she who is called her

today my lord I confess that my heart and the thoughts that flooded my mind were unbecoming of me and how I want to be. there is no excuse and I accept that. I say I dont understand your world lord and the rules and parties you put in place that affects our path. I don't understand my parents and their actions and how it is that I should accept what I would call their baggage especially when it goes against my feelings.. it is a tempestuous relationship with her..and I look to you o lord to guide me and help me with this test..right from a young age she has cursed me kept cursing me out of anger, out of fraustration that I wont do what she wants me to do..all about side with her against my father.. support her without question.. and I dont want to get involved in their affairs.. I just want to have a happy life.. that is not too much to ask.. that for me is better but I feel all she knows is hate and how to hate and I dont want to hate.. its not about how I feel my head is messed up by all I saw growing  up and what she made me do.. its not about the killing beatings and the abuse she subjected me to and it can only be called abuse..its not about the psychological games she plays making me feel inadequate.. its not about how in her need for control she humiliates me whenever I have friends.. its not about how she does not want me to have any friends and whenever I do she disaproves finds something to say about them to sow a seed in my mind.. its not about how how I didnt feel I have any guidance when I was growing up...it is about how do I pass this test called her.. how do I rise above and remember thee God first before descending to a part of me that just wants to spew hate back at her..I look at my childhood and the wrong turns I took, the things I was forced to do, the parents I  had but did not have and I feel sad.. its life I tell myself.. everyone's story is what makes it colourful... God please create a house for me
for my children here and with thee in paradise