back on track

so my lord i am asking how is it done,
today i am worried that i am slipping.. its not a case of "i am slipping" but i have already slipped.

 the last week  more than any  was very difficult for me.

 here i am asking God for another but i have to ask myself truly and  is that wise?.

with just one i am  finding it hard to  keep my obligations of prayer and zakat.
 the zakat issue was already embedded long before the salat joined it..
 with  zakat i am getting disillusioned in terms of  i feel there is no clear organisation that deals with the issue of orphanage, poor etc.
 in our world today, the need to the tennents in scripture - Quran -  with regards to charity is difficult to define.
 in africa it may be better.
 it is easy to send money to africa but there is an  issue of trust . in that whatever i send is it being used as i asked it to?

 here  more than likely - unless you know an organisation dealing with specific need- you have to go through an established organisation - and the issue with this is how much of whatever i am giving is filtering down to those in need and how much is being eaten up as administrative costs.

 if i am honest, we cant escape the admin issue as  someone is using their time and resources to reach out to those in need - needs organisation..

 then the issue of salat compounds the matter - in this time of very long day and short night - getting to say my last prayer -  of the day is a hurdle. giving that i have to be awake for like 3am for morning prayers,  and then pray and go back to sleep to wake up at 5.30am to get ready for the day -  i am usually beat when i get back home - as i get no chance to sleep at work.
 we then go to sleep by 9/10pm at night  and at that time its still not time for prayer - given the season that we are in right now.
 so i tell myself i will sleep and wake up to say the night prayer - but i am kidding myself because once i hit the bed - knowing that i am tired - to wake up again - i find myself bargaining with God, telling God please please i am tired what if i lie down and say my prayers or give me 5 mins  - the five minutes i forget to get up and i zonk out - or if i do manage to open my eyes in the 5 mins - i bargain again for another 5 mins.. and so on till i just forget and continue sleeping.

 so what can i do my lord.

how did those people of yester-years how did they manage to do it.

 looking at Your scriptures, you gave provisions to your servants of many children and wealth -  were they able to manage.

my Lord - i agree that the more you give us, the more  these things takes us away from you. i hold my hands up and confess that yes it is true.

 There i was asking for my lot saying that i would not let it take me away from you - but here i am admitting that this is what is happening.

 how can i find balance in being a wife, mother, daughter and  before and in front of all that - be a servant to thee o lord.
  where is the truth to help us  in this life to see what exactly you want need from us to help us to redeem ourselves in thy sight.
help me God help me.
is it possible to have it all?
 to work, to have children, to look after children, to pray, to give, to try to be righteous?
 i want it all.
 i believe with thee O lord there is success - with thee there is help.
 so please help me o lord help me to be happy, to have my work, to have my children, to be able to look after them, to care for them, to be a good wife - to be a good daughter, and to be a good servant to thee.
 help me to get my prayer back on track.

 m night devotion - that has fallen down the wayside long long time ago - when i went to PRS i did not have the muster or heart to do any because i felt ashamed that he would hear me and start to go Ott over it - but why is it that i feel ashamed to be able to pray in front of others?
 and not pray in the conventional sense but let my heart reach out to thee.

 help me o lord
 Lord i want it all
 i want to be righteous -
 i want to be ble to pray and also do my night devotions at least once a week
 i want to be successful in life and in the hereafter
 i want to be a good mother
 i want to have children - not child
i want to work and have means from thee o lord to look after myself and my children
i want to be able to give out of  the bounties that you bestow on me
 i want to  live comfortably and with  joy
 i want to have my own house with stairs and a concrete garden  have a nice looking car and live close by to school and all amenities that i will need and work too.
 i want to enjoy this life and the hereafter
 god can we have it all? is it possible?
 yes my Lord i believe with thy grace, blessing and by they Will it can be and it will be - by thy blessing it will be.
 help me o lord to get m life back on track.