unresolved feelings..

the presence of one or both of my parents always feels me with fear and the feeling within myself that "what will they do to me or say to me that may or may not embarass me"..
with it also resurfaces a lot of unresolved feelings on how I view how they brought me up.

i guess in some way there is a small element of judgement at how i view how i was brought up but by and large it is a matter of choice of wether i agree or still agree or do not agree with any of their own actions in the past or now, regarding my life etc.

i dont judge them although when i recount my experiences at their hands - one would think different - i just accept that given the choices they had, they choose whatever they could given the cirsumstances they were in - but look at me today - God has helped me see that, their choices - good or bad - by Gods grace guides me to do better.

i have long regarded and finally accepted that my parents and myself ultimately follow different paths - in terms of choices on life and faith.

whereas i see for instance my dad, who potrays on the outward a devout muslim - but i view this with suspicion as i have known a man prone to fetishness( by fetish i mean things of the likes of juju man that involves, sacrifices, incantations, body markings bla bla - seeking to other sources apart from God) - to gain advancement over people, or bring good fortunes his way, or maybe to seek protection in midst of political gain/jungle palava. i know a man whose word sometimes cannot be guaranteed for , who i know will lie outrightly to you and who likes ( in my view) be deluded regarding situations in life and whose treatment of people he considers inferior to him as slightly "over-lordish" - but then again choices he made for himself so i cannot blame/judge him regarding this.

in my mum's instance i see another whose pursuit of every alternative approach to secure her safety/position/good fortune in life and marriage - fetishness or whatever - much to my own detriment as i am always at the recieving end of all them new fads and new potions and new markings - very well much into adulthood.
i view religion with my mum with every mount of suspisions because outwardly she portays muslim but what i see her do is different - whilst i try not to judge - i accept that in life we all choose a path to follow and i recognise that the paths my parents have shown and the path i want to follow are not the same.

my mum is particularly prone to jealousy - but then arent all women to some degree - can be very unforgiving and is very supersticous much to my own annoyance and detriment - so many accusations and statements that cannot be founded on with proof will be thrown out there( much to my detriment - as i usually am at the recieveing end of them - regarding i slept with this that that that - i want to collide to kill her because i play with my step-siblings or accept sweeties from my steo mum etc) - whilst she is quite a suspicious person by nature - she is also prone to being very gaulible and duped by every aladura man who comes telling her this that that and that, to which i have always watched her with amusement and feverently prayed to God that i hope i never turn out like her - that is a judgement on my part i realise - but ultimately it is a choice.

i have to be stark honest with myself regrding my parents choices and where i feel i see the message they are trying to impart on me - DO NOT think by any ways that i dont love my parents - i do - i have no choice in this matter - whaterver wherever - they will always be my parents and i will perpetually be in a love/detest habit relationship with them.

because my mum is coming to where i am today - these feelings have resurfaced again and this morning todays Quran reading was more aptly put - touched on the topic of parents - to which during reading - i had no choice but to bow to my creator and ask for his guidance and help in regards to my conduct with my parents.
i hope to God always to be able to do that which i must do with my parents - to be able to honour then regardless whatever they say or do to me, not to let me get upset with them too much but to treat them as fair and as kind as i can - without any thought of my upbringing or how unjust i may think their actions to be.

As usual remmeber i am using the translation of RK and parenthesis are the inferences of the translator - as always please check the arabic which is the only authenticated word from God.

17:23] Your Lord has decreed that you shall not worship except Him, and your parents shall be honored. As long as one or both of them live, you shall never say to them, "Uff" (the slightest gesture of annoyance), nor shall you shout at them; you shall treat them amicably

17:24] And lower for them the wings of humility, and kindness, and say, "My Lord, have mercy on them, for they have raised me from infancy

17:25] Your Lord is fully aware of your innermost thoughts. If you maintain righteousness, He is Forgiver of those who repent

17:26] You shall give the due alms to the relatives, the needy, the poor, and the traveling alien, but do not be excessive, extravagant.

17:27] The extravagant are brethren of the devils, and the devil is unappreciative of his Lord

17:28] Even if you have to turn away from them, as you pursue the mercy of your Lord, you shall treat them in the nicest manner.

If i am honest, over the course of my years, i cannot say that i have kept to this because my parents especially my mum( given that she is the parent i have spent my longest with) seems to bring about the worst in me always - regarding what she expects me to do, who she expects me to like and not like etc bla bla bla - in a way it is a sort of control over me and i always have issues with feelings of people wanting to control what i do not do nto want to do) this always infuriates me to a point of sometimes they may be the uff's with residual resentment and anger - but Thank God as i grow up - i realise that shouting matches or shows of anger does nto benefit anybody - i just state my case if i wish to do so and just walk away. As i grow up - i just realise that arguing over what you dont want to do tells your parents that you can be won over if they persist in pestering you and plying pressure on you - as i grow up i learn that my no should mean no and my yes shouls mean yes - after due consultation - no amount of emotional blackmail should change my mind - i just state my case - and simples - no arguements, no but's no whatifs - if i dont agree with something, then i dont simple!

my mum's relationship with me at best can be quite testy - i love her but at the same time i dislike her habits and choices and if i may dare it makes me dislike her sometimes- i am quite sure if i were around my dad more the case will be the same.

as a women living in the same house and with temperements that we have - which unfortunately i have some( there i have admitted) it is quite testly - btu in reality the solution for both of us is prolonged periods of absence from each other and that generally helps.

i still feel agrieved over what i feel is her manipulation of my 30th birthday and i reckon i feel anger towards myself more for allowing her - because i could have been more insistent - could not believe when she asked me to worship jesus( in effect that was what she was asking me to do) - Most gracious i know my mum loves me but i reckon i may never share her choices or understand them for that matter.

each new year, i ask God to help me to become a better daughter to my parents, to help me do my duty to them which i must do but also to help me to stand up for myself in what i want to do with my own life. and at the end of the year there are some slips and some regrets but ultimately there are learning actions for me for the next year

the general notion amongst most africans is that parents know best and you follow their guidance as they are your elders but if i am honest and the right notion is that they dont.

never ever be deluded into thinking that parents know best because they dont - parents only know what they know and what they have experienced - but remember experiences differs - there may be pockets of similarities but can never be the same - the best thing will be to listen to what they have to say but ultimately MAKE UP YOUR OWN MIND regarding what choice to take - because at the end of things - it is you who will suffer whatever consequences.

blind following - without adequate reasoning or logic in my view now is wrong - as a child you have no choice but when you attain adulthood there is no excuse. as long as you honour then and treat them amicably nd with respect - not everything they say is to be taken as Gospel and that is the honest truth - in my view.

not everyones childhood is meant to be rosy - but i am glad for mine in anycase - with the endless signts of calabashes and cowry shelled rooms, visits to the weirdest places, cele pastors - sucess oils to be rubbed all over your body, juju people with their deitys and idols, people claiming that they know the future, uncountable concoctions to be drunk , different body markings, different ritual baths at weird streams or places, different incantations to memorise - metted to be by both of my parents - it only makes me Love God more and wants to make me devoted to ONE source of guidance - that being from God.

i realise that my experience is probably littie compared to others but i thank God all the same for it because without it, i reckon i would not want something different but i thank God that i now know different.

I sincerely ask God this ramadan to help me to be better than my parents and to help my children be better than me. I ask God to continually guide me and to help me let go is whatever residual resentment i may feel towards both of my parents, to help me understand, accept and move on.
given the same situation and if i were in their shoes who knows i may have chosen the same choices - but i thank God for helping me.

this is not a judgement against my parents because in all honestly and reality i have no right to judge over their actions - i can only make informed choices regarding how i want my life to be and what direction gw i would like my life to follow.
May God protect me and help me in this life and the next.