almost there

i don't even know how  old i will be again..tomorrow is my birthday and each year ( apart from the last three) it has always been a source of joy and anticipation towards..
 this year i have to do the calculation in my head to figure out my age.. and in amazement i wonder where all the years have gone.

My cherished memory as a child haunts me tonight.. because each year apart from the last three  i am always in a spiritual mood( by that i mean prayerful) but i have struggled to get into that spirit and tonight it is no different. i am tired and my back hurts.. so all i am thinking is that i want to sleep.. but i know the right thing for me to do is to pray and offer prayers to God.. but what haunts me is the Question i pose to myself.. when was the last time you offered dedication to God for nothing.. i don't  wan to feel like i am offering prayers just  because its my birthday - i want it to be like before when i offered prayers just because i was enamored with the thought of God.. .

  one of my cherished  childhood moments is waking up at night and going to sit with my dad whilst he offered additional prayers.. it was a whole ceremony for my dad.. the smell of incense.. the one in the long green and white rectangular box,  that incense.. my dad when he wanted to offer additional/special prayers would light the incense.. i don't know why but tonight i find myself doing the same thing.. maybe because the smell of it just reminds me of prayer/devotion from my childhood... in the background was a tape playing  a medley of surah yasin, wakiah, nasr, back to back when just kept playing on and on an on.
 it is through listening to them so many times that i had them memorised in my head...

 nonetheless - at this time i take a reflection of my life and say

Dear Lord,
 many a blessing you have bestowed on me in my life  and i am very very grateful to you for them.
 i fear that i do not do you justice because those blessings also take me a bit away from you.
 not that i want them to stop my lord - who wants a good thing to stop - well not me
 but what i am trying to say is that i am struggling to find balance with life  living it and also worshiping you.
 as a wife and mother, i find that my time is no longer mind and what i used to cherish - some time to myself is a luxury that i sometimes cannot afford..
 nonetheless this is my challenge right now - to be charitable and to devote time to worship you.
 and my challenge is my wish from thee and my hope for the year coming.
 each time on my birthday i ask you lord for a gift and i do have to say you my lord always does provide for  and i am grateful.

 so this year that is my 34th by all accounts( of human calculations) this is what i want  from thee - to draw me nearer to thee in worship and devotion, to make me charitable with all that you have bestowed upon me. see there i had to take a mental calculation to  ask myself am i really going to be 34. Guide me to thee and help me in righteousness to worship  thee alone. help me lord for a lost soul i am  - always tethering on the brinks of desolation, but Lord , God my God help me and bring me back to thee.. never let me go but hold me close to thee for it is thee i want to worship and serve.

 this is what i want from thee O lord - righteousness, worship and devotion to thee and acceptance by thee.

 so Blessed are thou o Lord my God of ages and of all times. My God of yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever.