Early morning Confession

I come to thee o Lord my God to make a confession.
I come to thee to seek help.
For whatever reason since the birth of AM I am now being increasingly thinking of death. It occupies my mind and invades my thought. It is some sort of morbid fascination that I take interest in it.
Maybe it's because with the new addition I am questioning my purpose on earth and my longings to see my children grow up to help them in whatever way I can in future God willing.. Or maybe it's because it is approaching me I don't know.
I find myself being curious about it like I am sort of inviting it so to say.
It could also be my subconscious because I remember my friend Wajid ( loosely read my palm and maybe mentioned a certain age 35 I would die.. I have kept this in my mind always being afraid of reaching this age?? Now now I am not overtly supersticious but I am known to let my mind suggest superstitious thoughts I know and accept that only God knows our begining and end.. No one can tell future unless ofcourse it is with Gods approval.) Anyway I have been considering this for some time now and to not let this feeling get a hold on me and have any power over me I write it down and present it to thee Lord- not that thou does not already know what goes through my mind..

On another matter Lord, I feel thy spirit departing from me and I ask that you never let this happen. Yes I do not have motivation and zeal to want to do anything because I am tired with children looking after and I feel I have no purpose because I do not have a routine. But lord please let your spirit never depart from me.. Keep close to me forever in this life and hereafter..
It could be that I am bringing this on myself with the mostly negative thoughts that is consuming me but nevertheless Lord help me clear them and positify my mind and thoughts..
This ramadan I am asking a lot from thee: a house of my own,mobility,job and financial security,peace of mind, good health and wellbeing of me and children, spiritual growth and advancement in worship,more late night praise,more to save,taking away negativeness in my life,more charitable, less sinful thoughts,, job advancemenrt,spiritual help and guidance, help with finding out truth and doing something with it, a lenghthy list I have Lord that I will be topping up as I remember...
I have been waylaid in my thoughts Lord forgive me.. The original topic was to ask your spirit not depart from me. And keeping me forever within the expance and inclusion of your guidance and Mercy.
A thought occured to me the other day.. God you are my provider, whatever it be that I am asking for I come to you wether it be good or bad I am asking for I come to you because only you can provide and grant me what I ask.m but I know you are not a bad God and do not do mischief or evil... that is a fact for me, but I let my emotions get away with me in asking out of negative thoughts that have manifested in my mind. I would prefer not to engage in this habit not having negative thoughts so please help me God Help me please.. But all in all I have no one to run to but thee in my life in any life..

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Thank You

Oba nla. You honour me iin a way I didn't expect with the letter that has come to me this morning...thank you very much for the unexpected mercy
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3 months on

with today included it symbolises that you are 3 months old or 93 days which ever way you look at it.
you are a joy to behold.
My Love, My heart,
I love you never forget that,
I may be strict, I may be firm  but by Gods Grace I will love you forever.
 never ever forget that - that i love you.
 I wanted you, i asked for you, i prayed for you and God gave me  you.
 God bless you my dear, guide and protect you always.
 As a woman - you will have Gods special blessing and presence in your heart, in your soul.
You will listen to God and he will take care of you - He will protect you, He will shield you and watch over you.
Your birth is one of the happiest times of my life
Happy 3 months my dear

supplication - what does it mean

the last couple of weeks a supplication that i remember my dad reciting came to my mind. and i just called him to ask what the meaning was (  i have tried to get the meaning myself from the quran and it is still a working progress - because with intonation( yoruba dilect) i may have lost some of the correct words and i am still trying to get to it) but he said it was a ismiliasam - i dont know what that means by the way - he says that only God knows what it means - i guess he means the 5 letters starting the dua - kaf, ha  ya ain sad..
 but here it goes - if anyone ever manages to remember the meaning let me know please..

kaf ha ya sin sad
jalazin waosalin walin jazman kastastin aatin
matiatayatin atin
Heefee ajubu lailaha illa lahu naratin fasta naratin tubu
subu
qudusu
rabbu malaikatu warhu alal arshi istawa wa la maliki istawa
ladafi bima gala wa la maliu bima hata
yafalu man yuridu fi mulkihi wa yan kufi alqihi man yashau wa huwa ala kuli shayin kadir..

 some parts are said twice as i remember my dad saying it

 he made me laugh  he says do not recite this if you are on a plane.. but do it whilst sitting down.. lolol

 this is how i remember it being said -

Worried

Dear Lord,
For the last week my boy has been crying when I go to drop him at the minders. This is unlike him because he loves to go there at all other times.
Just a month ago when I went to drop him, he couldn't run away from me fast enough as he walked fast to the door and I remember I was a bit hurt but proclaimed that's my little boy grown up, he is cutting the chord and I accepted it.
Yes he used to be the only young un with the minder. And now there is another child there. But he still loved it up until a week/two ago and this coincided with him having a bad cold with high fever. Today he was crying forcibly as he didn't want me to go and I don't like that because he will be in distress. Anyways God the ever imaginative mind that I have is asking me why is he now crying to go there. God you are my help and my only trust and I keep my son under your special care and protection, please I cannot look after him like you can, infact you are the one that looks after him, I am just pretending to.. Please I leave him in your care and guidance. His development his welfare, his guidance and his sustainance all with Thee. Help me to soothe him, help me to understand him and him me. Help me to lay and show him the best examples. Help me with him oh Lord help me with him
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Worried

Dear Lord,
For the last week my boy has been crying when I go to drop him at the minders. This is unlike him because he loves to go there at all other times.
Just a month ago when I went to drop him, he couldn't run away from me fast enough as he walked fast to the door and I remember I was a bit hurt but proclaimed that's my little boy grown up, he is cutting the chord and I accepted it.
Yes he used to be the only young un with the minder. And now there is another child there. But he still loved it up until a week/two ago and this coincided with him having a bad cold with high fever. Today he was crying forcibly as he didn't want me to go and I don't like that because he will be in distress. Anyways God the ever imaginative mind that I have is asking me why is he now crying to go there. God you are my help and my only trust and I keep my son under your special care and protection, please I cannot look after him like you can, infact you are the one that looks after him, I am just pretending to.. Please I leave him in your care and guidance. His development his welfare, his guidance and his sustainance all with Thee. Help me to soothe him, help me to understand him and him me. Help me to lay and show him the best examples. Help me with him oh Lord help me with him
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Lonely

Dear Lord,
I am lonely.. I feel lonely and I feel useless.
I lack motivation to encourage mysef and I lack enthusiasm to want to do anything.
Even to pray, I feel no zeal
Even to bathe I cannot be bothered
Even to feed I cannot be bothered
I started to go out running to try to help me but a bad chest and cold infection has grounded me and the children
All I have ever known is work, work keeps me active, it keeps my mind out of trouble, it keeps crazythoughts at bay,it helps give me balance, with it on I am able to structure myself, my obligations, my life... Without it I feel lost.
Dear God please don't take it away from me.You are the best Provider, merciful and Kind
But also help me in this phase that I am..
I tried going to a child play group but they seem already established -the parents there- and I didn't feel warmed..., I tried seeking a penpal and I didn't want to give my number so I didn't go thru with it..I also want to be a good mother so please help me I want to be the best mother.. Please help me.. To find and utilise services to help my children flourish, to help my children socialise and enjoy their youth.. ..
I am not the easiest person to get to know, I am very guarded and can appear to be sometimes aloof.. My childhood has made me like that. And I accept it, I have tried to be someone I am not but that makes me very fake and I don't want to do that.
I feel very lonely lord, please help me.
I come to you for comfort and ease of my problems, O one who is aware of my every issue.. That is all I wanted to confess now..

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