Rabbana la tuakizdhna innasina aw akhtana..Rabbighfirli WaRham.

There is anger and bitterness towards my mum. When i start to think of her behaviour towards me i cannot rationalise  them so i get bitter. And i try to relive them and het responses. So i come to Thee o lord to ask for your forgiveness and your great help to remove these feelings from my life and thoughts.
Rather then delve into them please help me to remember Thee and praise and glorify your holy name and attributes.

There is no rule book in parent child relationship  but your commands are clear that we honour our parents and for me to do this i seek your divine grace to help me keep Thy word.

Huwa arrahman amana bihi wa alayhi tawakalna

I have  called unto the lord and he has heard my call. May his gracious name be praised forevermore.
My lord has made me glad.. he has lifted my heart and i am grateful for his blessing.
I have relied on my god and i was not disappointed. The good lord is forever merciful and kind.
I have called onto the one ..the best provider...and he has provided for me.
Thank you god for everything for all things for that thing for this thing

Thank you God

Thank you thank you god. Thank you god. Thank you god for everything you have done.

I'm the name of God is our new venture

I am here to give thanks to the most gracious Lord for his mercy and blessing.
I ask for his continued guidance and support on my and my children as we venture into a new direction.
Let our new home be a home of joy and peace.
Let it be a sanctuary for those seeking the most gracious only. Let it be a home where  the praise of the most gracious reigns forever.
Let us have peace calmness and security and keep us steadfast onto thee o Lord.
Help us with childcare and security of childcare.help us with employment and progress with employment. Help us to be safe and secure and help us to be firmfooted..help us to worship thee always.

Still dreaming

Dear Lord, I cannot help but to dream of what can be and whilst I am still fearful that it may not materialise I hold onto you that as you have brought us this far..  you will make it for us.
Any my prayer shall be "in the name of God be our exit and our entry..Thank you God for everything"

Uncertainty

There is so much upheaval at work.. I am looking my manager.. god regardless of what is occurring...keep me safe and keep me secure. Help me thrive and help me to be successful.
I don't like change too much I like my familiarity but regardless of this o Lord help me to be successful  and help me to be progressive and help me not to suffer.

Can i go lord...

So many things are weighing on my mind and I have to let some off.
All my life I have lived with her I have never lived alone but now I have to contend that I want to move off and form my own family without her. My brothers have resigned -I think -that cos I live with her she is my responsibility   and I know my obligations and I try, but I now have to consider  me and my children  and set off. I feel bad because now it's when she is older and I worry how she would cope.
This is my mum who all my life our relationship has been testy.
She never let me get close to her always belittled me and uses me -I feel -as her doormat  whilst  catering and pandering to her male children.
This is her that beat the shit off me as a child  and poured pepper in my vagina. This is her that I only  had to be around a boy for her to accuse me of  sleeping with them..
It did not help that we grew up in a polygamous home. And she was did not like me playing with my step siblings but she didn't have- I don't think- time for me and as I was daddy's  girl that was a strain for her. She would accuse me of trying to kill her poison her, conniving against her with my step mum.. and when I rationalise all this now I was just a lost kid looking for love and affection and I graduated to wherever I could get it. Maybe my step mum was using me as a pawn I don't know but I just wanted love. This feeling to me up.to adult hood and most of all my disasterous  decisions was because I just wanted someone to love me.. I lacked love.  I wanted someone to like me for me. She always warned me off friends did  not want me to have friends. How tough is that on a young kid.
So my relationship with my mum has never been smooth sailing.
I feel as I am abandoning her in old age..now when  she needs someone the most. She has been there for my children.. She stayed one full year to help me with my firstborn and I thank her for that.
I can say hand on my heart that it will be emotional for me because  she is the only  constant thing in my life  even with the tempestuous relationship  we have but I am failing in a commandment to god and I just want to be away from her. I don't want my children to be around some behaviours which I don't like and I don't want to show them bad behaviours also.
God u have known me and have joined  me to her. Now I want freedom to go and set my own family  without her. In a way it will be a relief and in a way it won't be. This is my crossroad god. On one hand I can be selfish and say I am not her only child. I can fall back and use her past behaviour  to fuel my departure.  I can say she has 5 other living children and she has a choice in who she wants to stay with. All my elders are established she may not be on good terms  with them but she can stay with her golden goose (my immediate brother) but that is not what I want to be. I want to walk in light with god. But I think that for me to be me and keep my relationship with God i have to be away from her as I am growing to resent her day by day. I have cut myself  from  her and i don't require much from her. I don't get  involved  in  her business and I limit my interactions with her.. When I think back on my life at all the milestones I faced with growing up she refused to be there for me. And  I feel she preferred others over me. But I acknowledge that because I have been with her I have her tendencies  which I try to be alive to and change when I see it forming.
I try to be open with my children  and tell them daily I love them. I don't reign curses in them but offer blessings on them. I digress.
This is my demon......she is a test for me.. god.
You are the one that has created me and u know me. You know how I was as a childhood  and the sufferings I have faced. You know how I have been taken advantage of by  people  and what an easy prey I was. I lacked confidence and was and still am today a very trusting person..you know how my naivness has been abused and how i have been walking aimless in life till i knew you..you know how  i have been used and manipulated.
U know the beatings and torture my mum had plied on me due to her vengeance and jealousy.
Regardless  I want to try to do the best thing.
We both share mutual benefit  by living together  but I want my own home for my own children and I want to be away from her.
Currently we r in a three bedroom but she allows me use of one bedroom for me and my children.  There is a spare room but she says that's hers her prayer room. But we use it as a store she does not like this. She says I am taking all the space . We r 4. We share one bathroom. There is a living room and a kitchen another than the communal areas I live  in one room with my children. This is not how I want to live  god. I too dream of my own house with stairs and garden. I do not want to live like this nor do I want my kids to live like this.
I want out  and I come to you Lord to lay my case. Through growing up I used to envy my step siblings  a lot because I asked why didn't I have a mother like theirs. But all I have ever known is her. My bad habits are hers I can see it..bit i am not wholly  blaming her I understand  certain conditions make people behave in certain ways but god please help me to leave and set up my own.
I know I am worrying how will she live  herself but I have to be selfish and consider my own and my children.  So I ask permission of you god to help me to leave this place and set up with my own to try to make it better for them. I will not have any support but I have you and you will make it right. I am at that stage that if we continue as we are, I will break the little thread that is left in honour they parents. I am sure I have already broken that bond but I pray that god u understand my plight. I am not job and I cannot withstand or persevere without reacting. She herself has shown me that we react in a flash I have been at the receiving end of that much much much.  The beatings, the emotional blackmail are torturous enough in itself.
So my Lord a little is lifted of my shoulders  with tonight's outburst.
I pray that you don't let me be her for my children I pray that I am better for my kids  and I pray I do better for them also.
What can I recount lord. The run from pillar to post from one "ile ologun"to another.  The baff baff with special soap the conditions whatnots.....alll the tribal markings cut and incisions gbere on my body.. All her accusations most of which were unfounded.. the beatings....apayan beatings that i suffered because i spoke to my stepmum or i played with my step siblings or i refused to take sides btw her and my dad and their quarrel.  The curses upon curse she has reigned in me in my life because of her deluded thoughts or irrational fear...I will not say I was a rosey child. I developed a bad habit of stealing money to buy  sweets  so people would be my friend. That has been my only fault as a child.  That on reflection  is because I didn't have any friends and I so desperately wanted people to like me I would try to entice them with sweets and biscuits.  I craved attention badly. But it is what it is.
I just want to be better for my kids and I want better for them.
I ask myself she cannot surely  be happy for me to be living like this can she?? She should want to see me progress should she not?? I don't know Lord and I don't want to have ill accord or think things I should not be thinking. I can say she is this ..that ...that ...and that and I have justification for it but where has god said we children should point out the wrongs of our parent. I leave it with you lord. I ask for it help. I know now what tomorrow holds so I ask that mine is better and mine is good.

Yearning

My heart is longing for this opportunity I don't know how to say Lord. Please help us to make it work. My heart is waiting for this o Lord please  make it work.
Help us to gain this.. let it be for us
In security and firm footed, let it be for us with your blessings  and approval. Help us to stay to you and for you.
I don't know how to say how my heart is feeling  so I am asking of thee o Lord that has brought us this close this near please let it be accepted.

dreams

i want to dream but i dont want my dream to cut short i just want to progress and start but i have to hold myself back.. not that i doubt my lords blessings but that i  dont want to rush myself.. but please forgive me lord if i do start dreaming

thank You God for everything

all i want to say is
BABA ESE O BABA ESE O BABA EMI DUPE BABA

 all i want to say is

 baba ese o baba ese o baba emi ma dupe baba.

oluwa to ba mi se
Oba ti o ba mi se o
ohun to ja mi laya 
oba mi ba mi se

 what can i say but to say thank you with all my heart.. now the fear of uncertainty sets in but i advance with my trust in the most gracious Lord.. i advance with my God and i start with In the name of God

lonely...

most things for me are achieved when i keep them to myself and not sharing with others.
 it does make for lonely living..
 i am a loner by birth and by circumstance and upbringing.. i should just accept that.
 but i dont want for my children to be loners.. i want them to be their own person but also enjoy social interaction and not shy away from it..

still hunting

so dear Lord as you know, the hunt continues,  but you have shown us another path  and on that path we ask of thee to make our dream on  being accepted a reality.
 i long to start searching for cutlery, for appliances for furniture..
 helpme lord.. i saw one and two i liked it but i start to dream and i am forcing myself not to dream because i have had my dreams cut short before.. please God help  is  help us. i long for my own with my own where i can me my  self with my own,, everything after all is with your approval  so i ask of  of thee