That was then

That was then……….

How is it that these main religions are so similar but still so far apart?
That was what was tearing me apart….
You kind of know that you were meant to be with each other when you met i.e. that persons compliments you and you him, together the both of you could make a difference and people noticed the compliment (aside from a few chinks that had to be sorted amongst yourselves i.e. issue of sharing, selfishness,) but reality said it was not to be. It was a classic case of christian boy and muslim girl. A lot of it i felt had to do with the fact that i was conscience heavy and very much aware of the fact that i didnt want to end up dammed by God to hell. By then i had worked it out that the religion was not important but what was important was the worship of God. but in our case, which version of God would we worship and how would we set about worshipping God.
It could have been wishful thinking on our paths, each thinking that we would adopt each others positions, but i know both of us were firm when we say believe what we each believe in.

I believe on a large scale that we all want to direct our worship to the same God but because of reported speech and post reported speech, things have gone haywire along the way and has made the cohesiveness of people via worshipping God difficult.

Maybe I was clutching at a day dream but I just refused to accept that two people who were very passionate about God like us did could not see a way to get past all the reality baggage and find a way forward…. See, it may have been easy with just the two of us, but when there is talk of children, there in lies another set of responsibilities one cannot take lightly.
Marriage to him would have meant i believed in his version of God (as i understand from his view he wanted his family to go to church together every sunday, i dont share this view, i have even stopped going to main stream mosques because of what i feel is mis-representation of worshipping God there). The only way i could rationalise his version ( the version had to do with One God and worshipping one God not worshipping God through jesus/mohammed) is that God as the creator of us all is our father and in that sense we eash are sons and daughters of God, but that one person set aside from us all who is special cos he is the only son of God, that I do not believe and can not believe. I cannot rationalise Jesus as God nor can i rationalise God/Jesus as part of a trinity. May God the Creator be glorified and praised, far above anyones claim that He be part of a trinity or that He has a son.
I believe in the holy spirit cos i feel God instigated that for the birth of his messenger/prophet jesus, whose birth alone is a miracle/sign from God that he is able to do and undo. He ( God) alone is the Lord of the Universe. what i believe is that jesus is a man like any other man but his special character was that he was chosen by God to deliver his message, as was all other prophets - moses, mohammed etc.

I have been searching for God and at the same time running from God most of my life. Its funny how that sounds… I know God and I fully know God is real, and I have been a closet worshipper of God, only worshipping in my head but not through my actions (don’t know why)
I was born a muslim and I appreciate all my fore-fathers struggles and tribulations long long long time ago where they must have picked up the religion maybe as slaves to some Arab merchant etc ( could have been another way too, but I think this is more romantic/idealistic) nonetheless, I have always found that as a child it was a chore to practice the religion of my father ( this could also be that my father was not the best example of practicing Islam, from my view that is, but then maybe that was my destiny). For some reason it never gelled with me, the forced beating if we did not say our prayers, the forced going to Quranic school learn how to read the Quran ( though I enjoyed this part probably cos I received praise from the teachers as I was able to pick up fast etc). I tried to practice, I failed, I tried and failed, each time promising I would set a new leaf, but it just did not sink in.
My lovely gave me a saying on history, which is basically His- story. someones account of past events. but my my reasoning, history is severly flawed because people always make sense of anything first before reporting it back to others. The process of reporting adds their meaning to their account, so through the simple practice of chinese whispers/reported speech, some vital message may be lost. The way i see it, every message of God should be in its original form, it is for each and everyone of us to make sense of it for ourselves because ultimately its a choice we are going to have to make - gw God guide us to the truth and set us on the right path.

I have always felt that there was more to worshipping God than the things one has been told and seen about practicing religion, Things which sometimes seem to mess my brain up time after time. I have read the Quran from cover to cover, in Arabic at first cos it was regulation. I did not understand a word other than from being told by teachers/father that “Oh that surah Is a powerful surah, you use it when….. blab la bla” Even without knowledge ( not that I am claiming to have any now) I read the quran by myself in English, things popped out and they differed from what was being preached about the religion… anyway
It was through meeting and knowing him and being faced with our predicament that I had a bit of oomph, to want to find about my religion. There I was faced with the reality that with marriage comes Gw children and with children comes a responsibility to make sure that you lead by example and not lip service. I have felt my dad was not the best example of the religion for me and I have told God that, “that is not the same example I want to set for my children”. If I don’t know who my God is, how can I tell my children about worshipping God???


Anyhow,
I remember my malim saying to me that if you make supplications to prophet mohammed, 1 times its like you have said it 10 times, and if you do it 10 times its like you have said it 100 times and so on and so on, and if you can ever do it 1 million times or something like that, you are definitely going to paradise.
So you can imagine me as a child wanting to get to 1 milla supplications to prophet mohammed, if I ever wanted anything from God, you do a supplication to the prophet mohammed??? Go figure…

But hey! I don’t know if there is anybody now who still believes that stuff, because now I do not.
The worship of God has always been the same and now I found some notable similarities btw the 3 major religions which rests in what we call the 10 commandments.

Some say its “Hear, O Israel, the lord our God is one God, therefore you shall adore the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength”. Also check Deuteronomy 6:4-5 (there is more with these themes across the entire Bible)

For others its starts with “we made a convenant with the children of Israel that you shall not worship except God” also check Quran 3:18. (There is more with these themes across the entire Quran)

What then struck me, was that if we could all agree the very first commandment (using the 10 commandments as a guide) is right and serves as a guide, then how have we all accumulated differences along the way to such a degree that we have made living together a chore and a hazardly thing.
Sometimes, I envy those who lived in the time of our prophets Abraham, Moses, Jesus (which co-incidentally we also share across the religions) cos the got Gods message in its un-adulterated form without man made rules and laws ( don’t even know if would have believed in God or not??)

One of the few things that I have read and I have come to adopt is the story of Abraham who I consider to be someone who was clearly devoted to God and from whose heritage the arabs and jews descended from. Abraham worshiped God, had passion for God and God blessed him. I feel he made a covenant with God that all his descendants would worship God and accept God as their only God and saviour.

In any case as a result, my interpretation of events is that God Almighty, sends special people to remind us human folk of the convenant that our fore father Abraham made with him and to remind us to only worship God and no one else. To remind us that we should only rely on God, the creator of the universe, to put our trust and faith in God alone.

Several times before meeting him I had been searching for my religious identity (though not successful) and I must admit I wasn’t ready to ask myself the important questions about God. I was afraid and did not want to hear the truth (everyone’s truth if different but I feel that paramountly, there is only one established truth – God) because the truth would cause havoc in my life.

Can someone please tell me or can someone not sit down and think, how come with all these similarities in these religions, we still cannot get on?? It defies belief for me.
Haba! We can agree on abraham, on jesus, on moses and pharaoh, on jonah (so many more by the way). These people I mentioned are messengers of God who have delivered the message directed to them by God and they have don’t their bit, died and their soul gone to where God has allowed their soul to go to. It is now up to us each as individuals to try and seek the true message of God, which according to me is worshipping, praising, relying on God alone and no one else.

I did a bit of questioning about what I had been taught about Islam and to be honest I never fully identified with it because apart from that every aspect of what they called worship felt like a chore, it just did not gel with me as I felt there had to be more to what these people are saying, I felt everything contradicted the Quran, what people said and what they practiced was different. Those who claim to be knowledgeable on Islam had different rules for themselves and people they preached to (but then again I shouldn’t let the practices and actions of one person hinder my view of life and religion)
At the time what I refused to accept was what I call the portrayal of Islam in the worlds eye – killing and hatred and thinking that you are high and mighty above everyone else.

When I was in secondary school, in islamic studies, we were taught 4 holy scriptures – the injil, zaboor, taorat and quran which I roughly translate to mean the bible, psalms, old testament/ statute book and quran. But is it not just a laugh seeing most muslims only identifying with the quran??? ( I can understand the argument of adulteration the scripture but I feel the Quran is there to consolidate and confirm what should have been and events that we were meant to be aware of, so if it has been mis-represented the seek clarification from God through the quran, the last scripture)

By my way of growing up and attending a catholic school for most of secondary school, I have come to know and appreciate the bible for what it is…guidance from God.. especially the psalms. Quite a lot of the psalms have in their the beginning Lord and I feel refer to God and ask God for help because God is the King of hosts, the Almighty, the Lord eternal, Protector from harm and Lord the merciful. In most particular ones that struck me what narrations that david wept and cried onto the Lord for help and only onto the LORD GOD for help.

Does anyone identify with the theme I am making here??
Anyways, to each his own belief.

To God belongs all there is in the heavens and the earth, all we wee and that which we do not see is created by god. Why can’t we realise that the god we all so want to worship is just one God.

The scriptures are there to serve as guidance and a beacon for us to worshipping god, the Quran as it is - a message from God with directions about worshipping God.

The Quran preaches submission to the will of God and not that of any man or race. It preaches peace among men, remembering the convenant of the children of Israel with God – no killing, regarding the parents, relatives, praying, charity- it also preaches that God is the only judge of who is a sinner ad who is not. It is not for any person to cast a glance and say for sure that you , me , he, or she is dammed… how do we know even sef? What if it was them that done the casting that was dammed, we don’t even know. We only think we do.

Another thing that I found out in the quran, that made things clear for me, was the one that said that we should treat all the messengers of God as the same i.e. they are all messengers of god, so there fore do not make any distinctions amongst them. Which for me I can infer to mean praise one messenger highly and praise others less highly.

So the whole point of this outburst was to consider how us religions can live together happily, either through marriage or otherwise.

My answer is to do away with all the adulterations and fabrications of the message of God and just stick to worshipping God alone. God who is the Lord of the universe, God who is the creator. This is hard I am quite sure; you normally find that the right thing seems to be the hardest thing to so however when done, it’s simple and things flow freely, with guidance from God it is possible.
May God guide us to the truth and allow us to worship Him as he should be…

I have said before that I feel the way one is taught and shaped from birth decides what you consider as truth/dear to you and what your parents teach you about God is what you will hold as your foundations unless your destiny is otherwise. I say this because what you hold to will form the basis of your outlook on life and it’s a Herculean task to leave it behind and adopt some different way of thinking. (This is why I do not take the role of parenthood lightly, it’s a huge responsibility one has - the upbringing of a child - you have to be strong and firm of mind and pray regularly to God to give you the best direction towards this task)

But then again, who amongst us is going to have the courage to start questioning the assumptions they have been made to believe from childhood. God guides those he will, May God guide us all.

Anyhow, As much as I do not want to regret my encounter with him firstly because I do not like to do regret especially when you have learned from an experience and you can take away from it. Secondly because I can say that I have loved someone in my life (this for me is a big fete cos I know the sort of person I am) and forsaken all others I would have been content to be his partner, his wife, his lover, his mistress, his cook, his seamstress, gw the mother of his children (as long as we could work out the selfishness/consideration issues, which I have to admit were mostly on my part).

Some of you have said things would be a lot easy if i had gone for someone who was also a muslim but i have to admit its not just as easy as that. While its easy to say i am going to marry a muslim, but what if, that muslim was not sincere and just wants to accept he was born a muslim and thats that. I am looking for sincererity in faith ( not that thats for me to judge by the way) I am looking for a leader in my marriage, not one who does not understand his stance in life and his relationship with God. I am looking for a role model for my children, not just a muslim who plays lip service and does other things on the back ground. I am looking for sincerity in faith and openess about worshipping one God. I am looking for someone who directs all his worship to God and God only, not through any prophet/messenger. Someone who idolises God only and not idolising/praising any prophet/messenger.

Ultimately its each person for themselves, and each persons faith/belief is a mater for them and not a matter of comtemplation by their partner/wife/family. However, associating yourself to someone who you fully know does not believe as you do, is only recipe for heartache and division down the line. Because as with human nature, you will begin to resent them and move apart from them. On a basic scale, if your foundation is solid, then the house you build will be solid as well. So if the foundation of my life is God and only One God, not any prophet/messenger/scholar/malim/preacher then I believe everything else is a doddle. With God you cannot fail. May God guide us to his path.

Anyhow, I was meant to meet him (lovely) the way I did, and after just talking to him for 5 hours in a stretch I knew I was meant to be with him. I had a choice to make, which in some ways, I knew we would have to make because it was staring at us in the face once we started talking about ourselves and our belief systems. So the choice has been made, and it was scary, at times it was easy because he made it easy for me by instigating things. He was rushing for perfect - I am the least perfect person I know. He was hurrying to settle down and I would not settle until I found myself and I knew who I was so that I could be the best wife/mother/lover I could be.
So many XX years on I need closure and need to move on.
A part of me would probably always share a connection with him, because I cannot describe to you what sort of connection we had. He could even say there was no connection, for all I know he could say we were bad for each other.

Moving forward, for all my friends/parents/family that eagerly want me to settle down. I too want to settle down, but I am not prepared to settle for less.
I pray to God for a partner who loves God deeply, someone that we share can a sentiment together emotionally, sexually and gbo-gbo-ally, someone who shares a connection with me as I – him. Someone who will tolerate me, be kind and gentle with me, be considerate with me, will treat me as a partner – not a slave or a possession, someone who will have patience with me (cos you might need it) as I would for him as well, I know I have asked for someone who Loves God deeply and from the inside. When I will see this person, I don’t know (I hope I can realise it if he comes my way)
It’s not the end of the world, to be single at my age, besides marriage is not paramount to salvation. God willing my prayers will be answered, and I patiently will wait and rest my hopes on God till then and from then.