Uncertainty

There is so much upheaval at work.. I am looking my manager.. god regardless of what is occurring...keep me safe and keep me secure. Help me thrive and help me to be successful.
I don't like change too much I like my familiarity but regardless of this o Lord help me to be successful  and help me to be progressive and help me not to suffer.

Can i go lord...

So many things are weighing on my mind and I have to let some off.
All my life I have lived with her I have never lived alone but now I have to contend that I want to move off and form my own family without her. My brothers have resigned -I think -that cos I live with her she is my responsibility   and I know my obligations and I try, but I now have to consider  me and my children  and set off. I feel bad because now it's when she is older and I worry how she would cope.
This is my mum who all my life our relationship has been testy.
She never let me get close to her always belittled me and uses me -I feel -as her doormat  whilst  catering and pandering to her male children.
This is her that beat the shit off me as a child  and poured pepper in my vagina. This is her that I only  had to be around a boy for her to accuse me of  sleeping with them..
It did not help that we grew up in a polygamous home. And she was did not like me playing with my step siblings but she didn't have- I don't think- time for me and as I was daddy's  girl that was a strain for her. She would accuse me of trying to kill her poison her, conniving against her with my step mum.. and when I rationalise all this now I was just a lost kid looking for love and affection and I graduated to wherever I could get it. Maybe my step mum was using me as a pawn I don't know but I just wanted love. This feeling to me up.to adult hood and most of all my disasterous  decisions was because I just wanted someone to love me.. I lacked love.  I wanted someone to like me for me. She always warned me off friends did  not want me to have friends. How tough is that on a young kid.
So my relationship with my mum has never been smooth sailing.
I feel as I am abandoning her in old age..now when  she needs someone the most. She has been there for my children.. She stayed one full year to help me with my firstborn and I thank her for that.
I can say hand on my heart that it will be emotional for me because  she is the only  constant thing in my life  even with the tempestuous relationship  we have but I am failing in a commandment to god and I just want to be away from her. I don't want my children to be around some behaviours which I don't like and I don't want to show them bad behaviours also.
God u have known me and have joined  me to her. Now I want freedom to go and set my own family  without her. In a way it will be a relief and in a way it won't be. This is my crossroad god. On one hand I can be selfish and say I am not her only child. I can fall back and use her past behaviour  to fuel my departure.  I can say she has 5 other living children and she has a choice in who she wants to stay with. All my elders are established she may not be on good terms  with them but she can stay with her golden goose (my immediate brother) but that is not what I want to be. I want to walk in light with god. But I think that for me to be me and keep my relationship with God i have to be away from her as I am growing to resent her day by day. I have cut myself  from  her and i don't require much from her. I don't get  involved  in  her business and I limit my interactions with her.. When I think back on my life at all the milestones I faced with growing up she refused to be there for me. And  I feel she preferred others over me. But I acknowledge that because I have been with her I have her tendencies  which I try to be alive to and change when I see it forming.
I try to be open with my children  and tell them daily I love them. I don't reign curses in them but offer blessings on them. I digress.
This is my demon......she is a test for me.. god.
You are the one that has created me and u know me. You know how I was as a childhood  and the sufferings I have faced. You know how I have been taken advantage of by  people  and what an easy prey I was. I lacked confidence and was and still am today a very trusting person..you know how my naivness has been abused and how i have been walking aimless in life till i knew you..you know how  i have been used and manipulated.
U know the beatings and torture my mum had plied on me due to her vengeance and jealousy.
Regardless  I want to try to do the best thing.
We both share mutual benefit  by living together  but I want my own home for my own children and I want to be away from her.
Currently we r in a three bedroom but she allows me use of one bedroom for me and my children.  There is a spare room but she says that's hers her prayer room. But we use it as a store she does not like this. She says I am taking all the space . We r 4. We share one bathroom. There is a living room and a kitchen another than the communal areas I live  in one room with my children. This is not how I want to live  god. I too dream of my own house with stairs and garden. I do not want to live like this nor do I want my kids to live like this.
I want out  and I come to you Lord to lay my case. Through growing up I used to envy my step siblings  a lot because I asked why didn't I have a mother like theirs. But all I have ever known is her. My bad habits are hers I can see it..bit i am not wholly  blaming her I understand  certain conditions make people behave in certain ways but god please help me to leave and set up my own.
I know I am worrying how will she live  herself but I have to be selfish and consider my own and my children.  So I ask permission of you god to help me to leave this place and set up with my own to try to make it better for them. I will not have any support but I have you and you will make it right. I am at that stage that if we continue as we are, I will break the little thread that is left in honour they parents. I am sure I have already broken that bond but I pray that god u understand my plight. I am not job and I cannot withstand or persevere without reacting. She herself has shown me that we react in a flash I have been at the receiving end of that much much much.  The beatings, the emotional blackmail are torturous enough in itself.
So my Lord a little is lifted of my shoulders  with tonight's outburst.
I pray that you don't let me be her for my children I pray that I am better for my kids  and I pray I do better for them also.
What can I recount lord. The run from pillar to post from one "ile ologun"to another.  The baff baff with special soap the conditions whatnots.....alll the tribal markings cut and incisions gbere on my body.. All her accusations most of which were unfounded.. the beatings....apayan beatings that i suffered because i spoke to my stepmum or i played with my step siblings or i refused to take sides btw her and my dad and their quarrel.  The curses upon curse she has reigned in me in my life because of her deluded thoughts or irrational fear...I will not say I was a rosey child. I developed a bad habit of stealing money to buy  sweets  so people would be my friend. That has been my only fault as a child.  That on reflection  is because I didn't have any friends and I so desperately wanted people to like me I would try to entice them with sweets and biscuits.  I craved attention badly. But it is what it is.
I just want to be better for my kids and I want better for them.
I ask myself she cannot surely  be happy for me to be living like this can she?? She should want to see me progress should she not?? I don't know Lord and I don't want to have ill accord or think things I should not be thinking. I can say she is this ..that ...that ...and that and I have justification for it but where has god said we children should point out the wrongs of our parent. I leave it with you lord. I ask for it help. I know now what tomorrow holds so I ask that mine is better and mine is good.

Yearning

My heart is longing for this opportunity I don't know how to say Lord. Please help us to make it work. My heart is waiting for this o Lord please  make it work.
Help us to gain this.. let it be for us
In security and firm footed, let it be for us with your blessings  and approval. Help us to stay to you and for you.
I don't know how to say how my heart is feeling  so I am asking of thee o Lord that has brought us this close this near please let it be accepted.

dreams

i want to dream but i dont want my dream to cut short i just want to progress and start but i have to hold myself back.. not that i doubt my lords blessings but that i  dont want to rush myself.. but please forgive me lord if i do start dreaming

thank You God for everything

all i want to say is
BABA ESE O BABA ESE O BABA EMI DUPE BABA

 all i want to say is

 baba ese o baba ese o baba emi ma dupe baba.

oluwa to ba mi se
Oba ti o ba mi se o
ohun to ja mi laya 
oba mi ba mi se

 what can i say but to say thank you with all my heart.. now the fear of uncertainty sets in but i advance with my trust in the most gracious Lord.. i advance with my God and i start with In the name of God

lonely...

most things for me are achieved when i keep them to myself and not sharing with others.
 it does make for lonely living..
 i am a loner by birth and by circumstance and upbringing.. i should just accept that.
 but i dont want for my children to be loners.. i want them to be their own person but also enjoy social interaction and not shy away from it..

still hunting

so dear Lord as you know, the hunt continues,  but you have shown us another path  and on that path we ask of thee to make our dream on  being accepted a reality.
 i long to start searching for cutlery, for appliances for furniture..
 helpme lord.. i saw one and two i liked it but i start to dream and i am forcing myself not to dream because i have had my dreams cut short before.. please God help  is  help us. i long for my own with my own where i can me my  self with my own,, everything after all is with your approval  so i ask of  of thee

the words to this hymn rings evermore true for me.. omJai jadish hare

Oh Lord of the whole Universe

Mighty Lord of the whole Universe

The agonies of devotees

The sorrows of devotees

In an instant, thou removest

Oh Lord of the whole Universe

He who's immersed in devotion

His mind's sadness ceases

Lord, his mind's sadness ceases

Joy, prosperity enter the home

Joy, prosperity enter the home

A body free of problems

Oh Lord of the whole Universe

Thou art my Mother and Father

Whom should I take refuge with

Lord, whom should I take refuge with

Without thee, there is no other

Without thee, there is no other

For whom I would wish

Oh Lord of the whole Universe

Thou art the ancient great soul,

Thou art the omnipotent master

Lord, thou art the omnipotent master

Perfect, Absolute, Supreme God

Perfect, Absolute, Supreme God

Thou art the Lord of everything and everyone,

Oh Lord of the whole Universe

Thou art an ocean of mercy

Thou art the protector

Lord, thou art the protector

I am a simpleton with vain desires,

I am a servant and thou art the Lord

Oh Lord,Grant me thy divine grace

Oh Lord of the Universe

You are the one unseen

Of all living beings

The Lord of all living beings

Grant me a glimpse

Grant me a glimpse

Guide me along the path to thee,

Oh Lord of the Universe

Friend of the helpless and feeble

Benevolent saviour of all

Lord, benevolent saviour of all

Lift up your hand

Offer me thy refuge

At thy feet

Oh Lord of the Universe

Removing faults of the mind(like ego,greed,selfishness etc.)

Defeating evil,Supreme Soul,

Lord, defeating evil

With all my Faith and devotion

Oh Lord,With all my faith and devotion

In Eternal Service Unto Thee,

Oh Mighty Lord of the whole Universe

Oh Lord of the whole Universe

Mighty Lord of the whole Universe

The agonies of devotees

The sorrows of devotees

Thou instantly removest

Oh Lord of the whole Universe

toilet nut

right now its a thank you.. thank you..  as simple as it is thank you.. i was trying for about 2-3 days to remove this safety nut and i just but went away and it  dropped off to the floor by itself.. this is nothing short of a miracle..
 i can try and apply logic to it but that itisself will not dilute my thanks to you God..
 possibly it is a lesson maybe  but thank you all the same.

Honouring..

And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.(23)And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small."(24)

This is a rough translation that best explains my theme for tonight. 
long a time that i have wanted to  say to you lord and to offload my 
issue on this matter

 as best as i can say this is that i am failing.. and before i fall i come to God the most 
gracious Lord to save me..

 i have a couple of questions

 how can one maintain this - when that parent is  testing ones endurance  and resolve

 how can you maintain patience and best behavior when that parent has not shown you patience
 or best behavior.

how can you be better when you have been treated worse?

 i am failing this commandant lord i know that so i am coming to you to ask of you to 
PLEASE keep me away from this sin and keep me apart from this temptation  that is leading me 
to commit this sin

Free me of this bondage and help me to progress free.

 as the more i am here i fear i will descend and fall deep and deep  with this error.

 it is time for me to break free because i cannot be where i know you will sin.

 as i have always said to you, if there is something that  will make me sin once i acknowledge it 
help me be free of  it.

 if that thing is my mother and the  relationship i have with her then i am ready to forsake it,,  

 there are a couple of testy issues btw us and  i acknowledge that she is my mother, i may not like 
her way and i will not support  her in what i consider to be wrong but  i am  on the verge of trading
 insults 

and i will like to avoid this in all entirety.

 there os more to this and i am not sure how i can put this to words but for now lord.. i beg of thee and i 
implore thee my God to help me break free of this sin and help me to go with my family and give me
 the home that i have asked of thee.

 help me please.

 i have called on thee a secret call and a out there call to ask for a home from thee .. my home.. 
our home a home where the most gracious is  the only lord.. a home where we can be safe, a home 
that is dedicated to the most gracious and where his worship reigns. a home for my children and a
 sanctuary for our family.

that home that i have loved.. 

you and only you lord knows what is in my heart... i cannot lie to you and i cannot avoid even my 
own failings.. in everything o lord i come to you and i have tried to stay true to you and you only.. 
in the face of loneliness and social reclusim i still stay true to you oh lord  so i come to you.. 
this is a big  failing of mine and i fear i will fail if i have not already failed...

 so God let this not be a test for me for if it is i have already failed it..

 but my lord is full of  forgiveness and mercy so i implore him for his mercy to please help me..

 it is  me i am asking for help me and set me free..

God that set noah to his land, that set abraham apart from his family to set up on his own, that set up
 joseph  apart from his own.. That God who has incepted me and decreed my destiny that God 
is the most gracious that i trust  that i know, that i thank for bringing me this far that God i am asking 
of now to give us our house and set us free that we may like as one family to worship him.

 blessed be the name of God my Lord  for ever and ever

Rabbi anni Maghlubun fantasir

Who can i lament to.. Who should i complain to..to whom.can relay my despair.

We are trying to buy a house we want to live together but there is a game being played by sellers and i am not a.fan of game playing.

I appreciate they are trying to get more money for their.buck but we need a forever home. We are not game players we just want somewhere to live as a family. you have said the house is worth a certain amount so accept that amount.. you are already making a profit so why be greedy?
 i dont expect them to consider our situation i dont expect them to have pity on my children but have fear of God and remember for the future...

Everything is for a reason and meets with Gods approval and plan. And my god that has got me this far that has allowed me to achieve this much whence i never expected or could imagine.. that god who i have called on and still call on.. that one that i lay my hopes.on.......God.will make it.come.true by his Grace....

I dont have parents that have left me anything concrete nor.do i lay my sights on whatever they have achieved but i want to be able to leave for my two something tangible made.from graft and hard work...something truthful and good for their future.

 a house for us for our small family.. a house where  God alone is worship.. a house of peace and love for my children..

House wish list front receiving area before entering main hallway..  downstairs toilet.. and upstairs family bathroom.4 bedroom. Large lounge and dining area leading to garden. Cloakroom downstairs Large kitchen with utility room.. wide big flat garden (with a tree). Stairs leading to upstairs ideally family bathroom at top of stairs.. ensuite master bedroom( optional).. onstreet parking if not own driveway.. small front garden also. End terrace or semi detatched or standalone house. Straight windows that can take venetian blinds. Tall radiator in bathroom standalone toilet with family seat..wonderful storage cupboards in kitchen and bathroom.  I would want chest freezer and standing fridgefreezer unit in kitchen. Gas central heating. Preferably gas cooker and electric double oven....

I have asked.. my boy has asked.. and i ask of thee again o.lord. the first one.i wanted didn't happen.. the second one is now unravelling away into oblivion...so as with everything oh lord.. thy will be done in my life and may i forever live to praise thee.

 i lack patience for this o lord but as ever i live in hope of your mercy because i have tasted of your mercy so i know it to be true. help us to be successful in this endeavour..
you  are at the forefront of our plan and by your grace you will guide us through it.

hunting..

i went to see another house yesterday it was just wonderful.. i loved it and i am afraid i have started to dream about it just like the first one i fell in love with and we didn't get.. this time lord i leave everything with you and i ask  for your help..
 people say whats for you will be for you and i accept that with gods help he CAN make things for you and make it right for you..
 so i guess i am asking let my wish be your will o lord..  am not sure which order is best let your will be my  wish.. as you are the one that inspires then it is equal in all tings..
 help  us please, we don't have much but we want a start  to secure for our  children..
  on a good note on going there the song  playing was glorious God by nathaniel bassey and on leaving i saw a rainbow and i prayed to God and asked him just like we are told the floods ravaged earth in the time of noah and the rainbow is a sign of  the stop of the rain.. i have read in the Quran  noahs ark  set foot on a location so i prayed of yesterday God let this be a  sign of a blessing home/location for me and my family and like noah bless it for us and help us to secure it and help us with it,,

Blessed is the name of God in any language or race,,

This is going on my mp3 list...

 so simple yet potent

O paalanhaare, nirgun aur nyaare - 2 

Oh nurturant Lord, beyond description and beyond all

Tumre bin hamra kaunon naahin 

Without you, we have no one

Humri uljhan suljhaao bhagwan 

Ease our difficulties, oh God

Tumre bin hamra kaunon naahin 

Without you, we have no one

Tumhe humka ho sambhaale 

You are our only supporter

Tumhe hamre rakhwaale 

You are our only protector

Tumre bin hamra kaunon naahin 

Without you, we have no one

--CHORUS-- 
Tumre bin hamra kaunon naahin 

Without you, we have no one

--FEMALE-- 
Tumre bin hamra kaunon naahin 

Without you, we have no one

Chanda mein tumhe to bhare ho chaandni 

It is you who has filled the moon with moonlight

Sooraj mein ujaala tumhe se 

The sun's brightness is from you

Yeh gagan hai magan, tumhe to diye ho isse taare 

The sky is content, you have given stars to it

Bhagwan, yeh jeevan tumhe na sanwaaroge 

God, if you don't adorn this life

To kya koi sanwaare 

Then who will adorn it?

O paalanhaare, nirgun aur nyaare 

Oh nurturant Lord, beyond description and beyond all

Tumre bin hamra kaunon naahin - 2 

Without you, we have no one

--MALE-- 
Jo suno to kahe Prabhuji hamri hai binti 

If you will listen, Lord, I will make a plea

Dukhi jan ko dheeraj do 

Give patience to sorrowful people

Haare nahin voh kabhi dukh se 

So that they will never give in to the sorrow

Tum nirbal ko raksha do 

Provide the powerless with protection

Reh paaye nirbal sukh se 

So that the powerless can remain happy

Bhakti ko shakti do 

Provide your disciples with strength

--CHORUS-- 
Bhakti ko shakti do 

Provide your disciples with strength

--MALE-- 
Jag ke jo swami ho, itni to araj suno 

Since you are the world's master, please hear this plea

Hai path mein andhiyaare 

There is darkness in our path

Dedo vardaan mein ujiyaare 

Provide us with blessed light

--CHORUS-- 
(O paalanhaare, nirgun aur nyaare 

Oh nurturant Lord, beyond description and beyond all

Tumre bin hamra kaunon naahin 

Without you, we have no one

Humri uljhan suljhaao bhagwan 

Ease our difficulties, oh God

Tumre bin hamra kaunon naahin) - 3 

Without you, we have no one

http://www.myhindilyrics.com/translation-Lagaan/O-Paalanhaare.html

anxiety

 i am up again with the anxieties of work not letting me go back to sleep.
 this week, i have in effect 16 hours to work.. and next week its 20 hours.. ho wi  will find the time to do this work is something else.
 i doubt i will be able to manage new claims and i have diaries i have to attend to..
 i dont know what to do.
 i  am slightly anxious as i know i get given allocation more and whenever i am off they pretend like they dont know and allocate me work when ordinarily  i should not get the work.
 the pretend to  forget.
 i didnt go for overtime this weekend ether because of the time i had and o could not commit to the  backwork of post that cones with overtime.

i ask of a healing Lord on behalf of my heart..

My Lord the boy is suffering again with some skin issue and i  dont know what to do..
 he seems susceptible o these things and i am not sure how to help him..
 not that i can help him but the doctors say that  it can take up to 12 weeks and we are just sitting on 6 weeks now.. it has just ravaged his whole trunk that i dont know if  there is a come back from this.
 i try to console myself with the story of Job who  we are told suffered ailments and sores and the  Quran does mention him and his prayer - anii masaniya dhuru, anta arham rahimin..
 the best of prayers  is that which one utters for themselves but i am not even sure the prayer of a mother for her child carrys  weight.
 but i will try  because if he suffers then i too am suffering..
i am his mother and i want to see him well, i dont want to see him  the way he is - he looks like an eyesore.. i dont know what  to do to help him so i beg of the most gracious.
 we dont know if it is viral or fungal.. we think its the viral one... the doctors  think so too and say there is no treatment because he does not show any sign of distress. they say it will go by itself

 he is starting a new phase in his life and to have this in this crazy world where he will be looked at and pointed at bothers me and makes me feel bad for him.
 i am asking of thee lord to help him  please if not for him then on my behalf as his mother asking that you please care for my son.. that is him you have given me and it is him that i have dedicated to you.
 it is him with this little voice that remembers alhamdulilahi rabil alamin.. it is him that shouts with glee  - thank you God for everything.
 it is him o lord of ,mine please help me help him help us..