Darkness

My darkness falls on me yet again in lord. I seek refuge with thee.
Today my thoughts  were consumed by me the fact  that I am a bad mum and i think  i am a bad mum because I had a bad mum. But I love my kids i love them and i want the best for them.  And I ask am I the best for them. I want them to be better than me to do better  say better  and live better. But am I the right person to lay the right example for them. Ultimately  my lord your aim and the Destiny  you have for them will shape them this much i believe.
I think i understand now the cycle of misfortune. It breeds more misfortune. How do you break free..
I am searching on thee oh lord..as ever you are my help

Thank god

What else can I say other than thank you god for everything. What else can I say but to thank you Lord for everything.

On Thursday at work a lady said out loud that I was doing Ramadan.  This was in a room of 4.I never discussed with her before. The only person I had  said to was my manager of then by email and i had asked it be kept private. Now again she is stating it out in email for a team lunch.. What is wrong with people at work and why can't they understand that I don't like my business out there. I sent her an email back.  If I wanted the team to be aware I would have  said.
God help me in this place. Help me to leave and create a good and profitable exit for me. I do not like the place anylonger and I do not feel I am happy there again. Maybe it will pass but you never know.but I want to leave lord and find something else.please create an exit for me and let your light shine

Thank you God

This evening lord thank you . You honour me by allowing the boy to wake himself seeking the toilet. Thank You thank you

Itchy

I am crying to thee dear Lord. I am frail with no strength  and lack of sleep.  This year's Ramadan  is rough. And now I am itching all over.  Hives.  Please let it stop. Please let it not afflict me. Please dear  lots give me relief please.

Dear lord

.Be thou glorified lord.
If this is the path to getting us a house then lord please let it not be too stressful for me. Please  let it be speedy  and meet with your approval. I as ever rely on your mercy and benevolence.

Suntimes

Today is the longest  day in year. I checked Greenland and it's all sun. No sunset.  How does this  then compare for the prayers. Do people live in Greenland and the converse for the other side of equator. All the scriptures that  I have read talk of day and night. Hmmmm

SUSTENANCE

Dear Lord. Thank you for today for sustaining me. I did not believe and i doubted it could be done. But lo! and behold you made it such that it happened. I didn't feel it as yesterday. It was just ok. Thank you..

uncertainty

dear lord,  i come again with more of my  issues.
 i just learned that my manager is leaving.
 this news fills me with uncertain feelings
  i pray that i get my old manager back the one i feel that understands me and someone i can look up to and be inspired by.
 i need your help lord in this.
 i need to be motivated and inspired again and help me to progress  to learn and be nurtured.
 please lord, this  job  at this stage is leaving a bad taste in my mouth however much i feel and know i have invested in them  but i believe any job is a god send and it ought to be done right and given your best and i do so.
 i take pride in my job, i love it because it affords me  contentment in life for  all my obligations but at the same time i want to progress and move on.
 dear lord my uncertain feelings are placed before thee to ask your your direction and help as usual and as always.
 your name be praised and glorified  now and forever
 please Lord, i need your help and blessings for my Job.. please Lord

RAFIU' DARAJATI DZUL ARSHI - ARRAHMAN ANTA WAHID-UL QAHAAR..

POSESSOR OF THE HIGHEST RANKS AND RULER OF THE WHOLE DOMINION - .THE MOST GRACIOUS, HE IS THE THE ONE,THE SUPREME.

Blessed is the name of God , my Lord in whose hands i am delivered.
 i seek his mercies and blessings  in my life and that of my children.
 i come to him empty handed yet expect t leave which a truckload of his blessings and favours.
 The most Gracious is my Lord and on his mercy i survive
 He is the Lord who looks after me and provides for me.
 He helps me in many ways that i see and many ways i dont but know and feel
 He is a miracle working God.
which  of the many favours  in my life can i count from thee oh lord.
which should i count..my Lord..
the Most Gracious is my Lord and there is none other.
 I am here before thee looking for ways to reach you my Lord.
 Hoping that i can reach you as i did before before  life and its trappings came in the way.
 i need your grace Lord in my life as ever before to guide me and my children to thee,
 I seek thy  mercy and bounties in this life and for the hereafter.

 My darkness  is looming yet again and i try to keep it at bay, I am not succeeding much i fear but with they grace i can overcome.

  i feel tired and weary but i need  strength from thee to help me achieve and surpass my goals
i want to succeed lord in all aspects of my life i need they grace.
 My God who has seen me right from start, who has nurtured me and saved me from  many a folly and distress. you God that has always brought me back to you  despite the many times that i have ignored you.
I beg and plead on your generous nature not to ignore me but to hear me and answer me  speedily.
 i am impatient lord, i  beg your indulgence.
 who else can i turn to if not the provider of all things, the Creator  - You who is my God.
 where else can i go?
My Lord please help me.

Worship supplication

Most High is God, the true King. There is no God but He. The Almighty Most Wise.

Praise be to the Lord of the Universe, i submit to God the lord of Abraham.He is the one God and there is no other God but He, the Knower of all secrets and declarations. He is the Most Gracious and the Most Merciful.

Fata ala llahu Malikul Haqqu La ilaha illa lahu Al Azzizu – l - Hakim.

Alhamdulilahi rabbil a’lamin. Aslamtu lilahi rabbil ibrahim.Huwa llahu ahad, la ilaha illa huwa, Alimu gaybi wa shahadati. Wa Huwa ARahman ARahim

2 – My God you are God. There is no other God but You. You are the King, The Most Sacred, the Peace, You are the Most Faithful and the Supreme. You are the Almighty and the Most Powerful. You are The Most dignified. Be you Glorified My Lord,  far above having any partners.

Allahuma anta allahu. La illaha illa huwa. Al Mulku, al Qudussu, Asalam, alMuminu, Al Muhayminu, Al azziz, Al jabbar Almutakabir.  Subhanaka llahuma ama yashrikun.

3 –My God  you  are one the absolute God. The Creator, the initiator and the designer. To you belong the most beautiful names and glorifying you is everything in the heavens and the earth. Blessed are you O Lord for You are the Almighty, the Most Wise

Allahuma anta wahid.Allahu Samad. Al-Khaliqu-l-Bariyu-l-musawiru. Llahu asmau-l-husna.Yusabihu ma fi samawati wa ma fil ardhi. Tabaraka Llahu, Anta Azzizu Hakim.

3 - Praise be to God, Lord of the Universe. Glorifying you is everything in the heavens and earth. You are the Almighty, the Most Wise. To God belongs the Kingship of the heavens and the earth and everything inbetween He controls Life and death and He is the Omnipotent. He is  the Alpha and Omega. You are the Outermost and the Innermost. Blessed are you O Lord for you are fully aware of all things.

Alhamdulilahi rabil alamin. Yusabihu mafi samawati wal ardhi  Wa  anta Azzizu Hakim. Lahu-l-Mulku samawati wal ardhi wa ma baynaahuma.. Yuhyi wa yumitu  wa huwa ala kulli shayin Kadir. Huwa Awalu wal akhiru, wa zahiru wa-l-batinu. Tabaraka llahu wa huwa ala kulli shayin Alim.

4 – Praise be to God My Lord the one who created the heaven and earth in six days, then assumed all authority. You know everything that enters into the earth and everything that comes out from it. You know everything that comes down from the sky and everything that climbs into it. You are with us wherever we may be. Blessed are you O Lord you are the seer of everything we do.

Alhamdulilahi  anta rabbi lazi khalaqa samawati wal ardhi fi sitatin ayamin thumastawa ala-l-arshi. Yalamu ma yaliju fil ardhi wa ma yakhruju minha. Wama yanzilu mina samai wa ma yaa’ruju fiha wa huwa ma a kum aynama kuntu. Tabaraka Llahu  wa huwa alimu bi zati suduri.

5 -You O Lord are God -there is no other god besides Thee, You are the Living, the Eternal. Never a moment of unawareness or slumber can overtake Thee. To You belongs everything in the heavens and everything on earth. No one can intercede with Thee, except in accordance with Thy will. No one attains any knowledge, except as you will. Your dominion encompasses all the heavens and the earth, and ruling them never burdens thee in the slightest. Blessed are you O Lord, the Most High, the Great.

Allahuma anta allahu – la ilaha illa huwa Al Hayyu al Qayumu. La ta khuzuhu sinatu wa la nawm, llahu ma fi samawati wa ma fil ardhi. Maaza ladzi yashfau’ indahu illa bi idzni, ya’lam ma bayna aydihim wa ma khalfau. Wa la yuituna bishayin min ilmihi illa bi man shaa’, wasiya Qursiyu samawati wal ardha. Wa  la yahuduhu ifzuhuma .Tabaraka llahu wa huwa Aliyu – Azeem.

6 – My God you are God the possessor of all sovereignty. You grant sovereignty to whomever You choose, You remove sovereignty from whomever You choose. You grant dignity to whomever You choose, and commit to humiliation whomever You choose. In Your hand are all provisions.  glory be to God He is the Omnipotent.

Allahuma anta allahu, Al Malikal Mulku. Tutti mulka man tashau, Wa tanziu’ mukla mimn tashau’ wa tui’zu man tashau wa tudzilu man tashau’ bi yadikal– khayru . Subhannallahi wa huwa bi kulli shayin alim.

- You O Lord, merge the night into the day, and merge the day into the night. You produce the living from the dead, and produce the dead from the living, and You provide for whomever You will without limits. Blessed are you My god, you are The Best Provider.

tuliju layla fi nahari wa tuliju nahara fi layli. Wa tukhriju-l haya minal mayyiti wa tukhriju-l mayyiti minal haya. Ta tarzuku man tashau; bi ghayri hisabi.Rabaraka llahuma anta Khayru razzikin

8 - You O Lord are the One who created the heaven and the earth truthfully.Whenever you say Be, it is. Your word is the absolute truth. All sovereignity belongs to you the day the horn is blown. You are the knower of all secrets and declarations. Blesses are thou O lord, you are the omniscient, the wise.

Alhamdu lilahi rabbil Alamin. Allahu khalaqa samawati wal ardha bil Haqqi. Wa yawma yakulu Kun faya Kun. Qaolukul ?Haqqu, wa llahu Mulku, yawma yunfaku fi soori,alimul ghaybi wa shahadati. Tabaraka allahu anta A’limu hakim

9 - You O Lord, You bestow knowledge, and understanding. You are the Provider, the Posessor of all Power, the Supreme. O favor me with the knowledge, the understanding and the insight that come from you. Blessed are you, O Lord, the gracious giver of knowledge.

O Lord, I approach Thee through remembrance of Thee and I speak thine intercession with thyself. Bestow on me your favour and draw me close to your service. Inspire me O Lord to remember Thee in all things.

I give thanks to you that you are the Lord my God and the God of my fathers forever and ever. Through every generation you have been the rock of our lives, the shield of our salvation.I give you thanks and declare your praise for my life that is committed to you and for my soul that is entrusted to you, For your miracles that are daily with me, and for your wonders and your benefits that are with us at all times, evening, morning and noon. I put my hope in Thee. For all these acts may your name be blessed and exalted always, O our King, forever and ever. Glorifying you is everything in the heavens and the earth. My God, My Salvation. Blessed are you, O Lord, The Most Gracious and to whom it is fitting to give thanks and Praise.

Praise

Blessed is the name of God in whose hands is all kingship and Glory. His name be glorified and praised always.  He is my God of today and tomorrow  and of always. The Most Gracious is my Lord and no one else  compares. Praise be to the Lord of the universe, my God in whose hands I find favour and provisions.He protects me and guides  me.
This is my praise for this  night as I read  what is reported  to be guru nanaks words in which  has been stated
"There is but one God. His name is Truth. He is the creator, He fears none
....
"

My supplication

Arrahman anta khayru rraziqin
Wa lam akun bi duaika rabbi shakiyah.

This translatea for me to be Most Gracious you are the best provider and as i implore you my Lord, i shall not despair.

I supplicate this to my Lord in whose hands is all kingship. The Most Gracious Lord. As i ask for his bounty and provision.. that i may tend for my children and myself. I ask of the Most Gracious his help and support overlooking my transgression and omissions. I ask of the Most Gracious Lord who is my God and the only provider..

This is stemed from the mercy and provision you bestowed upon zacharaya and i seek your indulgence and grace that you bestow on me your favour..

For all praise is yours. All glory kingship and authority. In this life and the hereafter. Be thou glorified my Lord.

the number 487

 yesterday i thought of this and this is my number for what i want to use to praise the almighty..4 - 8 - 7.

my praise

1 – Most High is God, the Possessor of Sovereignity. There is no God but He. The Almighty Most Wise.

Praise be to the Lord of the Universe, the God of Abraham – the monotheist – He is the one God and there is no other God but He, the Knower of all secrets and declarations. He is the Most Gracious and the Most Merciful.

Fata ala llahu Malika-l-Mulki. La ilaha illa lahu Al Azzizu – l - Hakim.

Alhamdulilahi rabbil a’lamin. Llahu Ibrahim, hanifan. Huwa llahu ahad, la ilaha illa huwa, Alimu gaybi wa shahadati. Wa Huwa arhaman arrahim

2 – My God you are God. There is no other God but You. You are the King, The Most Sacred, the Peace, You are the Most Faithful and the Supreme. You are the Almighty and the Most Powerful. You are The Most dignified. Blessed are you, O Lord, and Be you Glorified My Lord,  far above having any partners.

Allahuma anta allahu. La illaha illa huwa. Al Mulku, al Qudussu, Asalam, alMuminu, Al Muhayminu, Al azziz, Al jabbar Almutakabir .Subhanaka llahuma ama yashrikun.

3 –My God  you  are one the absolute God. The Creator, the initiator and the designer. To you belong the most beautiful names and glorifying you is everything in the heavens and the earth. Blessed are you O Lord for You are the Almighty, the Most Wise

Allahuma anta wahid.Allahu Samad. Khaliqu, Bariyu al musawiru. Llahu asmau-l-husna.Yusabihu ma fi samawati wa ma fil ardhi. Tabaraka Llahu, Anta Azzizu Hakim.

4 - Praise be to thee my Lord, Lord of the Universe. Glorifying you is everything in the heavens and earth. You are the Almighty, the Most Wise. To God belongs the Kingship of the heavens and the earth. He controls Life and death and He is the Omnipotent. He is  the Alpha and Omega. You are the Outermost and the Innermost. Blessed are you O Lord for you are fully aware of all things.

Alhamdulilahi rabil alamin. Yusabihu mafi samawati wal ardhi. Wa  anta Azzizu Hakim. Lahu-l-Mulku samawati wal ardi.. Yuhyi wa yumitu  wa huwa ala kulli shayin Kadir. Huwa Awalu wal akhiru, wa zahiru wa-l-batinu. Tabaraka llahu wa huwa ala kulli shayin Alim.

5 – Praise be to God My Lord the one who created the heaven and earth in six days, then assumed all authority. You know everything that enters into the earth and everything that comes out from it. You know everything that comes down from the sky and everything that climbs into it. You are with us wherever we may be. Blessed are you O Lord you are the seer of everything we do.

Alhamdulilahi  anta rabbi lazi khalaqa samawati wal ardhi fi sitatin ayamin thumastawa alal arshi. Yalamu ma yaliju fil ardhi wa ma yakhruju minha. Wama yanzilu mina samai wa ma yaa’ruju fiha wa huwa ma a kum aynama kuntu. Tabaraka Llahu  wa huwa alimu bi zati suduri.

6 -You O Lord are God -there is no other god besides Thee, You are the Living, the Eternal. Never a moment of unawareness or slumber can overtake Thee. To You belongs everything in the heavens and everything on earth. No one can intercede with Thee, except in accordance with Thy will. No one attains any knowledge, except as you will. Your dominion encompasses all the heavens and the earth, and ruling them never burdens thee in the slightest. Blessed are you O Lord, the Most High, the Great.

Allahu anta allahu – la ilaha illa huwa Al Hayyu al Qayumu. La ta khuzuhu sinnatun wa la nawm, llahu ma fi samawati wa ma fil ardhi. Maaza ladzi yashfau’ indahu illa bi idzni, ya’lam ma bayna aydihim wa ma khalfau. Wa la yuituna bishayin min ilmihi illa bi man shaa’, wasiya Qursiyu samawati wal ardha. Wa  la yahuduhu ifzuhuma .Tabaraka llahu huwa Aliyu – Azeem.

7 – My God you are God the possessor of all sovereignty. You grant sovereignty to whomever You choose, You remove sovereignty from whomever You choose. You grant dignity to whomever You choose, and commit to humiliation whomever You choose. In Your hand are all provisions.  Praise be to God He is the Omnipotent.

Allahuma anta allahu, Al Malikal Mulku. Tutti mulka man tashau, Wa tanziu’ mukla mimn tashau’ wa tui’zu man tashau wa tudzilu man tashau’ bi yadika=l – khayru . Subhannallahi wa huwa ala kulli shayin kadir.

8  - You O Lord, merge the night into the day, and merge the day into the night. You produce the living from the dead, and produce the dead from the living, and You provide for whomever You choose, without limits. Blessed are you My god, you are The Best Provider.

tuliju layla fi nahari wa tuliju nahara fi layli. Wa tukhriju-l haya minal mayyiti wa tukhriju-l mayyiti minal haya. Ta tarzuku man tashau; bi ghayri hisabi.Rabaraka llahuma anta Khayru razzikin

9a - You O Lord are the One who created the heaven and the earth truthfully.Whenever you say Be, it is. Your word is the absolute truth. All sovereignity belongs to you the day the horn is blown. You are the knower of all secrets and declarations. Blesses are thou O lord, you are the omniscient, the wise.

Alhamdu lilahi rabbil Alamin. Allahu khalaqa samawati wal ardha bul Haqqi. Wa yawma yakulu Kun faya Kun. Qaolukul ?Haqqu, wa llahu Mulku, yawma yunfaku fi soori,alimul ghaybi wa shahadati. Tabaraka allahu anta A’limu hakim

9b- You O Lord, You bestow knowledge, and understanding. You are the Provider, the Posessor of all Power, the Supreme. O favor me with the knowledge, the understanding and the insight that come from you. Blessed are you, O Lord, the gracious giver of knowledge.

O Lord, I approach Thee through remembrance of Thee and I speak thine intercession with thyself. Bestow on me your favour and draw me close to your service. Inspire me O Lord to remember Thee in all things.

I give thanks to you that you are the Lord my God and the God of my fathers forever and ever. Through every generation you have been the rock of our lives, the shield of our salvation.I give you thanks and declare your praise for my life that is committed to you and for my soul that is entrusted to you, For your miracles that are daily with me, and for your wonders and your benefits that are with us at all times, evening, morning and noon. I put my hope in Thee. For all these acts may your name be blessed and exalted always, O our King, forever and ever. Glorifying you is everything in the heavens and the earth. My God, My Salvation. Blessed are you, O Lord, The Most Gracious and to whom it is fitting to give thanks and Praise.

work

 before i  begin, i have to say to thee o lord. thank you for everything in my life. for my trials and tribulations, for my struggles, for the glimpse of happiness and the joy of everything that my destiny has put me through.

 the darkness my lord is eating into me and i don't know how to stop it.
 i have now descended - if this is the right pun  for it - into  thoughts which are unbecoming of me and i am getting sucked in more and more.
taking my life is not part of me because it is not  something that  i have read in the scriptures to be desired - but i find myself thinking more  and having thoughts of why dont i just jump off  a cliff or  drive head on into a tree.
 my  desire to drive to my mountain, i avoid because i dont want any temptations.
 but at my mountain i feel close with the air i am able to focus my thoughts but i cry when i am there and i dont want to let my darkness come over me whilst i am there
 it is the only thought of my children thinking of their anguish without their mother that gets me through sometimes but the lure and the thoughts resurface again.

 i guess it all boils down to the fact that i  feel extremely tired, stressed out-  no energy - i am worn out at work before i even come home

 my feelings of  resentment towards this employer of mine is growing.
 today i wrote a note to myself for work  which i penned the legacy i leave  behind at work.
 -  that i do my best at all times - ensuring that i am active and productive. I say this hand on heart because i want to do my best, - if not be the best - be among the best. i am punctual and i consider myself to be effective in what i have been asked to do - all the time trying to learn and understand how the business works so i can do things according to how the business wants it. I am punctual to work -  i give them my all - more than i am contracted for my hours*** so i can feel and know my worth for the wages they pay me. I am always at work - baring family emergency and or the relative odd sickness - even with that as long as my hands are working and my eyes can see - i will still drag myself to work and do something - which i consider is better than nothing. the fear is always that any mounting work will be left for me to deal with because everyone else is struggling themselves.  i have put the *** because the work gives me an uplift due to a previous role which they have continued  that due to us changing roles they agreed to keep the same  agreements we had - so with that i work extra hard to ensure that i deserve everything they give me.  i dont take my job lightly. i may not understand the tennents of law but i do what they ask me to do and  ask when i am not sure on what to do. I may not agree with decisions in regards to my customers and feel that we should fight a case  even when the evidence says now but because of the systems of law we  give in. i accept all that.
 - that my customers who i consider to be my policyholders, the  all solicitors  on whose files i maintain, brokers and all sorts  have the confidence that whenever they contact  me i will attend and acknowledge their  request very quickly. I wont keep them waiting, i will  help them too move their files on as i too want to move my files on.
 - that  i am committed to work - all i have ever known since coming here is work - i work to earn money to live. I am not an idle sort of person - i work to learn to progress.

 despite my working hard and toiling and trying to do what they want me to do - i am stuck in a role no progress.  i see  people who have just  literally come in the door getting ahead having  roles and developing themselves but i am stuck where i am.  my hard work i feel  counts for nothing at all. The  ideology i feel in my work is that the lazier you are the more you will progress  as long as you pally with management.

 but i fail at this because for one i am not lazy( and i use this term loosely as  my definition is not being bothered  or taking responsibility about ones work) and i  lack interpersonal skills. i dont make friends easily because i dont trust  easily and i dont like to partake in idle chitchat and inquire about people when i dont really mean it. if i want to know something in particular i ask of it - and bearing this in mind my enquiries may be just outright crazy..

i dont pally with management  because i come to work do my bit and more and leave  - i dont socialise with work staff because one i dont have the time because i al looking after my family and attending to their needs -  two because the activity which my  work mates partake in  that they use to bond is not something i do -  i dont drink and  i dont like visiting  pubs/clubs -
 - the occasional team lunch i will go to but even at that it messes up with my duties of prayer  as i reserve my lunch time to pray which is my obligation to do.. and many at times when i go for the team lunch i forget to pray - feel as if someone is clocking me if i leave my seat for what is 5 mins and i feel as if i m not paid to take time out to pray as if i am shortchanging the business.. i try to pray in my seat but in reality the concentration is not there too because i have to  switch off my phones still i feel like i am being clocked..

 my 35hr day work for me i come in and do my work and yet other people doing overtime and getting paid more for their overtime - i am asked to do their work in my own working hours.  i dont understand that.
 i dont get acknowledgement for the extra help i give my colleagues in work - above and beyond what i do
 i dont get paid or any incentive for it.
 i am not aghast to assisting and helping because i do even  without anyone asking me but i stopped because i felt  like the above and also i felt like i was being taken advantage off.
there is no thanks from the people you assist and the impression i get is  that it is taken for granted that i am  there to fill in with their work for them

 i need money too - if i could i would do some overtime but i cant -  and i feel as though i am penalised/overlooked for progress because i cant commit to that  and  that  i have  raised my voice at what i see as unfair practices and the stress at the sheer volume of  what i have been doing..

 only of recent in the last 6 month i refused to be taken for a mug. and i use this term in all its ramifications because i don't see why and how i should be working for people who are paid to come in to work but come in doing the barest minimum and leave at the end of the day - why should   i be doing their work or taking ownership of their work for them when they cannot be bothered to do the same.
 i voiced my frustrations  and with that the management have taken a dim view of me .
 there is always an excuse   for everything in this work of mine not really doing what they should do but giving excuse for shady behaviour with work and drawing a blind eye and expecting  others to move the business on rather than those they have employed to do it.
 why should i be working when others are idling and not really doing the work they should be doing.
the shady behaviour of being  - fiddling figures to make it seem that they are working and  we all know games people play and the disregard with their work -  i have seen it all.

 then there is the issue of wellbeing which is greatly overlooked in my work.  with what we do we have no choice but to intrude into peoples lives often being aware of their intimate medical history and psychological details .. the effects that these have on us is overlooked..

 i complained to my  manager around xmas time that i was feeling stressed and all my manager could do was tell me how i was her i should nto be like her basically come in do your bit and leave dont care.. i was referred to some quacky  service which in my opinion was just shit - i have tried in so many ways to tell my manager that i am stressed, the workload is demanding -  they dont care.
 we had a temporary manager once and his way of moving things is giving me others work to do because i was  up to date.. i am up to date because i work damn hard to ensure i do - btu you keep getting piled on more work or expected to take on more work -  it got to a point i was not sleeping, waking up thinking about work how to move files on - it just gets toooo much

 i dont see why i should slave myself for someone who has not real appreciation for the work done - whose  discussions with you  end up all being about herself and her achievements.  where is my development, where is my progress from their hands - it is null and void because they are not interested.
 i dont know how to be fake  so i avoid spending time with my manager as much as possible and i try and avoid her spending time with me because the fakeness  is apparent for me. there is no real interest just an desire to further her name within the business.

 the progression and movement to development is not clear and its is just whispers behind glass mirrors. managers promote those they  want - there is no clear strategy as to who and why they develop who they want - what kind of a place is this.

 i am grateful for my job  Lord i am grateful for any Job in these hard times but  there is a limit to  non progress.

  with all of this  weighing on my mind i remind myself constantly that i am not perfect and who am i to judge because 1% imperfection is just as grave as 10% which is just as grave ad 50% but the discontent in how the work is managed is eating into me and contributing to my  darkness.

 i am resolved to leave if i can find another job but i love my job and it pains me to leave..  the sacrifice i make  is i have a place to say my prayers at work - where else can i find that.. but is this sacrifice too much to bear if there is no progress or movement..

 i want to succeed God in this job - i give them my all and more. i want to  progress.
 i ask myself is it because i am black that i am overlooked -  is it because i dont  tie myself emotionally with any one person with work - it is because my work is bad - and if my work is bad why are they not telling me - i will try to be better - i will try to do better and improve.  am i that much of a hopeless case that they could not be bothered.

in spite and despite Lord of my issues and darkness and what i consider to be my problems let me thrive above the  sight of my enemies - let me thrive and succeed. By thy grace and mercy. grant me it.