Friday 31st march

Dear Lord what am I to do

There I was yesterday I was with the intention that I would come to you to say thank you for AM and her nursery place at the same nursery that AR went to that I am about to be offered which has taken  a whole concern  from me that she will be looked after and in very very good hands much as you have done for AR.

Then I get the news that the lady who  was looking after AR many not be able to look after her for me.
 

  What else can I do.

A couple of issues and thoughts are running through my head and I cant seem to focus  and see a  way out .

The options I have is beg my work to let me finish at 3   but this means I loose 5 hours a week off my hours -  but this arrangement also means ,if they are agreeable ,although I  will work 6.5 hours .0.5hrs of this being for my lunch and I would want to take it towards the end of my shift i.e. not have a lunch but then again  thatis another  worry because I use  my lunch to say my prayers.

  What can  I do.

If they don’t agree it means I work 5.5 27.5 hours – I  dont believe I can survive on that what with the two of them and I don’t even believe they will allow me that in any event. But i live in hope that  you my lord makes miracles  because i know you do and i have read you do amd i am witness  that you do.

I loose holidays and I loose pay -  I need the holidays for when the term time closes and for family emergencies so i don’t burden my work  so that I don’t come up on their list of people with issues

 

The  childminder I have been  directed to  she says she has other clients and I know I have tried  her before and she didn’t  have any time for AR  and it was panic stations till you put this lovely lady in front of me.

 

In  Ar case also I don’t know what will become of him because he is to start school and the first couple of weeks of starting school is murder and though I have out him on a place waiting list for the after school care I don’t know in all honesty what I will do.

 

  It is just like once we get a reprieve  then another massive hurdle comes in view and I don’t know where to go from here.

What must I do except  turn to the foundation  of all life - to my lord and ask for his help and blessings as I have always done asking that he come to my aid and  help me with mychildren.

 

The last time I took a wage cut   it was bad  in that I could not sustain myself but that in itself  I don’t know because the right thing to say  is that you are the one that sustains me as well as my children.

 

I enjoy my work – I don’t have anything else that I can say is part of me and work allows me to be me -  with a wage cut and loss of hours is a loss of holidays. And the last time I asked  for  reduction in hours they made me feell like I was begging for it I felt so low even  though I put a brave face on it -  its like they want you  to beg for something and they rub your nose in it.

That is how it made me feel but they approved it not after the manager giving me a talking to like i was a child who was being given something i should kill for.

I come to work I have always  come to work I try to give my best  and my all -  I put in more than my all  and try to do the best that I can do in any given event. I don’t call in sick; I give then notice for anything -  and I  put them first in  to that they have advance notice of all my issues and problems.

 

I am a good worker I work I show up I turn up and sometimes I  just ask for little allowances  – the little allowsances I ask for  is only in regards mychildren.

I don’t allow my children sicknesses to disburb my work – I use my holidays for emergency and it is only in rare  circumstances that I actually cost them money in anything like paying me for being sick or emergency leave  - I ALWAYS WORK IT BACK or have worked it before.

I dont sit  idle – well expect for now that I am typing this and I have to put this because it is killing me.right now i cant focus.

 

Where do I turn god where to I turn if it is not to you ,what else can I do, how is it can I say want must I do to  say that I need your help. I need your great help dear god of mine.

 

How can I  lay my case to you when you already know everything about me.

 

  The last two days I was reading about moses and how it was that you inspired his mother to give him away and put  him on a river -   I thought to myself When i  read that verse that the  woman must have been instilled with some super confidence  and trust; trust that was unshakable and firm trust that we mere mortals in this day and age don’t have.

In as much as I say I have trust in god and I believe  in you it does not stop me  from worrying still, because I don’t know what will happen I don’t know what will pass and I don’t know how it will play out.

 What must I do  who must I see who must I  go to in order to succeeed and progress – what else can I do.

I keep my intergrity I overlook  all the nottiness  of the team what else should I say or do.

I just keep doing me.

Wage rise  is for show in my opinion and slow – a little at a time-  I work work work put my all and not getting naything tangible.

What else can I do dear lord.

do I say the burden is too much for me that I will kill myself and my children

do I say that I will just walk out on everyone and run away

  what else can be done

As ever i am inspired  by the  verse in which it is narrated that moses asked of and  from God.. rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayha min khayrin faqir.  So i too ask of you amd from you dear lord i am truly  in need of whatever  goodness that  you may bestow on me amd i ask of and  from the most gracious lord who is the only and best provider. The One who has  sustained and supplied for me. The One who is without doubt is God the lord of the universe.