today is a moaning day.. Forgive me dear Lord

MG i dont want to complain, but i want to moan..
i cant complain, and really in all honesty i cannot even moan, because in all fairness, you are more than good to me.. and what is this one difficulty if it is not but a test of strenght and my resolve..

for a long time in my life, i take others choices, i do what people want me to do, i dont do what i want to do... i do things because i dont want to upset people, iw ant people to like me, i want to be their friend... i want them to be my friend, i put myself in situations that i know i should not be in....

now i have a stake in what i want to do and they dont want me to do it..

first you brought me into the rift btw you made me forgoe what i wanted and made me involved... the person that was right to defend you refused to get involved, he left you alone, i feel you burdened me with the grief and pain... that which i was not able to deal with....

then it was my birthday - you wanted to do what you wanted - my plan was to spend the day in prayer, the night before in prayer to my God, i wanted isolation i wanted peace - but you wont hear anything of that, you just wanted to celebrate the day for me - even though i said i didnt want to... you absolved me of any cooking saying you would do the whole thing - but in reality i didnt want to share my day wth anyone other than my God, i wanted to dedicate the day in prayer to God..

now this - you are saying its is your day, it is not you day it is a day i will have dedicated to my God... is is not about you or your choices in life but about me, us, our choices, our struggles in life...

MG i am not a strong person, in any way at all, infact i am rather weak of mind, but i try to stay true to my heart and knowing that you will gw guide me and inspire me, i try to remain as much as i can true to you...

it is giving me stress and i dont like stress, i dont like hassle, i dont like worries... i fear i will run away and hide myself, becasue of all this grief..

for me it is grief, gried because, you want to hijack my day...
it is not particularly important for me that either one are there.
you have given consent - that is enough for me,
your choice in religion is not my choice, and how you worship is not how i worship. not that, that makes any difference to me, it does not, that is between you and your God as is mine btw me and my God..
there is only one God - so how it plays out only God knows.

i do not want to be in a position that i chooose one over another, to attend the day, if i cannot have them together doing as i would like to do it then i would rather not involve them in it..

this day is a day i want to dedicate to my God, it is a date that i have not been fussed on choosing, i have left it to God and a date has been picked...

left to me, there would only be three, tops 5 present - God, us, officiator and witness. and thats all..
i dont know how i want to explain that is is a day dedicated to God, it is a day i want to be full of praise and prayers, reflection and thought, a day to thank and praise the good lord for all his blessings in my life, to renew convenants with my God, to be close to God...
-

you say i am a fundamentalist - as i have different views from main stream islam - guaranteed if that is the label for me, then fair enuff - but i know how i want to have my day and it is a dream of mine... if i have it anyother way i wont be able to contend with it .....

many a times, in blind trust that you knew what was right , you made me do things i knew i didnt want to do, go places i didnt want to go, take things i didnt want to take... all because you were elder, but i knew and i didnt have a choice but to listen - but i did have a choice and i refused to listen to my heart and followed you instead....

now just because you want to have your way - you want me to hold off our plans...

did you wait with me, when my heart was torn out of me body... did you hold off your plans to wait with me... ?/????? you left becuse you had plans for yourself you left when you had to leave.. i was distraught, i was as low as i have never been low, part of it was you involving me in things that i was not meant to be involved in..... part of it was your imaginations and saying this, saying that....

i was not given anyone else but you, and i cherish you dearly, however as much as i love you, i have to follow my path and make my decisions, the time for me doing things your way is long gone, because ihave my mind and i pray to God for guidance and Gods guidance and direction is the only thing i need in my life....
i see you and i see your mistakes, i dont want to make the same kind of mistake, i dont want the same kind of life, i dont want games, i dont want emotional blackmail, i dont want mistrust, i dont want lies, and hypocrisy.. i dont want that

Mg these are the things i am running from, i dont want any of it...
i want truth, i want honesty, i want trust, i want peace and security in God,

MG that is my rant over for now.... as ever i am grateful for the opportunity to allow me to let this off my chest, I am grateful dear lord for all your blessings and all your mercies in life and i pray for your guidance and direction, protection and support, forgiveness, mercy, assistance and help daily and always, in this life and in the next.

God guide me in this my choice, you know what is best for me, you know my present.. I leave this matter in your hands an gw the best solution will happen.

on your marks, get set.... Ready. GO!!!!!!

MG, i went running, Glasgow 5k fun run.. i finished it in around 30 -35 mins... thats not bad really... i ran the whole course through and i didnt stop for a brake...

now i have gone to buy cake.. and i will sit down and eat this cake willing and gleefully..

but i will say MG thank you.... so now back to gym next week gw.

my legs are like jelly, but i reckon the cake is my meal for the day- i cant eat anything else...

ii have a headache, but all the same, well worth it... MG thanking you very much

Devinez Quoi!!!

today, I am going to talk to you... yes you !!!!! Qui? moi!! Qui, vous!!!

I have waited my whole life for you.. someone who loves God,wants to worship God, believes in God and trusts God.
I have prayed my hardest for you.. a submitter to God and God alone
I have cried my tears for you... a partner, a leader, a friend, a confident, someone I can laugh with, someone I can share my dreams with..... someone to hold, someone to love..
I have waited paitently for you..... I have longed and hoped and I have waited and waited...

Ultimately we both come from the same place, we want something different..
We want true devotion to God, trust and belief in the most High
We want to trust, we want to hold on to God alone, we want to worship, we want to exalt and magnify..

whilst on the face of it there may be differences, we speak different, we live differently, ultimately our hearts is the same. It is this shared goal that brings us together, that gw will keep us together.

I have cried for you, i have begged for you, - one who loves God, one who loves God with all his heart, one who will be true to God, who will set an example for me to follow.. One who says what he means and means what he says... i am not syaing you are perfect , i am not saying that you may not slip, but you know what is true and you remain true to God as much as you can, God willing

i pray that God guides us, protests us, forgives us our sins and accepts us in his service.
The love in our hearts may He let flourish and may He let it shine.
May God grant us patience for each other, understanding, support with God overlooking us both.

My prayer to God was, - God let me love him and let him love me, God let me have patience for him and let him have patience for me too, God help me to understand him and help him to understand me... God let me be responsive to him and let him be responsive to me too, God guide us, forgive us, make things easy for us, God protect us...

my heart is crying out tears of joy... i know not what tomorrow is, i know not what it will bring, but God willing it will brings happiness, God willing it will bring contentment, God willing it will bring success and affirmation each day in our choice to worship God...

I dont want much, i just want you to be true, to be loyal, to love me, to trust me, to support me ( in truth and rightful things only) as i want to be the same for you as well, I want you to worship with me, for us to praise God together...

sometimes i think - dear God i am asking for too much, i am asking for the unaskable, someome that loves thee eeply and someone that loves me too.. sometimes i think that it can never happen, sometimes i think that i am asking for a fantasy...

but i trust in my God, and i asked, i have begged and i have cried... and My God has given unto me .. i will open both my hands out wide and recieve that which the good lord has given me. for adetutu knows that which the good Lord does provide is the best for her.. surely she knows that is true....

tonight as i write to you to tell you how i feel.. i ask God also to support us, to assist us, to provide for us.. to strenghten our faith and to guide us in His path..

God knows what we dont know, He sees what we dont see, He understands that which we dont...

remember God is Razzaqul, Zul-Quwwat -il -Matinu.........

oh an di forgot to say... Guess what.....

birds are calling or are they?

This morning, Most Gracious, i woke up early thinking that i would catch the birds as they start to sing,.
I thought it was to early for prayer, and i kep on waiting hoping to listen to the birds as they call out..

It started to drag on a bit and i looked at the time and i realised that the time i heard the birds yesterday had passed, - i woke up to the sound, i was still half asleep

i was a bit disappointed but i went on to say my prayers anyways.

After when i sat to read the Quran ... i heard it.. the cry of the birds, it was louder than usual and i think it was a different bird...

yesterday i thought the bird was speaking to me, but i could not understand its song... i thought it was saying - fatima get up!! get up - time for prayer - Dont sleep, Get up..

and i wanted to hear that too today..lol

but i heard it today and i am grateful....

what a beautiful song the birds sing, when it is dawn, what a beautiful cry it is..
i am reminded of the wonders my Lord has provided us - some people canno hear this song, but i do, so Most Gracious - Be Thou Glorified.

You shall glorify the name of your Lord The Great - ........

even if you have guessed it.... just thank god

even if you know where it is... i went there by myself( God was with me obviously)

i am ok but i am scarred still

I have been and gone and now i am back...
Mg thank you very much,
in all too man highs and lows, it was an emotional rollercoaster..
some interesting conversations that made me reflect on my life and see how blessed i am by God.. yes Most Gracious i am very grateful for all your kind mercy.

and i had a surprise waiting for myself as well... it was peaceful, it was right it felt nice and i said yes.. -

MG many a times i came to you and i asked of you one thing, that only you know, I asked knowing that only you will provide this thing for me. only with your approval can it be, and only with your blessing can it materialise..

I held my hands opened as i recieved this from you, I am thankful and grateful...
i ask nothing in return but love, trust, devotion to thee, patience and understanding....
Money holds no great delight for me, gold and silver does not count high on my list..

What i ask is what you o lord can assure, what you o Lord can only provide.

I have been told that i will be given this gw and i have given myself willingly...
Of this there is no going back,
I gave myself with your blessings Lord, seeking your support and your assistance..
Most Gracious, so it is set....
I am firm this is from thee, my own, not any others but mine,

I am his as he is mine, i shall love him as he will love me,
i shall trust him as he will trust me
I shall be patient with him as he will be patient with me
I shall endeavour to understand him as he will endeavour to understand me
with you Dear Lord as overseer, as guardian as our support.

Most Gracious, I am back in town

why am i scared...

As i sit here, taking apause from organising the house, packing my suitcase, i just realised that i am scared.....

God i am actually scared.... its one week, one full week, wow!!!

i am getting slightly overwhelmed at the thought of it and i think it is the nerves...

but God why should i be scared.. i have asked and you have given me, I asked for a break a holiday, time away from work, time away from the UK, and you have provided,, so what is there for me to fear....

see how my insecurities want to play with my mind... God never, by your grace and will never..

I wont be scared.. i will stop this mood... it just cannot be..

i may let my mind wonder to some worries, wonder to some crazy situations, but i should be excited, and i am excited, its just something that different i guess...

Dear God, keep me safe, guide me, protect me... Let me have a lovely wonderfull time, let me come back refreshed, filled with vigour, let me not forget my priorities whn i get there, but let your praise and devotion be in my mind all the time, let me be able to do that which i must do, my gratitude and my thanks for thee,

so madam tutu, no scary scary any longer, just be grateful and be glad the good lord has provided for you, everyhting gw will be fine and dandy, lovely and wonderful, peaceful and just lovely, sweet and cheerful, he he he