DECEMBER 05 2008

This month is an interesting month for me... I am afraid folks, that my spirit is not as strong as it usually is during the month of my birth.

For the first time, I am seeking not to celebrate my birthday with any "pomp and pagentry" or any "exhuberance of spirit and joy" but to let the day pass as any other normal day.

Circumstances beyond my control ( and some that i could have controlled better) have left me with no choice but to do down this path.
I am reminded again of events that have conspired some years ago and it has left me sad, I am unduly filled with rage, which is unbecoming of me during this month that i am seeking My God to be near me evermore and not to let me descend into the hate-fuelled rage because my patience is wearing thin this month...

All these feelings i need to control and i am trying to figure out wht i am having this anyways.

I am filled with a desire to rant and rave and shout and destroy but i am trying to hold on and seeking God's protection against these feelings.

hmmmm

at the same time I am filled with sorrow and sadness, I am filled with longings and promises of " yet to come true but will it materialise"

I am weighed down by the yearly afflictions that gets me every december and I am trying for it not to get to me now cos i need to work as i cannot afford to be off work, so i am trying to task my body into delaying the inevitable... I know that i have to break down, the weather has already got to me, the moment i let up it will take hold of me and then start its course...

I am also looking to be alone in the house as my mum is yet to travel and i guess the lonliness feels me with some sense of comfort and routine because then i have no choice but to be focused and rigid with myself... I am looking to express myself as my self in the house, rearrange things the way i want them to be ( which i always do whenever she goes) I am looking for my routine back again, I am looking for no hassle stuff, no reminders of burning candles to effigies, i am just looking for "straightfowardness" of thought and direction

Really what i want to do on my birthday is to stay awake the night before praying to my God thanking him for what i will call a productive year, then on the morning i want to play my music out loud and sing and shout at the top of my voice,.. let myself go uncontrollable and shout... Praise be to the lord of the universe, thank you God for a productive year, count my blessings and praise God even more, cry, laugh, dance around wiggling my jubbly backside, roll on the ground and generally go mad for a day... also i would like to do the same thing up in the campsie mountains where i can feel close to nature and look back at my life and thank God for how far i have come...
but these things are not possible at home you see, cos my mum is still there, if i did do this... that will confirm even more that i am mad, ( i dont want her to worry) and my bro will think me weird.... it would have been better if i was alone, so i guess this kind of unsettles me as i now have to look for another routine... the only option is the campsie mountains...

then again due to credit crunch and "every penny counts" i may have to work on my birthday --- which will be a first for me... but i guess i have to break the cycle and work it the opportunity presents itself... it means this this years birthday celebrations will be delayed till next year God-willing when i reach a certain age... Yikes!! but i plan for Dubai or China then anyways...


anyways, God willing the best will always happen as i put my trust in God always and brace myself for another interesting year and foward progressing year...