breaking point lord i am at that stage

here is how i feel right not lord.. rightly or wrongly my feelings are but this is how i am.
 i am at my lowest emotional state.
 i dont know what to do.
 sometimes the thought that you are either punishing me or that you are letting others wishes punish me is crossing my mind.
 if other wishes have been granted and it involves me in despair i implore to thee o lord to please relieve me because you are the only one that can help me.
 if it is that you are punishing me then i am sorry lord and i ask forgiveness and i beg of thee to help me.

i am afraid i will do something i will regret because i done see a way forward or backward.i am short of money so i have to go back to work but i want to go back secure that AM will eat without force, if she wont do it while i am around how can i be sure she will when i am at work.

 yesterday she took the bottle, much persuasion and standing still she took it, but last night i was soooo tired having been up most of sunday night  and she was fretting soo much that i gave her a bit of breast so she could sleep and so could i.
 since then when she was up in the night she has refused the bottle.
 maybe it is the formula milk because that was what was in it i dont know yet. i dont even know i can produce that much breast milk for her esp when i go back to work the chances of me pumping are reduced..
so i am hoping she takes formula too along with breastmilk.
 god in no way do i want to deprive her of food that you have provided for her as her source of nourishment.. i cannot say that i want to do that.. that is not my intention.. i just want her to have loads in abundance.. and if it is that it is from my breast that the abundance should come from then i accept it as her manna and quail as it is from thee o lord so it is best for her.

 maybe it is the formula cow and gate and maybe i should try another brand.. with that is waste and buying other types.. i dont know what to do lord i dont know what to do.. i dont know.. i am at your mercy lord.. i am at your mercy..
 Lord i am at your mercy...
yes it is true that we turn despondent when we are looking for something from thee and we are unappreciative once we get it.. that is a trait of every human i guess but LORD hand on my heart i say to thee that i am forever grateful for all you do for me... i am .. even if i am weary and not in the right state to pray i still in my mind seek to glorify and praise thee.. even  if i dont have enough i will try find something to spare..
even if my rage catches up with me and anger fills me.. i still turn to thee seeking redress and solutions from thee and thee alone..
 i have no one to turn to and i need your help please.
 i have had the thought that i know you are not a bad lord though we humans have bad wishes and bad thoughts.. even with my   wishes which some may consider bad but in my anguish and despair i consider them good - i turn to thee asking thee to grant them for me.. for me the crucial is that i turn to thee  because only you have power and authority and will in my life. i really rely on thee for my every provision and sustainance everything in my life.. that is why i dedicate my children to thee...
 i hope lord that my giving her the breast last night i have not undone the work because the plan is to stop giving her breast and give her the expresed milk.. she will also soon start weaning but weaning with breast milk.. if that is the way you wish it lord..
help me lord help me i need your great help over these my children and the different issues they pose for me please lord help me help me help me because i  feel i am at breaking point and i dont want to do something stupid that i will regret please lord help me because i have no one but thee.. please lord help me to get her to take to the bottle. i dont know baby speak and i dont know how to communicate with her but you lord that has created us you have the will to change every strong  will into rubber you have the say and the command.. please lord help me.. i lay in wait lord that i may yet again lay myself before thy alter  giving thanks that the Lord of abraham has not forsaken me and has come to my rescue