grieviance

i am coming to you my Lord to hear out my grievance and to ask for your help for this bitterness that is slowly eating at me giving me bad feelings when i think about how i have been treated.

there are so many issues and i don't know where to start.
 but i will start in regards to the issue of considering me your equal and allowing me privileges when i was away.
 i constantly pleaded with you to let me drive and to add me to your insurance so i would be covered driving your vehicle but you refused. always coming up with one excuse or another then i stopped asking because it was clear you had no intention to let me drive.
 i don't know what you have against women driving but i believe this is an unfounded notion that you hold and i can find no justifiable reason or excuse for it.
there was only one time that you allowed me to drive your vehicle and this was when my mum was around and you did it not because you wanted to but rather because my mother had complained on my behalf and you wanted to show - falsely -  that you were taking my matters into  consideration. after this time  it was clear your intentions were false and i refused. and i  assert this because you confirmed that was the matter

 before u married me i  was independent within my means that God allowed me - i had my own car, i enjoyed driving a fact i told you several times and i remember conversations with you where in you complained that you do not like to drive at all and only drove as a means to an end - i remember even whilst driving and you mentioned this fact i would say to you well i like driving so let me drive us both with you always making one false promise or another that yes you would but you never.

 in the uk when i came back - i  established myself and God was favorable on me in that he supported me with a member of my family that i never knew i could count on who provided me with a car free of charge and gave me the opportunity to be mobile hence no hardship on me or my child.
when you came here immediately you wanted to drive the car  - both cars -  and initially i didn't let you only because i had tried to show you myself but i am afraid i am not a patient teacher and i said the best would be for you to take professional catch up lessons to help you understand about motoring in the uk.

 this is one of the things that bother me Lord - this feeling of  disappointment - because when i try to remember it i cannot believe or accept that  someone  can be this way to his wife - to a woman he married -  he saw how i was - i did not deceive him .about who i was, what i enjoyed or  my lifestyle yet once he married me he changed completely.

its like the instance that i bring up -  regarding my kaftans - when he proposed to me i was wearing a kaftan - i had worn it severally in his presence - he said he liked them - yet once he married me he had an objection to them - this was the fateful day that he was violent with me and pushed me against a door handle which jarred by side. this is me a women that was 3 months pregnant.

 its like a woman has no value  to you.. you don't consider her to he a human being worthy  of your time or your consultations.. you don't consider her to have any opinions or thoughts and certainly she cannot do anything without a man.. and i ask myself where does someone have this kind of  idea come from. if in your village that is how they treat woman - that i snot how women are treated in my family because my father and mother raised us to be independent to have a voice...  and that is how i will maintain myself. a woman is a human being equal in the eyes of God to a man.. there is no distinction.. and that i show i regard myself and run my life. i am not a second class citizen and i cannot accept anyone treating me as such. if that is the way you treat woman in your family then good for you because i am not from your family or from your culture and i will not accept anyone treating me as such.

you gave me money  for my birthday and that money i chose to buy a car from my brother with it and this car has not served its purpose and i have to get another car.
 when i told you of my car woes - one of the things you made clear to me was you  have no money - and when i sit to  analyse the conversation  i think -  i ask myself - but i never asked him for money - i was just sharing my problems - i never asked him for  money yet he saw fit to make it clear to me that i have no money.
 when it came to choosing the car  i would have gotten  another car immediately but he gave me advise not to  rush and to take my time. which i  valued.
 when we sent to see the car - he then offered to  want to contribute towards the car -
 and it makes me think - in the privacy of us and God you turn me down yet in the public with someone else there(car salesman) you pretend to care or offer to shoulder responsibility. what sort of a dubious person are you.

 this is another thing that gets me O lord. that i dont understand.

 God this is the man i married - i married him because i love him and was willing to share my life with him but what i keep getting from him is that he is incapable of loving or sharing his life with me.  so i ask myself why did he marry me then..but i don't try to grumble Lord i try to accept. if this is a lesson for me to learn Lord then i have no choice but to accept.

 i left and have no intention of going back because of the way he treated me - he did not consider me his wife or his equal - he sought to impose on me not share or consider my feelings - he sought to make rules without consulting me and doing things he felt was right and that was it. I will not let that happen again.

  so my lord i don't want to be bitter,  i don't want to have bitter feelings at all - so i come to you to ask you to help me and soothe my bruised heart.

 this is a new chapter i am entering into with this vehicle and i seek your protection and guidance  as always as before going forward.
i have no one but you my Lord, as my master and help and i can not have anyone but you,
 so God help my heart help me..
 i want a husband that is loving caring that i know fully and i am safe in the knowledge that he cares for and loves for or me not one  who is like a bastard that does not know the value of a good woman..
i turn to thee yet again my Lord the best provider and my help.