sometimes i find life hard, difficult and sometimes it is easy and effortless
when i read the quran it also amazes me that some verses that i have read before but never paid attention to and now the ones that come to light and linger in my mind a few moments longer.
i guess this is inspiration, it is funny how before when i used to read the quran way way before, the words just washed over me and now when i read, some words linger on more than others - i have a desire to sit and to note them down with each passing year - to explore my thoughts and my understanding - i started to write write them down but then i just faltered and and became preoccupied with other things... but i guess for me it is a learning curve for it interests me to see how i develop, what my thoughts are and how they change with each reading, each new experience and with each new guidance and inspiration from God.
seemingly so because of the situation that i am in, the ever need that i want to regain that exhuberance as before to attach my nightly devotions as before, never wanting to be short of Gods mercy and guidance....
this life, let me no lie makes me tired, i just feel weary and tired, a part of me wishes to give everything up and a part of me knows that i am that much of a workaholic that i would not know what to do if i did.
i guess it is the weather... its sooo dark and i am feeling blue.
if only i could just say i need to take some time off - if not for my financial obligations i probably would....but as ever it is not a moan or a complain but a passing observation....
but hey look at the brighter side... 2 months to my birthday.. that sure is something to celebrate.... innit..
the approach to the month always depresses me.. because i start to evaluate my life and i ask myself - how true have i been to myself in that what i want to achieve, how true have i been to my God, and i ask myself if i were to die now, what do i have to show my God...
the last couple of times that i asked myself - the answer was nothing... and if i am honest i will always say nothing....
what do i hav to show for 30 odd years - i have forsaken my God so many times, but my God has never forsaken me... he has been soooooo good to me, every so nice and Merciful and kind as well even when i never deserved it...i have done things that were unbecoming of one whos heart yearns to be at peace with her creator, who hearts feels at most happy when she is singing and rejoicing at the wonders of her Lord... i the coward that i am, have in the past felt embarassed to worship..
but i can say that now God willing i am getting better - i always tell myself to be true to myself, never to lie to myself, and with that i gain a better understanding of myself and what makes me err, and i know what to stay away from and what to move closer to, to help my soul develop.
at the start of each new year, i get into a rut with my prayers - i basically forget to wake up for morning prayers - and this has happened the last 2 years - also when the time changes the same thing happenes for about a week intermitently.. so i know it is an issue so it is something i have to look out for...
i know that when it is nearer the time for my mum to travel we would have a big big arguement --as i grow up i ask God to help me with my conduct with both my parents,... to help me not to say uff.. but to say what i want to say and to leave it at that - i learn that there is no point getting upset if people say things that i dont like or dont agree with - ( but i do have to admit that sometimes shouting does seem to release some stress) in any case i learn to accept people more and understand that i am not in control of anything...
my relationship with my brother can never be lovey dovey - because i do not like him at all as a person. i do not like the way( my opinion) that he treats people, that he manipulates and runs away from his responsibilities.. i also dont like the fact that my mum is partial with him that with any of her children - he can get away with murder but the rest of us wont... ( there is a hint of jealousy there)
i understand that i am using shopping as an emotional crutch. this is very bad i agree but God willing it will get better.
i understand that whether i like it or not my heart will forever be devoted to God. and thank God i am glad that i like it.
so maany learning.....
ps: i have a million and one things that i have to br grateful to God for, and my Lord let me not say that i fall unappreciative of your blessings on me. My Lord i am grateful indeed i am.. when i consider what you have given me and when i consider others,, i see and know that my Lord is indeed good to me...
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