MG i dont want to complain, but i want to moan..
i cant complain, and really in all honesty i cannot even moan, because in all fairness, you are more than good to me.. and what is this one difficulty if it is not but a test of strenght and my resolve..
for a long time in my life, i take others choices, i do what people want me to do, i dont do what i want to do... i do things because i dont want to upset people, iw ant people to like me, i want to be their friend... i want them to be my friend, i put myself in situations that i know i should not be in....
now i have a stake in what i want to do and they dont want me to do it..
first you brought me into the rift btw you made me forgoe what i wanted and made me involved... the person that was right to defend you refused to get involved, he left you alone, i feel you burdened me with the grief and pain... that which i was not able to deal with....
then it was my birthday - you wanted to do what you wanted - my plan was to spend the day in prayer, the night before in prayer to my God, i wanted isolation i wanted peace - but you wont hear anything of that, you just wanted to celebrate the day for me - even though i said i didnt want to... you absolved me of any cooking saying you would do the whole thing - but in reality i didnt want to share my day wth anyone other than my God, i wanted to dedicate the day in prayer to God..
now this - you are saying its is your day, it is not you day it is a day i will have dedicated to my God... is is not about you or your choices in life but about me, us, our choices, our struggles in life...
MG i am not a strong person, in any way at all, infact i am rather weak of mind, but i try to stay true to my heart and knowing that you will gw guide me and inspire me, i try to remain as much as i can true to you...
it is giving me stress and i dont like stress, i dont like hassle, i dont like worries... i fear i will run away and hide myself, becasue of all this grief..
for me it is grief, gried because, you want to hijack my day...
it is not particularly important for me that either one are there.
you have given consent - that is enough for me,
your choice in religion is not my choice, and how you worship is not how i worship. not that, that makes any difference to me, it does not, that is between you and your God as is mine btw me and my God..
there is only one God - so how it plays out only God knows.
i do not want to be in a position that i chooose one over another, to attend the day, if i cannot have them together doing as i would like to do it then i would rather not involve them in it..
this day is a day i want to dedicate to my God, it is a date that i have not been fussed on choosing, i have left it to God and a date has been picked...
left to me, there would only be three, tops 5 present - God, us, officiator and witness. and thats all..
i dont know how i want to explain that is is a day dedicated to God, it is a day i want to be full of praise and prayers, reflection and thought, a day to thank and praise the good lord for all his blessings in my life, to renew convenants with my God, to be close to God...
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you say i am a fundamentalist - as i have different views from main stream islam - guaranteed if that is the label for me, then fair enuff - but i know how i want to have my day and it is a dream of mine... if i have it anyother way i wont be able to contend with it .....
many a times, in blind trust that you knew what was right , you made me do things i knew i didnt want to do, go places i didnt want to go, take things i didnt want to take... all because you were elder, but i knew and i didnt have a choice but to listen - but i did have a choice and i refused to listen to my heart and followed you instead....
now just because you want to have your way - you want me to hold off our plans...
did you wait with me, when my heart was torn out of me body... did you hold off your plans to wait with me... ?/????? you left becuse you had plans for yourself you left when you had to leave.. i was distraught, i was as low as i have never been low, part of it was you involving me in things that i was not meant to be involved in..... part of it was your imaginations and saying this, saying that....
i was not given anyone else but you, and i cherish you dearly, however as much as i love you, i have to follow my path and make my decisions, the time for me doing things your way is long gone, because ihave my mind and i pray to God for guidance and Gods guidance and direction is the only thing i need in my life....
i see you and i see your mistakes, i dont want to make the same kind of mistake, i dont want the same kind of life, i dont want games, i dont want emotional blackmail, i dont want mistrust, i dont want lies, and hypocrisy.. i dont want that
Mg these are the things i am running from, i dont want any of it...
i want truth, i want honesty, i want trust, i want peace and security in God,
MG that is my rant over for now.... as ever i am grateful for the opportunity to allow me to let this off my chest, I am grateful dear lord for all your blessings and all your mercies in life and i pray for your guidance and direction, protection and support, forgiveness, mercy, assistance and help daily and always, in this life and in the next.
God guide me in this my choice, you know what is best for me, you know my present.. I leave this matter in your hands an gw the best solution will happen.
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