work

 before i  begin, i have to say to thee o lord. thank you for everything in my life. for my trials and tribulations, for my struggles, for the glimpse of happiness and the joy of everything that my destiny has put me through.

 the darkness my lord is eating into me and i don't know how to stop it.
 i have now descended - if this is the right pun  for it - into  thoughts which are unbecoming of me and i am getting sucked in more and more.
taking my life is not part of me because it is not  something that  i have read in the scriptures to be desired - but i find myself thinking more  and having thoughts of why dont i just jump off  a cliff or  drive head on into a tree.
 my  desire to drive to my mountain, i avoid because i dont want any temptations.
 but at my mountain i feel close with the air i am able to focus my thoughts but i cry when i am there and i dont want to let my darkness come over me whilst i am there
 it is the only thought of my children thinking of their anguish without their mother that gets me through sometimes but the lure and the thoughts resurface again.

 i guess it all boils down to the fact that i  feel extremely tired, stressed out-  no energy - i am worn out at work before i even come home

 my feelings of  resentment towards this employer of mine is growing.
 today i wrote a note to myself for work  which i penned the legacy i leave  behind at work.
 -  that i do my best at all times - ensuring that i am active and productive. I say this hand on heart because i want to do my best, - if not be the best - be among the best. i am punctual and i consider myself to be effective in what i have been asked to do - all the time trying to learn and understand how the business works so i can do things according to how the business wants it. I am punctual to work -  i give them my all - more than i am contracted for my hours*** so i can feel and know my worth for the wages they pay me. I am always at work - baring family emergency and or the relative odd sickness - even with that as long as my hands are working and my eyes can see - i will still drag myself to work and do something - which i consider is better than nothing. the fear is always that any mounting work will be left for me to deal with because everyone else is struggling themselves.  i have put the *** because the work gives me an uplift due to a previous role which they have continued  that due to us changing roles they agreed to keep the same  agreements we had - so with that i work extra hard to ensure that i deserve everything they give me.  i dont take my job lightly. i may not understand the tennents of law but i do what they ask me to do and  ask when i am not sure on what to do. I may not agree with decisions in regards to my customers and feel that we should fight a case  even when the evidence says now but because of the systems of law we  give in. i accept all that.
 - that my customers who i consider to be my policyholders, the  all solicitors  on whose files i maintain, brokers and all sorts  have the confidence that whenever they contact  me i will attend and acknowledge their  request very quickly. I wont keep them waiting, i will  help them too move their files on as i too want to move my files on.
 - that  i am committed to work - all i have ever known since coming here is work - i work to earn money to live. I am not an idle sort of person - i work to learn to progress.

 despite my working hard and toiling and trying to do what they want me to do - i am stuck in a role no progress.  i see  people who have just  literally come in the door getting ahead having  roles and developing themselves but i am stuck where i am.  my hard work i feel  counts for nothing at all. The  ideology i feel in my work is that the lazier you are the more you will progress  as long as you pally with management.

 but i fail at this because for one i am not lazy( and i use this term loosely as  my definition is not being bothered  or taking responsibility about ones work) and i  lack interpersonal skills. i dont make friends easily because i dont trust  easily and i dont like to partake in idle chitchat and inquire about people when i dont really mean it. if i want to know something in particular i ask of it - and bearing this in mind my enquiries may be just outright crazy..

i dont pally with management  because i come to work do my bit and more and leave  - i dont socialise with work staff because one i dont have the time because i al looking after my family and attending to their needs -  two because the activity which my  work mates partake in  that they use to bond is not something i do -  i dont drink and  i dont like visiting  pubs/clubs -
 - the occasional team lunch i will go to but even at that it messes up with my duties of prayer  as i reserve my lunch time to pray which is my obligation to do.. and many at times when i go for the team lunch i forget to pray - feel as if someone is clocking me if i leave my seat for what is 5 mins and i feel as if i m not paid to take time out to pray as if i am shortchanging the business.. i try to pray in my seat but in reality the concentration is not there too because i have to  switch off my phones still i feel like i am being clocked..

 my 35hr day work for me i come in and do my work and yet other people doing overtime and getting paid more for their overtime - i am asked to do their work in my own working hours.  i dont understand that.
 i dont get acknowledgement for the extra help i give my colleagues in work - above and beyond what i do
 i dont get paid or any incentive for it.
 i am not aghast to assisting and helping because i do even  without anyone asking me but i stopped because i felt  like the above and also i felt like i was being taken advantage off.
there is no thanks from the people you assist and the impression i get is  that it is taken for granted that i am  there to fill in with their work for them

 i need money too - if i could i would do some overtime but i cant -  and i feel as though i am penalised/overlooked for progress because i cant commit to that  and  that  i have  raised my voice at what i see as unfair practices and the stress at the sheer volume of  what i have been doing..

 only of recent in the last 6 month i refused to be taken for a mug. and i use this term in all its ramifications because i don't see why and how i should be working for people who are paid to come in to work but come in doing the barest minimum and leave at the end of the day - why should   i be doing their work or taking ownership of their work for them when they cannot be bothered to do the same.
 i voiced my frustrations  and with that the management have taken a dim view of me .
 there is always an excuse   for everything in this work of mine not really doing what they should do but giving excuse for shady behaviour with work and drawing a blind eye and expecting  others to move the business on rather than those they have employed to do it.
 why should i be working when others are idling and not really doing the work they should be doing.
the shady behaviour of being  - fiddling figures to make it seem that they are working and  we all know games people play and the disregard with their work -  i have seen it all.

 then there is the issue of wellbeing which is greatly overlooked in my work.  with what we do we have no choice but to intrude into peoples lives often being aware of their intimate medical history and psychological details .. the effects that these have on us is overlooked..

 i complained to my  manager around xmas time that i was feeling stressed and all my manager could do was tell me how i was her i should nto be like her basically come in do your bit and leave dont care.. i was referred to some quacky  service which in my opinion was just shit - i have tried in so many ways to tell my manager that i am stressed, the workload is demanding -  they dont care.
 we had a temporary manager once and his way of moving things is giving me others work to do because i was  up to date.. i am up to date because i work damn hard to ensure i do - btu you keep getting piled on more work or expected to take on more work -  it got to a point i was not sleeping, waking up thinking about work how to move files on - it just gets toooo much

 i dont see why i should slave myself for someone who has not real appreciation for the work done - whose  discussions with you  end up all being about herself and her achievements.  where is my development, where is my progress from their hands - it is null and void because they are not interested.
 i dont know how to be fake  so i avoid spending time with my manager as much as possible and i try and avoid her spending time with me because the fakeness  is apparent for me. there is no real interest just an desire to further her name within the business.

 the progression and movement to development is not clear and its is just whispers behind glass mirrors. managers promote those they  want - there is no clear strategy as to who and why they develop who they want - what kind of a place is this.

 i am grateful for my job  Lord i am grateful for any Job in these hard times but  there is a limit to  non progress.

  with all of this  weighing on my mind i remind myself constantly that i am not perfect and who am i to judge because 1% imperfection is just as grave as 10% which is just as grave ad 50% but the discontent in how the work is managed is eating into me and contributing to my  darkness.

 i am resolved to leave if i can find another job but i love my job and it pains me to leave..  the sacrifice i make  is i have a place to say my prayers at work - where else can i find that.. but is this sacrifice too much to bear if there is no progress or movement..

 i want to succeed God in this job - i give them my all and more. i want to  progress.
 i ask myself is it because i am black that i am overlooked -  is it because i dont  tie myself emotionally with any one person with work - it is because my work is bad - and if my work is bad why are they not telling me - i will try to be better - i will try to do better and improve.  am i that much of a hopeless case that they could not be bothered.

in spite and despite Lord of my issues and darkness and what i consider to be my problems let me thrive above the  sight of my enemies - let me thrive and succeed. By thy grace and mercy. grant me it.