work

I cannot sleep and I am trying to capture m exact feelings on a variety of issues.

 The most prominent being work  - though I think the most prominent should be about me and my soul.

 I looked at a colleagues work today who has been off and I can see that she is coming back to  about 2 weeks  worth of work and it makes me sad.

Sad that I wouldnot help.

 The state that is it with me and work and what I perceive as a lack of I don’t give a shit by some people in the work they do is such that I have decided for my sanity to leave everyone to their mess.

 The last time this person was off – I tried to manage my work, manage my work without being asked this is the thing that gets me – I do all these things without being asked because I want for our work to go ticking along.. when it comes to the surface then I was being piled on some more. I though  at the very least our manager would ask others to pull their weight but no.

When we had a interim manager – the same was the case in that he saw I what was urgent work which should have been picked up by the handlers but kept them on my pile because they had to be done.. now the od one or two but everyday is out of the question – that is me doing someones work.

 I get the feeling that in my work  we are happy with mediocre – heck we want less than mediocre. If we accept that people can not care about their contribution and level of work then we can accept that  shit will nto get done.

 Now I say this with full knowledge that everyone has different levels of ability and contribution – but it is that they contribute.

  If we all fight to be fit then we can all get there.

 This I don’t understand and I find it very hard to  digest.

 I felt bad because I refused to help – and that is worrying me.  but I wont bugdge because it is a point of issue.

 I feel taken advantaged of – the right expression is exploited without any genuine appreciation/thanks.

I know their system is systems thinking where hard work  is not encouraged or appreciated because they believe it is sending the wrong messages.

 But what is the wrong message when you will only stay and take work when you are being taken extra

 In the time that you are paid to do work you will do the barest minimum or nothing at all and let things compile -  I have always said I don’t understand this habit

  But I guess the worry is that I worry and I should  stop worrying because it is not good to worry as it affects my stress level, my health and well being.

 I worry because I cannot help.

 I worry because I don’t want to help – when did I get to that stage?

Because I have been given much I too must give – this has been a mantra for me to stop  selfishness and to give whether it be my time my effort or whatever else I can muster.

But I guess I am feeling underappreciated and I don’t like that.

But doing for other people is not about expecting thanks or appreciation. Its about doing for the sake of dong.

Not that anyone cares.

 I guess I am not cut out for adult world. ] am I cut out for any world?