ot pillows or mattress, etc, it was just simple and easy, the floor , there is nothing more natural than that....

its funny isnt it... well for me it is

tonto had a bath!!!

i walked by you and i almost missed you.
i would not believe my eyes.
it cost a tenner for a wash and vacum and clean and heck!! is was a job well done

I have never seen ur wheels so clean - i was flabbergasted..
damn!! tonto you looking sexy.
on the way home, people were checking you out, wow!! my head was swelling with pride!!
imagine, my tonto, you is sexy!!!!!!

but nevertheless, whilst i am swelling with pride, i have to cut it down for i dont want it to lead to arrogance.
i will enjoy this moment for today, for tonight only, and with this pride we have to remember to thank God for his blessings and his mercy.

We thank God for the opportunty to remember that you had to be washed ( i have been evading this for like 4 months)
we thank God for the funds to wash you, for the dear man who cleaned you with love and attention, for the labour of love and for the job that i say was well done.
we thank God for the happiness that i feel right now - each time i get to smile and be filled with simple happiness, tha mad laughter that is inside of me now, the sunshine smile that is beaming from my heart. hmmm
tonto yes indeed we thank God.

My Lord direct me to be appreciative of the blessings that you have bestowed on me and to do righteous works that please thee. I am grateful and i am thankful Lord , my Provider, My King.
Be thou Glorified always!!!

be firm and be strong, your weakness is not fone or display,

I am crying Lord, because i am sad, i an fraught with insecurities, i am worried , i am not worried, i am tired, i am not tired, infact everything is just topsy turvey at the moment,

but i seek refuge with thee, and i find solace in knowing that you are my provider, you are my lord. you are in control, you have all authority.
so adetutu, dry your eyes, the Lord is with you, and He will not let you go. He will comfort you, and He will provide you with peace.

so adetutu, be firm, be strong

fear and mind

the mind is an interesting concept you know...
in your mind you can amplify fear, loss, grief, to a level that you make yourself in awe of it,
you then start to fear it and it overtakes your thought and mind...

but never!!!, for where the Lord is in crontrol, you cannot fear any harm or injustice, you cannot fear fear - except to fear the good Lord...

so my mind is playing tricks on me and it is wanting to capitalise of my fear of lonliness and heartache, it wants to build on my yearnings and longings and thus make me afraid of myself..

But alas, The good Lord has shown me, what is there to loose if there was nothing there in the first instance..

why should i fear, why should i let it rule me, Never,

what is for you will always be for you, i have a strong belief in that and remember Adetutu does know that whatever the Good Lord does provide, is surely the best for her- however long she has to wait for it, the sweet taste of finality and success from God is surely the best thing ever in this life and in the hearafter, surely its worshipping God in paradise..

so mr and mrs fear, that is compounding on me tonight, i have sought, refige in my Lord and gw you cannot, shall not, will not, gain hold of me.... I fear my Lord ansd i believe in him and i trust in him that my welfare is sorted out, I trust that my hopes are before him and the best outcome will result... so dont ply me with insecurities, and dont torment me with heartache...

My God is in control, has always been and will always be... end of!!!

BRALESSSSS>>>

so aparently i have been wearing the wrong size, for what seems - straightforward to guess - i reckon i didnt even think of it properly -

went with my friend to so a spot of window shopping in debenhams and for whatever reason w elanded in the bra underwear department.

it was funny - i never know why but whenever i go into a shop and i pass the undwear section i cannot help but chuckle and laugh at the funny shapes and designs of some things that i may find utterly ridicoulous and some which are highly overpriced - imagine me - Adetutu buying a bra for £39.99 - Can you imagine that - for anyone who knows me - my money must go a long way - besides bloody heck - its a piece of cloth - it definitely aint worth that amount of monet -

what if ink spills on it - i mistakenly add bleach to the washing - and the color fades within 3 days of buying it - that means £39.99 is down the drain...

dont misunderstand me - i am not a cheapskate for the pure fact that i love a good bargain - but really its a piece of cloth - there is no cloth that is worth that amount of money - my moto is quality at ridicoulously cheap prices - that is my shopping mantra - its alla case of where you go to buy the stuff - will i go to debenhams and buy a wonderbra for £50 or i will go go ***** and but exactly the same bra for £2. (**** - you think i will be telling you the name of my shop - you must ne joking thats is how i used to sing the praises of tk maxx and tell everyone they sell designer gear at drop dead prices - and not the stupid shop is no expensive - imagine wanting to sell me a alexanger mcqueen jackt for £199 - who has that amount of money for a jacket - a jacket!! what if bird shit dropps on it or ink pours on it - then you have to spend extra cash to get the stain out and if you are unfortunate enough you cant get the stain out and thats the end of the jacket you bought for £199.... )

so back to this bra fitting - so the woman there got ne stripped to the waist with my back turned to her and she took one look at me and said try a 30D - i laughed my head off and said it cant be because i have aways wore a 34b - and she said no she was serious and went to get the bra -

she then got me hunched back and proceeded to explain why she thought a 30D was the right size for me she then changed her mind and went to get another one and said that i am a cross between a 30d and a 30e depending on the shape of the bra.. - i must admit it was a tight comfortable fit

generally she explained i have a shamm body = i have a small waist - so in effect the cylindrical shape of my body is the same from ny waist all the way to the underside of my armpits -

this woman blew me off - 30D....

so i just kept going what of all the bra's i have in my house that is 34b - she just said point blank that is the wrong size..

herein lies my delima - where the heck am i going to get a bra that is 30D that is within my price range...

you know what i mean - if i buy a bra for £40 you bet that that bra should be made of gold and be sewn with silver thread - and you might as well guess that the whole world must see and admire the bra ... can you imagine £40 for a bra - ridicoulous..

so i checked primark and the sizes they have there goes as low as a 32. marks and spencers and Next - i generally dont shop in as a rule - cos i find them ridicoulously over priced - in generall i am not a Next fan - unless there is suit sale..

anyway i digress - like you will find me in debenhams buying bras for £40 lolololol

so unfortunately i am at a loss - from now on you will see me crawling the debenhams blue cross sale or everything must go sale looking for size 30D or 30E cup bras - if all else fails and the bra is not priced between £1 and 3 at a max i may go for £4. then sorry it seems i will have to settle for a 32D from most shops where i know for a fact that i can get them for £1.... besides its only a couple of centimeters off the real mark so it should not make too much of a different - besides i am handy with a needle and thread so i can alter the band to a 30 circumference bra....

look - stop goint cheap skate - i prefer my money to be spent on quality food for me to eat and on fulfilling my obligations - rather than on clothes that of just fabric and insignificant anyways

help

YOU WOULD THINK THAT I HAVE LEARNT MY LESSON BUT NOOOOOO - it seems that i like to punish myself necessarily..

here i am in all my crown and gallantry - trying to coax my sphincters to release it grips so as to allow me to deficate successfully...

why did i have to eat... i knew i was not hungry - my body did not want anything to eat - but noooo - because i had a crappy stressful day ( i dont know what stressfull if yet until tomorrow - Day two of this female onslaught)

now the food is going no where any my bowels are not doing any movement - but my doby is telling me that it needs to off load - so the saga continues over and over again...

i have asked for tomorrow off as an emergency holiday - because i have to be honest here - with what i knwo is coming tomorrow - going by what today has shown me - i will be as cranky as muck- in pain as PAIN, and i will be dripping like an over run fountain.

today i had to cry - the shame of it can you imagine - i had an accident( of the female kind) with my chair at work - i did not leave the offivce till 8pm - by then every staff in my department had gone - so i would wheel the chair over to the bathroon to try to get the stain off - and trust me it wasnt any thing like a small stuff, i had sat there unbeknown to be overdripping and for whatever reason it did not figure in my head that this is what had happened - what if i had got up and people had seen - the embarrassement of it... what am i a 13 year old girl or what....

i am sure i managed to get the stuff out - but the only thing now remaims will it dry in time or not - so really the mortifying shame of it all + pain + pain +pain +pain + constipation+headache +cranky really is not inspiring me to go to work tomorrow -

so my routine - whch i hate to do is one painkiller every 2 hrs till tomorrow is over....

i rememebr when i was younger and i went to my friends house to do my hair, that day for whatever reason i felt special, i wore my yellow skirt that was tough to iron and a shirt ( not sure of the colour) i sat there paitiently while my hair was being done - and lo and behold when it was time for me to get up and go home - the coin dropped - i has messed myself up without knowing it, the shame of it and embarrasseemnt - so i had to borrow a wrapper and walk home... it wa snot that far - but this brought back memories again and......they are not things i want to remember....


arrrgh,....
i am still here, my bowels wont move, my spinchter is clamped and will only release for 30 seconds then clanps shut by which anny attempts to push without any successful defacation means i have to jump up before the clamping pain paralyses my leg ---
on a whole it is quite funny,,, but in reality the pain is blodddddddddddddddddddddy awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwful.......

i need help, hekp you hear i seriously neeeeeed help.... helppppppppppppppppppppp