05/06/09

i broke down again on this day.. and as yet it still puzzles me...
why did i break down... i guess i had it coming.. the constant rejection letters, the uncertainty with work, the work load, the stagnation and dying emotion at work, the death inducing lack of motivation... everything just culminated in one night...
started on the Thursday night with my weekly rituals and just edged into the day..
i woke up groggy, not with the usual cheer and candour i usually reserve for Friday..
Friday being a day of assembly for me a day of congregation for praise and thanks to the almighty. i did not wear anything nice, just put on some wacky jeans and Hood top.. quite unusual for me on a Friday..
work was just a never endless charade of nodding that i understand even though i was thinking "i don't know jack-shit whist you guys are on about"..

you see for so long holding a facade down, it eventually tells on you..
i am tired, weak and emotionally spent...
i went for my Friday contact and it was during thins that it just hit me... i am tired.. Lord i am tired..
the stupid thing that i am trying to figure out is that if things went my way and i was indulged in every desire and whim and fantasy.. would i be this tired too? in all honesty i guess not..
but as i am now which i have ti admit is the best position for me.. i AM tired.. i have had enough of this life.. its heartaches,, its disappointments, its sufferings and longings.. for a fragile heart like mine and one quite vulnerable its too much for me to bear..
but all in all i cannae complain.. this is my lot in life to deal with and as best as i can i have to deal with it..
people usually take the easy way out and end their life.. but i am too chicken and I AM A FIGHTER..gw i will not let this get me down but i will strive to hold on to thee O lord and still hang in there..
hopefully by your grace you i Will attract your mercy and i will find ease for My heart..
patience is what i guess you are trying o teach me but the human being is impatient..
this is ever more so true for me adetutu..
i am impatient i want it now. this instant.. as i visualise it.. but i guess life aint like that..
my wantings pay no heed to tomorrows obstacles.. it does not consider foreseeable future nor plan that far ahead it only wants now..
God willing God willing..i keep telling myself..
But i am tired...
the only things that edges me on is that my works have nothing to show for itself other than my heart and as simple as that may be.. i have always run from it.. but i choose to run no more and i choose to confront.. God willing God willing i shall win this battle of mine..
This internal battle. God willing.. By my Lords leave, By the grace and authority of God my Lord, My God, My Creator....