missing da mosque

you know my Lord, I miss going to the mosque..
 what i miss is really the kinmanship and the feeling of being among others of the same faith.
i miss the conjoined praises and sermons etc...
 why do i not go to the mosque.. well mainstream mosque is not for me in that when they pray there is a very high regard for prophet muhammed  over the other prophets.. there is emphasis on God and muhammed.. and all i want to concentrate on is God alone..
 i do not find a prayer house near me where the concentration is on God alone without involving other prophets bla bla bla
 i miss it.. i guess also because i grew up with it as part of me, in my psyche...
 i do miss it...
subhanallahi, wa-l-hamdullilahi, wa lahillaha  illalahu, wa llahu-l-hamdu,  fi -l-ardi wa-l-akhirat, wa huwa azizu-l-hakim.

Hello.. is there love there?

i don't know if he really loves me.. or  better i should say i don't feel as if he loves me.
I want to feel loved, cherished and wanted but i don't feel all these things.
Yes he cares for me, he provides for me in terms of food.. but food is not a high list on my priority. Yes it is important for nourishment but the Most Gracious provides that for me.
What i crave for is affection and intimacy - something  i feel he cannot provide me  or he does not know how to provide it for me and therefore does not care to provide it for me
the whole episode   from the beginning of the 9 months has left a bad taste in my mouth because in some ways he changed from what i knew.
Yes i understand in life that change is constant but  this change is not something i accounted for, as i had told myself he seems the sort of person who would not be this way..
i feel i am treated at best as a sister or a friend - someone you feed and worry about their safety but that is  all.
I want more than that, i need more than that...
i want to be his Queen, i want him to love and cherish me like his queen, madly love me and madly want me..
i  don't want to feel like i am just another mouth to feed,
 i want to feel that i am special, someone who sets me apart from everyone else..
someone for me as i want to be for him,
someone to share with me... in this regard i feel like he dictates and does for me rather than share with me..
I am not a possession but a partner...
 do i even know what i am saying here??
i don't think he can show me love.. he has said he will change but some changes he has said  he would do and he does/did not change..
i don't think he knows how to show me the love that i want/need
i worry about this, and its at the back of my mind..
the  pregnancy pimples issues was a big turning point for me.
All i have in my head is despite what i was going through, he did not try to understand  and embrace and support me, instead he distanced, regarded and treated me like a leper..
how can  someone you love treat you like that,
It makes me think, if something worse were to happen further down the line.. is this how i will be treated the same.
I felt sad and i did not understand how..
 see for me, when you love someone you accept them, imperfections and all.. you see in them perfection despite their imperfection.
a hard choice i am having to pay in this body conscious world of hours.. breastfeeding+ pimply face or No breastfeeding+no pimply face..
but the choice is easy for me.. but i then doubt.. my would-be lover did not deal very well with my pimply face.. so i should stop breastfeeding so i don't get pimply faced and he would not look down on me.
he does care.. there is some care  in him....
but how much of a care is there to sustain a relationship/partnership/affectionaship/intimaship
he talks a good talk but the actions are not there
 i want love, i need love..
 i want to be his Queen, but i fear he is happy without one.

Praise to The Lord, The Almighty, the King of Creation

I will Glorify the Lord
I will praise His Holy Name
I will Glorify the Lord
I will Praise His Holy Name
Oba N'la Oba Rere ( Great King, Good King)
Oba N'La Oba Rere

Reform and Social Acceptability

There was something in the news that a convicted sex offender was  on the same celebratory boat with  the royals during the jubilee celebrations.

My first thought at this was so what?

  this brought up an inner conversation on - repentance and social acceptability.
If a person truly repents from a previous bad action, then why should we not forgive and allow that person to start over again??

We are all to quick to judge, to label and to ostracise individuals that we deem have fallen fowl of social acceptability standards - sex offenders, rapists, murderers bla bla.. the list is endless

Whilst on some level I understand this as a natural  preventative reaction within ones self for one's safety and the safety of our loved ones... but in all consciousness i have to ask myself... if i were in their shoes wouldn't i want society to allow me to reform?

 take a longstanding position on forgiveness - "We all ask  God to forgive our sins and allow us to reform and start again.. so why cant we afford the same for our fellow human beings?"

Granted God is the Most Merciful.. and his patience and love knows no bounds.. but still in that we would want some mercy and repentance for ourselves.. why cant we afford to give such to others who come across our paths?

 The subject of repentance and reform, whilst on a broad angle is something we cannot truly know or understand.. i say this because the mind of another person is not something that we are privy to.. whilst an individual may show outwards behaviours of reform and remorse, this may just be an act to fool the society and inwardly they may have not changed in the slightest.. that is for God to judge and not for us to worry about.

Whilst on some level we would worry, but we can only deal with an open hand and make and informed decision based on what we see and also to a large extent what we feel.. this inner beacon of judging dangerous persons and dangerous situations...

 there is also an issue in the sense of why can we not separate person/responsibility from action/crime committed. The example for this is that an experienced underwriter who is arrested/indicted for sex offence looses his job with a company he has worked for more than 20 years?
 i personally do not think this is fair.. but i do understand the issues behind it.
Firstly i would think that the sex offence has nothing to do with his job or ability to perform his job.. in that sexual preferences are part of a persons make-up that has nothing to do with everyday contact in society.
Secondly i understand that  if word gets out.. this persons fellow colleagues may find it hard to work with him as they may not be able to separate person/ability from action..
Thirdly i understand the adverse publicity for the company for the same reasons as above.

It will be an unfairness because in my view these people who commit crimes loose everything they have built up for ages, acceptance( which should not be underrated.. no man is an island), social standing, source of income... at the same time  the effect on the victims should not be underplayed. If they truly reform/repent, they should be allowed to continue on with their lives.. it will be a lesson learned for them and a deterrent  not to oblige the same crime.

I guess with tolerance/understand both parties may be able to come to a leeway.. if the perpetrator apologises and repents and  tries to reform... this will only be possible in its full ramifications with the social pardon to allow then to rebuild and move on from the incident ( both parties) and not have the incident thrown in their face all the time.

This then brings on another issue in my mind re sexual offences and what we as a society finds acceptable.

 i will pose the question...  to criminalise a man for chatting with an underage minor when the underage minor was posing as an adult on a social chat room? the issues  for me will be if the older man knew the person was underage or not.. if he did not know and assumes that he was having explicit sexual conversations with a consenting adult.. then personally i don't think he has done  anything wrong.. if he knew that is another matter entirely.. will bring up issues of was the minor consenting as well/ how mentally aware was the minor etc..

This is a murky subject..

God help us all and guide us to truth.. May he accept our repentance and help us change our lives around.

Find Someone

Find someone that isn't afraid to admit they miss you. Someone that knows you're not perfect but treats you as if you are. Someone who couldn't imagine losing you. Someone who gives their heart to you completely. Someone who says I love you and proves it. Someone who wouldn't mind waking up to you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and grey hair but still find you attractive
Someone who sees beyond your physical flaws/attractions to the heart within
someone who isnt afraid to care for you in public
Someone who  will  support you
Someone who  will talk to you.. not just talk with you but talk to you...
Someone who will kiss you with affection
Someone who will share with you..
Someone who does not think a womans place is in the kitchen
Someone who will cook for you also