Yesterday night is still a blur, i am not sure what was happening there.... I am not sure who i spoke to, what i said or the nature of why i was speaking with that person...
in anycase there is a season for everything just as there is a reason for everything...
but it made me ask myself, what have i done O lord, why me...
it feels like punishment to me..like as if i am forever doomed...
but i try to despair not...
i remember just recently to quran study, we were looking at chapter 19 - and in it we see mary almost sucumbing to the despair and grieving at the tghought of giving birth.. where in her Lord quickly came to her rescue and provided her with a stream and dates to eat..
i also remember job... who despite his trials and tribulations stuck fast to His Lord..
I remember just recently, joseph, who despite his treatment at the hands of his brothers and his time in jail, still hung to His Lord..
lets not forget jonah, who in thebelly of the fish cried out to his Lord
those were people long before my time...
then i look at me, Lord...
in all perspective, i say that my sins do outweigh me and of that i have no arguements in whatever judgement you want to prescribe for me... i have no counter arguements or justifications...
but as such is the human mind that i start to think, God...look at other people, who have maybe done far worse than me... but then I am reminded my myself that fingers are not equal, and i cant judge my life/sins/intentions on the face of others....
but as such is my affliction and i ask..... God, is this how my life is going to end up... but then i am reminded by myself of the middlke man theory..to stop complaining.. some have it worse than me and surely some have it better...
but as such is my grief and i ask again.... why me O Lord, then i am reminded to remmeber the prayer i make to God that if i am to suffer in this life to gain eternal favour with my Lord in the hereafter then fair enuff. the hereafter is surely the goal that i want so... stick with it...
but as such is my despair and i start to think.....God help me please. For i am not a strong person... rather I am weak and soft hearted.. it is very easy to break me, it is very easy to send me to despair...God help me please.. for i need thy strenght...
i have no complaints against thee.. far from that.. the reverse is actually the case.. but i am still imploring thee inspite and despite...
a friend used to say that - God who made mud to make us dirty is still the same God who privides water to wash and cleanse the dirt away..this gives me solace for I know that God is the provider of all. With Him we find assurance and success.. With Him i find mercy.. Look atthose n history who God has provided wiht his mercy... surely thant Mercy is never endless...Though i am nothing compared to those people and their fetes.. Look at moses, He killed someone.. He implored God to forgive him...
Look at adam and eve, who also implored God to forgive them, Look at sheba, who went back to God after idol worshipping... That gives me hope.. for i look at my sins and i think its not has bad as that.. i think... but in all perspective i dont know.... The human being does not see except what is at his noses tip..
the prayer still goes.. dear lord, Let not my sins and transgressions hinder my prayers from reaching thee..forgive and redeem me...
i need help God for i dont know how much of this i can take...
i feel that i am too trusting and this is turnign out to be my downfall.. i am too gullibile and htis is adding to my grief, is it to bad of me that I am able to Hope that maybe just maybe this is it...
or is it my fault for thinking people can be sincere ...
them i am reminded of my ignorance.....
When it came to me, I came to thee asking Lord was this a sign from you to me...that if it was let it end well, I came tothee and i put it before thee.. so just as well with this course of events I come to thee my Lord and i put it before Thee...
Then i am reminded to remember Most Glorious The Holiest. Lord - of the angels and the spirit - who is firmly established on His throne. no one can hiinder that which God has decreed nor can anyone stop that whiich He has given...
in anycase inspite and despite.. The prayer remains.. My lord keep me praising thee still always....
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