soooooo blue

It never ceases to escape my notice how this life is ever changing circumstances and journies never stops to make me wonder and ask why oh why oh why!

sometimes i find life hard, difficult and sometimes it is easy and effortless

when i read the quran it also amazes me that some verses that i have read before but never paid attention to and now the ones that come to light and linger in my mind a few moments longer.

i guess this is inspiration, it is funny how before when i used to read the quran way way before, the words just washed over me and now when i read, some words linger on more than others - i have a desire to sit and to note them down with each passing year - to explore my thoughts and my understanding - i started to write write them down but then i just faltered and and became preoccupied with other things... but i guess for me it is a learning curve for it interests me to see how i develop, what my thoughts are and how they change with each reading, each new experience and with each new guidance and inspiration from God.

seemingly so because of the situation that i am in, the ever need that i want to regain that exhuberance as before to attach my nightly devotions as before, never wanting to be short of Gods mercy and guidance....

this life, let me no lie makes me tired, i just feel weary and tired, a part of me wishes to give everything up and a part of me knows that i am that much of a workaholic that i would not know what to do if i did.

i guess it is the weather... its sooo dark and i am feeling blue.

if only i could just say i need to take some time off - if not for my financial obligations i probably would....but as ever it is not a moan or a complain but a passing observation....

but hey look at the brighter side... 2 months to my birthday.. that sure is something to celebrate.... innit..

the approach to the month always depresses me.. because i start to evaluate my life and i ask myself - how true have i been to myself in that what i want to achieve, how true have i been to my God, and i ask myself if i were to die now, what do i have to show my God...

the last couple of times that i asked myself - the answer was nothing... and if i am honest i will always say nothing....

what do i hav to show for 30 odd years - i have forsaken my God so many times, but my God has never forsaken me... he has been soooooo good to me, every so nice and Merciful and kind as well even when i never deserved it...i have done things that were unbecoming of one whos heart yearns to be at peace with her creator, who hearts feels at most happy when she is singing and rejoicing at the wonders of her Lord... i the coward that i am, have in the past felt embarassed to worship..

but i can say that now God willing i am getting better - i always tell myself to be true to myself, never to lie to myself, and with that i gain a better understanding of myself and what makes me err, and i know what to stay away from and what to move closer to, to help my soul develop.

at the start of each new year, i get into a rut with my prayers - i basically forget to wake up for morning prayers - and this has happened the last 2 years - also when the time changes the same thing happenes for about a week intermitently.. so i know it is an issue so it is something i have to look out for...

i know that when it is nearer the time for my mum to travel we would have a big big arguement --as i grow up i ask God to help me with my conduct with both my parents,... to help me not to say uff.. but to say what i want to say and to leave it at that - i learn that there is no point getting upset if people say things that i dont like or dont agree with - ( but i do have to admit that sometimes shouting does seem to release some stress) in any case i learn to accept people more and understand that i am not in control of anything...

my relationship with my brother can never be lovey dovey - because i do not like him at all as a person. i do not like the way( my opinion) that he treats people, that he manipulates and runs away from his responsibilities.. i also dont like the fact that my mum is partial with him that with any of her children - he can get away with murder but the rest of us wont... ( there is a hint of jealousy there)

i understand that i am using shopping as an emotional crutch. this is very bad i agree but God willing it will get better.

i understand that whether i like it or not my heart will forever be devoted to God. and thank God i am glad that i like it.

so maany learning.....

ps: i have a million and one things that i have to br grateful to God for, and my Lord let me not say that i fall unappreciative of your blessings on me. My Lord i am grateful indeed i am.. when i consider what you have given me and when i consider others,, i see and know that my Lord is indeed good to me...

downcast

I don't know how to describe how I am feeling rght now.
I feel all worn out, spent and tired... I cannot seem to shake this feeling of tearful sorrow...
I can't seem to hold back my tears.... I juust want to cry and let it out of my system.... But let what out? I don't know....
I feel soooooo alone but I try to remember..... Wa huwa aynamakuntu wa llahu bima ta'malua nbasir....
He is with you wherever you may be, God is seeer of everything....
In my time of despair and in times of joy, may my Lord hold me close and near...



Today at work I have to acknowledge My Lord - and to many an elegant praise I have never deserved my Lord has given currency onto me... I an grateful Most Gracious for your provision and Give all thanks to thee. May

God is and will always be in control

sometimes i have to keep reminidng myself that God is in control every day and in each every way..
i guess it is with practice that it embedds in my psyche,
i agree and i acknowledge that this fact is true - God is in control..

its just sometimes, i let wishful thinking and unbecoming thoughts overcloud my processes, and i feel sad and downcast..

its that old age demon - why me!! why me!! but i realise after thought( thank God for this) that everything is as it should be, everything is the way God meant it to be.. that i should not worry over things that i have no control over....

that if i have a wish, a desire or a longing, i should put it before the Most Gracious and trust that the best outcome will suffice..

thinking like this makes me feel better and makes me realise how me and whatever issues i may have are so insignificant when compared to the world and its goings on...

i remember from the scripture a befitting prayer - My Lord i seek refuge with thee lest i ask for that of which i have no knowledge and unless you have mercy on me and forgive me, i shall indeed be lost... ( this is how i remember it, not word for word, )

so the case is the same, my Lord, i have asked thee for so many things, and i put all before thee, all my aspirations, all my longings, my wishes and my future and i ask thee to oversee them for me...

Provide me O lord with all the good provisions from thee in this life and in the hereafter - inspiration, forgiveness, mercy, support, help, assistance, blessings, kindness, - all in this life and the hereafter..You are my Lord, the Best Provider.

as it is on my lips Most Gracious, One family devoted to thee alone, worshipping thee alone and holding on to thee alone, Guide us O Lord , provide for us, assist us, help and support us, forgive us and redeem us, in this life and in the hereafter. Be you Glorified, Most Gracious Lord.

!!!

tonight i ask myself, why is it that the people who claim to be righteous or who are intent and so passionate about atatining righteousness, seems to be the ones, who dont show tolerance, understanding and patience.....

yo uknwo it is very easy to point fingers and disregard people because of religious beliefs, all in the name of righteousness, but i reckon that is not the way it should be...

why do people think that worshipping God is a one process thing.... i dont think there is one way to God, rather i think there are many ways to God.....the most important thing thought is to worship God alone devoting worship to him alone....

whosoever volunteers more righteous works to God, God for him, remember at least that we should race to righteousness....... it is not a one glove fits all... there are many paths to god but the key to opening this path is recognising that there is only one God and whatever worship practice it must be devoted to God alone.....

God surely knows those in the right path, we only pray that God includes us with the righteous...


this vjust perplexes me.... its like someone telling me, that when i refer to God, i should only call him Allah and not the Most Gracious for instance....... logic like that for me is ludicurous.....
i would rather answer back and say - to you is yours and to me is mine... after all, God knows my intentions...

we as humans worry too much over people and their directionthat we fail to grasp that all important thing... - we cannot guide anyone, God is in charges of all our guidance... we think that by ostracising people we can force them to rethink, we justify being nasty, rude because we think that we are defending God..... but we forget, God is in no need of our defence.. We are only defending ourselves, our positions.... not God.....

belief in God/righteousness for me does not mean a disregard of your fellow person, one whom you had spoken with before in kindess and love an djust because they see things in a different light, you criticise and be ride and insult.... that for me is not an example of righteousness.... regardless of who started what first, it doesnt mean that you should retaliate.....

in anycase - you can see that i am talking about a specific thing here - and my last thought on the issue is to delete and block eveything. God is sufficient for me, God is the one who guides.... i am ashamed to be associated with these people, seeing as their conduct, their divisive nature and ego positions are for me quite evident...

tolerance is not accepting bad behaviour but rather understanding that people come from different background an dhave difference approaches and logic... We look to God to help us to learn from what/where is important and useful and disregard the rest that are not useful.......